WARNING: Spoliers ahead!
That squeal heard round the world last night was me. The final few seconds of the new episode of V are so fabulous it almost makes up for the painfully stupid preceding hour. Almost. I had rather hoped that the long hiatus would give the V writers a chance to fix the rampant logic problems that plagued the first half of the series. The main problem, though, has always been that the characters we’re supposed to be rooting for are so inexplicably dumb that I really only feel sorry for them and wonder why they’re allowed to run around on their own without adult supervision…or special helmets.
When last we left the Visitors and the Fifth Column, Erica had managed to blow up Anna’s army of baby lizards, which finally pushed Anna over the edge. And, believe me, Anna over the edge is now the primary reason to watch this show. To punish Earth for its shocking lack of enthusiasm over being enslaved, Anna releases Red Sky. Now, Anna is the only person who knows what Red Sky is and what it does. Everyone else just thinks it’s a bad special effect. But when we join our heroes, all they can talk about is Red Sky. “It’s been four days since Red Sky,” they tell each other (and us), so that we’re all caught up with the chronology of events, as if that’s the only thing that could possibly be confusing to viewers. No word from Anna. And no one else knew about Red Sky. So, I guess it’s just lucky that everyone intuitively calls it the same thing. Personally, I would have called it Vermillion Dawn, which would also be a good drag name.
Semantics aside, Erica wakes up from the worst dream sequence ever and decides the best way to protect Ty is to use him to get back up to the mother ship. Oh, Ty. You’re lucky you’re cute. But as every gay guy knows, even cute guys can get annoying if they have nothing to offer the world but a bucket of stupid. He calls his mom to let her know that there’s a riot breaking out at the Visitor’s Visitor Center, and he’s somehow trapped by about a dozen angry extras. Instead of taking his Visitor uniform off, he gets smacked in the head by the riot police. Erica sees this as a great excuse to take him up to the ship for medical assistance and to ask Anna just what the heck is up with this Vermillion Dawn business.
The Visitor’s mother ship has the worst security in the history of alien space ships, since everyone can just walk around, access computers, question prisoners, visit baby lizards in bacta tanks, etc. Somehow, the Visitors have installed cameras on all their uniforms down on Earth, but don’t have any security cameras around the ship. Proving that she might actually be smarter than I give her credit for, Erica decides to leave Ty in the hands of the aliens and get the hell out of there. Smart move, Erica. If this were the original series, Ty would have been lunch long ago.
Erica and her friends track down a scientist the Visitors are interested in and find out he’s the proud owner of a Visitor skeleton. He’s kept this amazing discovery under wraps for years, because…well…just because. He manages to piece together a possible reason the Visitors need humans and why they’re bombarding us with phosphorous: breeding. This should have been a shocking revelation on par with the original series’ revelation that humans are going to be alien food. But the writers already spoiled the game by having Ryan’s wife give birth to a hybrid. So, we already knew such a thing was possible. Realizing this shocking moment sort of fell flat, Erica tries to liven things up by giving the scientist a blood sample to study. See, they’re in a lab, surrounded by lab equipment and a real, live scientist…doing science. But instead of offering the guy a vein, Erica just picks up an X-Acto knife and slices her hand open. Clearly, all that phosphorous is to blame for Earth’s rising stupidity. Honey, you’re in a lab! They probably have syringes. But even if they don’t, they’ve probably been using that knife to cut open who knows what? Don’t just pick up random sharp things and cut yourself. Good lord. How did she ever make it through the FBI?
All this leads us to the infinitely more shocking conclusion that Ty is somehow considered valuable as a reproductive partner. Anna kills off her remaining lizard babies because they might not be absolutely perfect, yet she’s willing to trust her throne and the future of her people to the offspring of Ty?! Obviously, she’s not thinking clearly. Thankfully, she does what I’ve been suggesting she do all along. She asks Jane Badler for advice. Yes! The bitch is back, and if this series does nothing else to redeem itself ever, I will give them a pass for having Jane crawl out of a cocoon thing, wearing black fishnets and candy apple red pumps. Big 80s hair and makeup intact, she looks more than ready to unhinge her jaw and bite the head off of all the stupid people on this show. Welcome back, Jane. Oh, how I’ve missed you.
So, what did you think of the return of V, the return of Jane and the return of the dumbest heroes on television?