Comics Load: Filthy/Gorgeous

Hey, folks! Before we get to this week’s Load, I’d just like to congratulate Team FBOTU contributor Brian and his boy wonder Preston on their 10th anniversary! They give hope to everyone in (or considering) a mixed marriage (comic geek/non-comic geek). Mazel tov, boys! Now, on with the Load. Take it away, Brian!

Brian’s Load

image Brightest Day #19
And off with his hand! Aquaman has the worst luck with his appendages. Shall we explore a brief Aqua-history? (Yes! Lets!) Years back (the dark and gritty 90s), our blondie bear got his hand chewed off by piranhas (Yowch! Sadly, they weren’t in 3D); had a rusty old harpoon welded on (gross!); grew both a “tough-guy” beard and long, Hells Angel-like hair (split-ends!); then got a more suped-up robotic version of his harpoon that allowed him to shoot it like a grappling line (Spider-Man underwater, anyone?). Those were good times, and perhaps, the best iteration of Aquaman to date. Yet all those exciting changes didn’t last, and Aquaman ditched the harpoon altogether (along with the hippie hair) and got himself a magical water-based hand (borrring), which was even shorter lived than the harpoon, because he ended up taking a dirt nap. Course, he didn’t stay dead and came triumphantly back to life in the zombie-riffic Blackest Night with all his full body parts gloriously intact (yay!). Which brings us to the here and now, where Aquaman gets his hand sliced off by the person who killed his young son, the dastardly Black Manta (what a jerk!). Hey, cheer up, Aquaman, it could be worse. Imagine if it was Black Lorena Bobbit you were battling. Eeek. Although I’d be thoroughly interested to see the awesome cybernetic device S.T.A.R labs would create to replace that body part!
image Daken: Dark Wolverine #5
Tyger Tiger burning bright, welcome back, baby girl! It’s super awesome to see this forgotten character return! Anyone remember when she first appeared in the Uncanny X-Men wayyyyy back when she was a banker, and she got her mind all robo-whammied by the Reavers? It was the very first adventure the X-Men ever had in the Outback! Then Miss Tyger Tiger appeared in Wolverine’s solo title and became the scourge of the Madripoor underworld, but she was a “nice” scourge. Kinda like the Hollywood “hooker with a heart of gold” storytelling trope. Anyhoo, so happy to see her kicking around the Marvel U again. I’m so into this comic! Read it, X-Fans!
image Secret Six #30
This is probably the dirtiest, nastiest, most sex-obsessed book I’ve ever read. All the characters’ evil lives seem to revolve around sex, naughty body parts and the drive to mate, cut off or shove said body parts everywhere and anywhere. What a filthy, filthy book. I LOVE it!
image She-Hulks #4
I really enjoyed this comic. The art was clean and fresh and exciting, and the She-Hulks looked lovely, strong and confident¬—they were never tarted-up like two-dollar French hookers trying to make rent—and the story was fun. I miss fun comics. Sometimes everything is so sad and depressing and real. This looks like it might be the end of my love for the new, younger, Savage She-Hulk, as the last page has her hanging up her gamma-duds in utter defeat. Saddies! Say it ain’t so, Marvel! I’m gonna keep my nards crossed that the She-Hulks get another shot at comic book stardom, because, as they say, the 6th time’s the charm. They say that, right?
image Spider-Girl #3
This book is still on the stands? Wow. And it takes three artists to tell the long, drawn-out story about the death of Spider-Girl’s father? I wish I could say that I cared about all this emotional turmoil, but as a new reader to the character, I had all of one issue to build any kind of relationship with her and her father and, quite frankly, the whole thing falls pretty flat. I mean, who cares about her stupid dead dad when she so quickly becomes the guardian of the Invisible Woman and has enough money from the FF to live in her apartment and not have to worry about anything? The girl’s got it made. Aside from all this, the fact that she has ZERO superpowers and has ZERO right to be calling herself a Spider-anything just bugs the crap out of me. She’s got NO spider-based abilities, people. Ugh!
Chance’s Load

image Gotham City Sirens #19
Selina was kidnapped, had her brains scrambled, was almost blown up, then was reminded (repeatedly) that Bruce will never really love her. I think she’s earned a little sympathy and self-pity, don’t you? Think again. Like a total drama queen (and every gay guy I’ve ever known), Harley decides to take this opportunity to make Selina’s pain all about her own freaky-ass relationship with the Joker. So, everyone pay attention to Harley now. Bitch.
image Superboy #4
Will someone please tell me why I’m still reading what is probably the worst-written comic to come along in ages? Am I really that desperate for some hot shirtless Superboy scenes that I’ll keep buying this dreck? Apparently. Let’s see…Conner continues his break-up tour by dumping his sort-of girlfriend/cousin Lori. If you recall, he just dumped Cassie over in Teen Titans. And last month, he dumped his creepy stalker/sidekick Simon. Well, Simon’s back in the fold, for some reason, so there’s obviously hope for Cass and Lori. Meanwhile, Psionic Lad has shown up from the future or something and immediately tries to take Simon’s place as the pushiest bottom in Smallville. Seriously, Conner. Go back to Tim. Now.
image Thor for Asgard #6
This issue concludes what has been a pretty awesome miniseries. With gorgeous art by Simone Bianchi and a pretty lively tale by Robert Rodi, I can’t wait to get the hardback of this collection. And not just because Bianchi is just about the only artist working today who seems to know anything about male anatomy. His thunder god bulges have been stellar, and this issue is no exception. We start right off with one of his best. Check it out. Come on! There’s like actual definition and everything. Besides that, this whole story could have been called How Thor Got His Groove Back, since much of the story has focused on his literal and metaphorical impotence. What good is a god (or a man) if he can’t lift his hammer? Turns out, a guy can do a lot without his hammer; he just has to believe in himself. That’s a valuable lesson. Not for me, of course. I’ve never had any problem hefting my hammer. I meant it’s a valuable lesson for other guys. Not me. I’m cool.


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