TV Recap: Much Ado About Vampires

Don’t fight over her, boys. Wrestle!

Of all the shows returning or premiering this fall, the one I’ve been looking forward to the most is…The Vampire Diaries. I can’t even adequately explain why. All evidence and reason would suggest I’d scorn this sort of supernatural teenage soap opera claptrap. However, it’s become the guiltiest of pleasures, and I can’t get enough.

When last we left the beautiful people of Mystic Falls, the anti-vamp Council had rounded up the fanged population and set them on fire. Meanwhile, little emo brother Jeremy decided to end it all and become a bloodsucker himself; and, in the most shocking switcheroo of the season, Katherine returned to wreak havoc on the Salvatore brothers and perpetual damsel-in-distress Elena.

“The Return” begins where the show left off in the spring. Katherine has gained entrance to the Gilbert house by impersonating Elena and takes John out pretty easily. (See, he ain’t all that.) Elena calls 911 and doesn’t even have to tell them what her emergency is. In Mystic Falls, dispatchers don’t even ask any more. They just send a hearse. But no hearse is needed for Jeremy, who drank just the right amount of Anna‘s blood and took just the right amount of pills for absolutely nothing to happen. (He can’t do anything right.) I did enjoy Stefan smacking him around a little, then sticking around to watch him sleep. I wouldn’t have said no to any of that. (Plus, is it just me or did Jeremy get really buff over the summer?)

Speaking of hotties, since the Mayor was rounded up and killed with the vamps, his long-lost brother Mason returns to comfort the fam. Mason Lockwood. It’s a total pornstar name, which is fitting, because Taylor Kinney is absurdly sexy.

Woof! Wolf!

He’s going to show young, angry Tyler the ways of sexy wolfdom (I assume). They still haven’t explicitly said they’re actually werewolves, but come on. We’ve already got witches and vampires. What comes next? Exactly. Wolves.

If you read any of my recaps from last season, you’ll know that Mystic Falls loves to party, even though every special occasion ends in murder and mayhem. In the most bizarre gathering ever, the citizens of MF show up at the Lockwood manor to pay their respects to the family of the dead Mayor. Only, no one is dressed appropriately, and people are lounging around, smiling and chatting like they’re at a garden party. Cater waiters are walking around with trays full of wine glasses. This isn’t even the funeral. It’s just the “stop by and say hi” party preceding the funeral, which is presumably still days away. This town is so weird; god, I wish I lived there.

Katherine is running around, causing all kinds of problems, but no one’s exactly sure why yet. It’s positively Shakespearean, what with all the “doppelganger hijinks” and “sins of the fathers” stuff. Damon is pissed off, because, you know, he thought Katherine was in a tomb for the past 145 years, when she was actually just, you know, traveling. In the postbellum flashbacks last year, we saw the boys fall in love with her, try to protect her, then mourn her loss and their own transformation into vampires. So, I’m not exactly sure why Stefan is so pissed off at her. I’m guessing it’s because he resents the century-long feud he’s had with his brother over her. But I’d also like the think that maybe he’s just embarrassed about all the three-ways she made them engage in? True, they haven’t shown us that yet, but I have to imagine Kath is the kind of girl who likes to stir the pot with two spoons, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Katherine tells Damon she’ll never love him, only Stefan. Then, Elena tells Damon she’ll never love him, only Stefan. Then I paused the show and told Damon I’ll never love him, only Stefan. Sucks to be Damon. Hopefully, he’ll meet Mason Lockwood next week and will, well, lock wood with him. The supernatural teen angst bullsh*t is only going to get worse, kids, especially with a newly created vampire in town. Quick question. Does Miss Mystic Falls have to give up her crown in the event she becomes one of the undead?

Can’t. Wait.

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