Retro Comics Load: Attack of the Toys!


Since I’ve been going to a lot of comic book conventions lately, I find myself digging through all the long boxes for Masters of the Universe comics from the 80s. It’s not like I didn’t know they existed; I had a handful when I was a kid. They just haven’t been in the forefront of my collecting obsession…until now. I know I could probably go on eBay and buy them all at once, but I quite like finding them one at a time at conventions. One of the things I love about MOTU—something that really comes through in the comics, especially—is how utterly bizarre it all is. The stories can veer wildly from surreal post-apocalyptic fantasy to blatant toy commercials. My most recent acquisitions, Star! Comics issues #2 and #5, fall squarely in the latter category.



You know you’re reaching the end of the vintage MOTU era when you read a story that focuses a lot of attention on Extendar‘s feelings. In “Monstroid” (#5), Hordak summons the big, clanking beast from the depths of the Sea of Rakash to do his evil bidding. Meanwhile, Orko is f**king things up, as usual, only this time he’s letting his pet fish die of starvation and ignoring Extendar’s pleas for help with his circuity. Frankly, this just proves that Extendar is an idiot, because why would you go to Orko for help with anything? Back in the Fright Zone (which looks like the toy in this version), Hordak and the gang hold hands and use Multi-Bot to help them control Monstroid and make the jump to Eternia. All this Monstroid business finally attracts the attention of Skeletor, who is all alone in Snake Mountain. There must not have been an Evil Warrior to sell in January of 1986. He heads off to meet Monstroid, the same time Extendar and friends and the Evil Horde show up as well. Skeletor points out all the action features on Monstroid, while Multi-Bot reforms himself as a cage around Extendar. Poor Extendar momentarily forgets his one and only action feature and can only watch as He-Man, Skeletor and Monstroid sink to the bottom of the sea. At the last minute, Extender remembers he can extend and escapes his prison, saving He-Man, who in turn saves Skeletor. The moral of the story: Orko sucks.


In “The Coming of the Meteorbs!” (#2), Orko is f**king things up, as usual, and accidentally uses the Laser Bolt to blast some meteors out of the sky. The heroes rush off to see if the inanimate meteors are okay, just as Skeletor decides to check on them, as well. There’s a lot of meteor concern going on in Eternia. Good thing, too, because these aren’t your ordinary, run-of-the-mill rocks. They’re Meteorbs and Comet Warriors! There are evil Meteorbs and good Meteorbs (none of whom I can remember the names for). But even the evil ones are cute, because they’re all shaped like eggs. Stonedar appears, looking for Rokkon, who’s the poor guy Orko blasted out of the sky. Proving once again he’s the most tolerant man in the universe, He-Man welcomes all the weirdos to Eternia. I like that some of the evil Meteorbs are kind of sassy, including this one who dismisses He-Man as “blond hair”:


Skeletor teams up with the evil eggs to mess with Man-At-Arms, which works brilliantly, since Man-At-Arms was looking for an excuse to show off the action features of the Laser Bolt. Stonedar and He-Man save the day and do an unusual amount of flirting towards the end. He-Man must be wondering if he’s rock hard all over. The heroes celebrate, the villains flee and the Meteorbs languish on toy store shelves. As a side note, I did have a Rokkon figure when I was a kid, but he gave me the creeps, so he ended up dying in the Great Cataclysm. Along with Orko. The moral of the story: Meteorbs suck, but not as much as Orko.

I’m heading to Heroes Con this weekend, so I’m hoping to find more vintage MOTU comics for my growing collection. Stay tuned for more bizarre adventures on Eternia!

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