Dear Great Pumpkin,
Sorry about last year. I thought I had found the most sincere pumpkin patch. I didn’t realize it was part of a community garden in Downtown LA. Who knew people would be so territorial over pumpkins? Anyway, I hope the wounds were superficial and you were able to complete your route around the world. This year will be perfect, I promise! After all, I left the city and moved to the mountains. I’m surrounded by pumpkin patches, each more sincere than the last. I’ll be there with some cookies and a bottle of vodka. You know, like every night. So here’s my wish list for this Halloween!
1. I’m not the biggest Alien fan in the world, but I’d really like to have this new 7” xenomorph figure for my Xmas nativity scene.
2. This remote-controlled zombie would be great for chasing my dog around, especially since he’s long since lost his fear of R2-D2.
3. A $330 13” Dalek statue will look great on my shelf of villains, right next to Skeletor and Jan Brady.
4. I was pretty good at contacting gay spirits on my Ouija board when I was a kid, which proved to be embarrassing at Halloween parties. But with the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Conversations with Dead People Game, I can resurrect the fabulously departed in the company of lesbians Willow and Tara and bi-curious Buffy and Xander.
5. Finally, these new AussieBum briefs from their Hero line have FBOTM written all over them. Please bring me a case of them, so I can subject hunky 20-year-olds to my whims for months to come.
Thanks, GP! Happy Halloween!