Toys & Merch

Where’s the Beef?

I consider myself a very reasonable sort of fanboy. I have forgiven major toy companies for a lot, all because I thought they probably meant well. I’m talking about shoddy paint applications, weird packaging, bizarre sculpts. For instance, how did the designers of the Prince of Persia action figures take a perfectly sculpted human like Jake Gyllenhaal and make the figure look absolutely nothing like him? I mean, he’s already perfectly sculpted! Seems like an pretty easy job to make a sculpt of him. But all that, I can forgive. When it comes to Nightwing, however, there are certain universally accepted standards that must be recognized and followed. Who has the best ass in comics? Nightwing. Who has a reasonably-sized, but not obscenely large bulge in his tights? Nightwing. Even my mother knows this stuff. Now, prepare yourselves for this. Here’s DC Direct‘s new DC Origins two-pack, featuring the evolution of Nightwing:


Yes, it’s always nice to see Dick rocking the side part in his hair and the crazy collar. And while the modern depiction of Nightwing is a little off in terms of color, I can forgive the folks at DC Direct, because who knows if they have access to any DC comics lying around. I will give them extra points for the glitter, though. But let’s take a closer look, shall we?


What the f**k? Not only is our beloved Dick, well, dickless, but seems to be suffering from some sort of condition that causes his bulge to actually recede into his body. What is going on here? I don’t expect to see Patrick Fillion-sized goods on my action figures. But I expect to see some kind of anatomical suggestion that a character may, in fact, be male. You know they’re not going to make Catwoman flat-chested. Besides, my Wonder Woman figure even has a bigger bulge than this Nightwing monstrosity. And I don’t buy the whole “think of the children” argument, because these are specifically designed for adult collectors. Plus, if your kid is just dying to have the vintage Nightwing for his playtime adventures, guess what? He already likes c*ck, so a piece of plastic isn’t going to make a difference. I also don’t buy the “straight guys don’t want bulges on their action figures” claim. Have you ever watched straight porn? It’s not about guys with non-existant packages winning the hearts of the ladies, I can tell you that.

This is nuts! (Or nutsless, as the case may be). I’m insulted as a Nightwing fan, I’m insulted as a collector and I’m especially insulted as a man. This is just another example of the anti-masculinization and de-bulgification of America, and we should all be outraged. Outraged, I tell you!