FBOTU’s Weekly Comics Load: Bullets and Bracelets and Bottoms


Brian‘s Load image

image Justice League: Generation Lost #12
What’s the dealio, Fire and Ice! Why you gals being all mean to each other and stuff? Can’t you both just get along? I know that Ice is being influenced by Max Lord and has recently developed this cra-zazy new SNL-inspired Conehead look, and I get it that you both control opposing natural forces and all that crap, but c’mon ladies, you’re best friends! That should trump everything. I mean, if Iceman and Firestar can get along when they appeared on TV together, then surely you both can. Right? Maybe you need an intermediary like they did? Do you think Spider-Man’s busy? Or maybe even Spider-Ham? Hmmmm, ham.
image Teen Titans #88
I gotta say that I only picked up this issue because of artist Nicola Scott. She’s a dynamo; her art makes my fanboy soul smile. I’ve always had a soft spot for the TTs, and overall this issue is pretty good. The writer delivers an enjoyable story filled with teenage hormones running amok, a sad and depressed Raven and the appearance of the bitchiest Boy Wonder in history, Damian. Yay! Damian is my new favorite non-gay gay. All told, I’m intrigued by the Titans again. As long as Miss Scott is on the book drawing detailed boots for Wonder Girl to kick ass in, I think I’ll stick around.
image Uncanny X-Men #529
Remember back in the day (mid-Nineties, people) when artist Whilce Portacio was an exciting new talent – a comic artist whose work was a revelation on the original X-Factor? Yeah, well, it’s a damn crying shame that those days are looooooong gone, because ho-boy, is this issue’s art (sorry Whilce) terrible. But then again, this is just my opinion, because if stiff, frozen pages with horrendous looking manly-women stuck in unflattering camera angles is what Portacio’s going for, then he’s more than succeeded. Also, the dude sure likes to draw a character’s mouth open to show “expression.” If a character is happy, sad or scared, that mouth is open, baby! I counted 11 mouths a-gaping. And I don’t mean partially parted, I’m talking full on flies running in and out agape. Sheesh, there’s more open mouths in this comic than in the entire gay porno I just watched. Anyhoo, I MUST, however, give Portacio props for having the sensational Morlock Tommy show up in the background of Scalphunter’s dream. Even though my beloved Tommy appeared and died in the very same X-Men issue – the one right before the classic Mutant Massacre storyline back in the 80’s – I’m still her number one fan! So, hey, bring back Tommy, Marvel! Her fan is clamoring for it!
image Wonder Woman #604
As much as I was willing to embrace this “All New Direction” for everyone’s fave Amazon, and as much as I enjoyed the first couple of issues, I hate to admit that these last few seem to have lost some steam. I’m finding myself losing interest already mid-story arc, which in the comic reading market, is the kiss of death. But who am I kidding? I’ll keep picking this book up even if I start to loathe it. Wonder Woman, you know I can’t quit you, girl! P.S. Your boobs on the cover look fierce! I’d love to go bra shopping with you and hang out while you try on all kinds of fabulously sexy and revealing, yet tasteful, outfits. Call me, k?

Chance‘s Load image

image The Amazing Spider-Man #646
Instead of writing about this issue, I’m tempted to just take a picture of my expression, which can only be described as a nauseated grimace. I’m willing to grant straight people the whole “miracle of childbirth thing” and buy them some jumpers at Baby Gap, but these last few issues have really tested my level of tolerance. First, Menace crash lands into the coffee shop and gives birth to her freaky demon baby right on the floor. Then Spidey carries the thing all over Manhattan, while being chased by his entire rogue’s gallery of villains. Then the Lizard ends up with the baby, while Doc Oc and Spidey fight for it. But what really bothers me is that everyone thinks this little monster baby is some sort of miraculous bundle of joy. In the olden days, this is exactly the kind of kid you’d put in a basket and send down the river (or sewers), then wait 20 years for him to come back as a supervillain. Instead, Harry’s going to raise it and send it to school, where it will kill the other children with its claws and deadly venom. Basket. River. Now.
image Bruce Wayne: The Road Home – Ra’s al Ghul
You know last Saturday was International Power Bottom Appreciation Day, and though I’m a few days late, I’d like to give a shout out to Ra’s. He talks a big game about “the detective” and how much he yearns to kill him, but every single time he’s defeated by Bats, he stomps his foot, vows revenge, then bends right over and grabs his ankles. I imagine Ra’s is also the kind of power bottom who will pre-lube before he meets up with Batman for a fight, anticipating his inevitable loss. Batman, of course, carries plenty of Boy Butter in his utility belt, but I imagine Ra’s waves him away, saying, “No, no. I’ve already taken care of that.” So, happy Bottom Appreciation Day, Ra’s! You’re an inspiration to us all.
image Green Arrow #5
I can’t even really get mad at this title, because one of the things I kind of love about comics and daytime soaps is how utterly crazy they can get from one moment to the next. So, there’s a magic White Lantern-infused forest in the middle of Star City, where Green Arrow lives and almost died a few issues back, except that the mysterious Galahad dunked him in the magic stream to save his life. So, natch, Green Arrow tries to dunk some random dead guy in there, too, only instead of saving him, it brings forth a bunch of Black Lanterns. You know, the ones who were defeated and sent away forever? Luckily, Ollie makes some arrows out of the White Lantern Tree of Life and defeats the Black Lanterns and that kid he got killed. Guess what? It makes 100 times more sense in my retelling than it did in the book. Still, I admire the crazy.
image Superman #704
While Superman is out on his walk, Lois visits her hometown and wonders what it would be like to be a career woman who isn’t closely associated with Superman. What would it be like, she wonders, to have a couple of brats and a whipped husband who lost all remnants of his masculinity years ago. Lois actually starts to pine for these things, but just when you think she’s going to tell Clark to f**k off and start a new life as businesswoman, she realizes that normal people suck and if you’re going to be unappreciated, then you should at least be famous while you’re doing it. Amen.

That’s it for this week, kids! What are you reading this week? Let us know in the comments section!