Toys & Merch

Toy Review: The Beauteous Warrior Goddess

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Yes, I’m the last person on the planet Earth to receive Teela from Mattel’s Masters of the Universe Classics line. Perhaps my frustration with the 15-day shipping time has colored my reaction and review a little, or maybe my expectations were too high to begin with, because, you see, I am…disappointed. I haven’t read or watched any other reviews, so I don’t know if I’m alone in this or not. First, I want to say that she really is gorgeous. The face, the hair, the tiara, the sadness in her eyes. All spot on. But I can’t help thinking about something Cher said in Clueless. Teela is kind of a Monet. “From far away, it’s okay, but up close, it’s a big old mess.” I’ve only opened one of my Teela figures, so I don’t know if these are common problems, or just a problem with one, single, solitary figure. But here are the major issues.

Heads Up
The removable heads are a cool feature, but it leaves my Teela’s head always looking slightly downward, like she’s mesmerized by her own cleavage. It’s nice cleavage, I agree, but I don’t want her looking at it all the time. The other problem with the removable head feature is that my Warrior Goddess head doesn’t fit. The hole is too small. So, if I really want to swap them out, then I’m going to have to do some Dremel work first. I will, most likely, just keep the traditional Teela head in place. I realize these are collector figures and not meant to be opened or even played with. The idea of the removable head should have been enough, I know, but I’m still disappointed. (As I’m writing this, her head has drifted down again from where I posed it for the photo above. Maybe some glue will keep it in place.)

Run, Forrest, Run!
One of my Teela’s legs points inward, along with the knee joint. This makes her look a little like Marilyn Monroe standing over a grate, but more like she’s in desperate need of some physical therapy and orthotics. I have yet to find a satisfactory pose for her because of this. So, if you’re keeping score, Teela is staring down at her boobs and standing with one of her knees buckled inward. Attractive. (There doesn’t seem to be an easy or obvious fix for this.)

Her height doesn’t bother me too much. She towers over Man-at-Arms, and even Hordak would probably feel uncomfortable asking her to dance, but making her diminutive would have been a mistake. I’m also grateful her profile wasn’t too wacky. It drew upon the weirdest of the Teela origin stories, but at least they didn’t have her coming from Trolla, like everything else in this line. Despite these problems, I certainly don’t hate this figure. The overall look and feel perfectly evokes the Teela from the early artwork. Instead of the Green Goddess variant we’re getting, I would have liked to see the blonde, supermodel Teela that appeared in some mini-comics and storybooks. Such a variant would have required a new sculpt, though, which we’ve been assured would bankrupt Mattel instantly, so I’m not holding my breath for that one. 

Ultimately, I might open another Teela and see if she has the same defects. Or I’ll just chalk this up to the unpredictable physiological effects of mystical cloning.

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