FBOTU TV: Superheroes, Supernatural and Super Strains of Syphilis

Caught it!

I was driving down Sunset Boulevard the other day NOT looking for rough trade when I spied what I thought was another billboard warning against the dangers of STDs. WeHo is full of them (billboards and STDs). “Wait a minute!” I cried and slammed on my brakes. “I know those sweaty, shiny, disease-carrying whores! They’re the kids from TV’s The Vampire Diaries!”

This is how they’re marketing the show now. “Catch VD! Spread it around! Give it to your friends!” That really takes me back. Why, I remember when penicillin first became available. We all went a little crazy with the free love, proclaiming, “Catch VD on V-E day!” It was the American dream.

I’m so glad the good people of Mystic Falls are keeping the free love alive, even among the undead. In this episode, the Salvatore brothers do their best to protect Elena from herself. But then, that happens in every episode. And in case you were wondering what the Mystic Falls Event of the Week is, you might be disappointed. It’s just a memorial service to remember everyone who’s died of mysterious, supernatural causes since the show began. It was very poorly attended, but I blame that on the fact that most of the town is dead now. What sets this episode apart, and what brought a bit of moisture to my soulless green eyes, is the message of friendship and loyalty. Stefan tries to explain to Tyler that, yes, we’re all vampires and werewolves and witches and doppelgangers, but we’re also the most popular kids at Mystic Falls High, so we’ve got to stick together. You’re beautiful, Heather.

The trust and loyalty theme continues in this week’s Smallville, back after its long winter hiatus. Also back: Chloe. That’s not really a spoiler, since all the promos for this week’s episode promised her return. Where has she been? Does it matter? She’s back! The down side, of course, is that Ollie will be less likely to mope about with his shirt off. Take this scene, for example:

“This still counts as S&M, right?”

Ordinarily, he’d be naked and tied to a chair at this point in the episode. Instead, he’s in a straight jacket and even wearing pants. Is it fair to blame this on Chloe’s return? Yes, yes it is. This episode comes just after the announcement of the new Superman in the upcoming film franchise re-launch/re-load/re-hash. While most of the net is wringing their hands over whether that can be done in this day and age, I’d like to direct their (and your) attention to this episode. Little ol’ Smallville, the show that could, managed to reignite my love for superheroes. The heroics of Green Arrow, Black Canary and even Deadshot made me believe again. Plus, there’s still something so thrilling about seeing Superman (or, in this case, Clark Kent) scoop up Lois Lane and fly off. So, if a 10-year-old TV show can make me feel like a kid and want to be a superhero, then I’m sure a movie can do the same. That is, unless it can’t.

“Hold me closer, necromancer.”

Chloe isn’t the only one returning. The Supernatural boys are back with a very special episode. Evil Sam is gone, and Sweet Sam has returned. But does Sweet Sam have Evil Sam’s equally evil abs? Unfortunately, we don’t get to find out in this episode. Now, I sold my soul years ago in exchange for a MISB 1978 Kenner 12” Princess Leia and never looked back. Do I miss it? Only at the airport, where my soullessness always sets off the scanner and forces me to submit to an enhanced pat-down. Normally, I wouldn’t complain about being groped by a man in uniform, but they’re always so rough, and my junk prefers a more sensitive mauling. And speaking of sensitive mauling, I have a new Sam-inspired fetish.

Watching him throughout this episode, turning on the “aw shucks” charm, I just wanted to…brush his hair. I swear. I love that he’s still rocking the 90s boy band hair. And now I want to brush it. So, Tonner, if you’re reading this (and why wouldn’t you be?), I’m willing to pay your usual $200-$300 price tag for a Sam doll, but only if he has rooted hair that I can brush with my vintage She-Ra combs. Can you get to work on that and have him for sale in time for Comic-Con? Thanks!

My only complaint about this episode is that they defied my expectations and cut short what could have been a potentially awesome storyline. See, Sam doesn’t remember right away that he was Evil Sam. Dean certainly isn’t going to tell him. So, the stage is set for a great arc where Dean tries to keep the truth from Sam and tells more and more lies to protect him. Alas, the lies and brotherly betrayal come to an abrupt end by the end of the episode. It’s like when I thought it was going to take them at least two seasons to get all the rings from the Four Horseman, then it took, like, two commercial breaks. I guess it’s good that I’m not in charge of these things, or else the show would just be about incest and brushing Sam’s hair.

“Who are you wearing? And who did your gun?”

Over on Fringe, Agent Dunham brushes her hair into a gorgeous Veronica Lake-inspired wave, which she should do in every episode, as far as I’m concerned. What is it about a blonde in an evening gown shooting people in the throat that makes this gay boy so happy? I guess because Olivia has been so mopey lately, and while I adore tough-as-nails and cold-as-ice Olivia, I’m less fond of lovesick-over-Pacey Olivia. Apparently, Pacey feels the same, since he basically tells her: “If you were Fauxlivia, you’d like cream in your coffee and smiling and HAVING SEX WITH ME!”

We keep getting little bits of information foreshadowing the final showdown between universes, and it isn’t going to be pretty. Unless it features Olivia in an evening gown, with a missile launcher on her shoulder. Then, it will be gorgeous. As you may recall, I was pretty upset that Fox decided to put Fringe up against Supernatural, and I had to make the difficult choice to go with Fringe. But then I remembered that I rarely get to watch any of these shows live, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. Except that Fox seems determined to kill the show. At least it promises to go out with a bang.

Here’s something else I’ve noticed about Fringe. Maybe you have, too. The old people on this show have wrinkles. When was the last time you saw any actors with wrinkles? Even old actors tend to have smooth and flawless skin. It’s almost like it’s alternate universe Hollywood, where actors have been allowed to age gracefully and put the experience that shows in their faces to good use by crafting intelligent and believable seasoned characters. Hmm, I wonder…

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