The beautiful, but troubled teens of Mystic Falls are back, and not a moment too soon. I’m embarrassed to admit that I had fallen behind on the last few episodes before the break. I had to do a mini-marathon to catch up, and somehow managed to watch the backlog of episodes on my DVR out of order. I finally got things sorted out, and can now do a relatively coherent recap before we launch into “The New Deal.”
When last we left Mystic Falls, all hell had broken loose, and the kids’ plan to off Klaus was thwarted by none other than noble/traitorous Stefan. Of course, we know that he was just trying to save Damon’s life, but neither Damon nor Elena knows that…yet. Thankfully, Stefan took Katherine’s advice and decided to f**k with Klaus a bit, kidnapping (body snatching?) his little coffin family. The desired effect was achieved, because Klaus is totally pissed off now and is in no mood for any more teen shenanigans. Oh, Klaus. You know you can’t defeat these kids. They’re as resourceful as they are beautiful and troubled.
As “The New Deal” begins, everyone is freaking the f**k out. Bonnie is having nightmares that she’s in something called Honey 2, and Elena is giving paranoid jogging a try. That’s where you run down deserted streets in broad daylight and pretend that hybrids are chasing you. Damon, of course, is doing what he does best: drinking and doing his best Bette Davis impersonation. We’re then led to believe that Jeremy is having the worst time of all, since he couldn’t manage to keep his job or his grades up, while romancing his dead girlfriend and fighting the forces of evil. That Jeremy. He really is the weakest link in this chain of beautiful/troubled links. You don’t see Elena shirking her homework just because she’s a doppelganging, hybrid-spawning tool of evil, do you?
In the midst of all this moping, I’m happy to report that Alaric and Damon continue to rekindle their bromance. Damon thinks “Klaus-a-geddon” is nigh, and no sooner do the words leave his pouty lips then guess who shows up at the Grill? It’s Klaus! And he wants his coffins back. Who can blame him? They’re really nice coffins.
Since Bonnie can’t get enough of the creepy-ass Blair Witch house where horrible things keep happening, she goes for a stroll and finds all her nightmares coming true (e.g., Stefan lurking in her basement). Also, the surprisingly well-lit basement might have a mold problem. Stefan and Bonnie hatch a plan to hide the coffins in plain sight in the Blair Witch fixer-upper, with the aid of the sometimes vengeful/sometimes helpful witch spirits.
Klaus tells the Scooby Gang to find Stefan and the coffins, or he’ll kill whichever of them is currently failing History. To prove his point, he enlists the help of annoying Tyler. Now, Tyler used to be just a little annoying. But now that he’s the sire of Klaus, he’s super annoying. Plus, he won’t stop saying “sire.” Which is super annoying. Tyler is like that kid that goes off to church camp during the summer break and comes back to school in the fall as a born-again Christian and suddenly won’t go down on you anymore. Yeah, that annoying.
Elena tracks down Stefan, which is easy, since he spends all his time lurking in the shadows of Bonnie’s well-lit Blair Witch basement. Elena tells him about the Jeremy problem, and he says the most sensible thing he’s ever said in the history of the show, ever: “Not my problem.”
I don’t know why everyone’s worried about Jeremy. He can handle a crossbow like a BAMF. Then, when Elena is about to invite a hybrid into the house, he saves the day (and Alaric) by chopping the guy’s head off (the hybrid, not Alaric). That’s the kind of brother Elena needs to have around. Who cares what his grades are? Meanwhile, at the hospital, Alaric meets a cute doctor who has too many lines just to be an extra. Since she’s pretty and interested in Alaric, I think we can safely assume she’s going to die soon.
Stefan finally tells Damon that he saved Klaus in order to save Damon. Damon tells him to stop with the saving and drop the bad boy shtick already. Stefan says he can’t drop the bad boy shtick until at least the season finale.
Damon checks in on Elena, and the two have the best dialogue exchange in the entire episode, maybe the series:
Damon: My brother’s sort of running his own show right now.
Elena: Yeah, my brother just chopped off someone’s head. It’s not right. It’s not fair. He’s 16 years old. He shouldn’t have to live like this.
And just like that, Lucy Van Pelt bundles up Linus and ships him off to Denver. So long, Jeremy! That’s a sucky way to get written out of the show. I’m not convinced, though. They made a big deal out of Jeremy not being on vervain when Klaus compelled him, but he had plenty of time to juice up before Damon took his turn. I’m guessing Jeremy is going to go rogue in order to protect Elena and try to win Bonnie back (or at least stop her from doing Honey 3).
The episode ends with a bang, and by bang, I mean PG-13 kiss. After scrambling Jeremy’s brains, Elena is feeling vulnerable and kissable. Damon then makes the interesting choice to c**kblock himself by telling Elena that Stefan saved Klaus to save Damon and might be getting humany again. Elena then feels confused and kissable, so Damon says, “What the hell?” and kisses her. At this point, I fully expected her to laugh and reveal that she’s really Katherine. That’s what I would do. But she stands on the porch, looking vulnerable and kissable again, and we’re all left wondering how long it will be until Stefan gets his soul back and complicates everything.
I recommend Elena take a page from Sooki’s playbook and just do them both. Problem solved.
The Vampire Diaries airs Thursdays at 9/8c on the CW.