Comics Load: LGBTM (The “M” Stands for Morlock)

Not long ago, I tried to convince some skeptics that comic book creator and FBOTU contributor Brian Andersen has a very filthy mind. “Oh no, not Brian So Super Duper Andersen! He’s so sweet!” Yes, he’s also filthy. Anyone who uses the phrase “cream-town” in a comic review is not as sweet and innocent as you might think. So, please enjoy the Comics Load and the filthy, filthy stylings of Mr. Brian Andersen. (My own sweet and innocent reviews follow Brian’s.) Now, on with the Load!

Brian‘s Load image

image Brightest Day #22

Firestorm takes center stage, the professor—from the old Firestorm matrix—bites the big burrito in the sky (he’ll be back, so it’s hard to be sad or care too deeply), and the White Lantern continues its cryptic, crazy ways by bringing Firestorm into potential battle with Deadman. That’s pretty much it, really. Fighting, death, fighting. Next!
image FF #1

I haven’t been pulled into all the FF hoopla, with Johnny “dying”and what not, but I suppose I was curious enough to see what’s up with the former four in this new series. Does anything in this issue really want to make new readers come back? Not really. The FF are still the FF, albeit in hideously ugly new white uniforms, Dr. Doom shows up, and there’s a little pointless fighting. That’s pretty much it. Oh, and Spider-Man joins the team. Whoop-dee-doo! For me, the most exciting thing was learning that Alex Power from Power Pack is in the book! Yay! I LOVED Power Pack as a kid. It’s nice to see Alex still kicking around the Marvel U. Oh, and Artie and Leech, the Bert and Ernie of kid mutants, are also in the FF. How cool is that? For those who don’t remember, Leech was a Morlock and sported this filthy, shapeless yellow dress. (Yes, a dress!) He’s one of the first child cross-dresses ever featured in a comic book. Artie first appeared in X-Factor back in the 80s when X-Factor consisted of the original five X-Men members reunited, plus Jean Grey, who had recently come back from the dead.Good times! The duo became (butt?) buddies in X-Factor and then later in the X-Terminators (yeah, that was a real thing) and then Generation X. So, being the clear nerd that I am, I was happy to see them. Heehee. And, oh gosh, I really need a life.
image Power Girl #22

Power Girl, I really, realllllly want to love your comic. I’ll pretty much pick up any comic starring a solo heroine, but for some reason, I just can’t get fully vested in your comic. It’s not that gay-friendly Judd Winick isn’t an enjoyable writer; I’m something of a fan. And I do like the artwork by Sami Basri, more so since he hasn’t missed a single issue penciling your book since he took over the comic many Kryptonian moon cycles ago (a minor miracle this day and age). And I confess that I do embrace and accept your very large endowments, even if they are overly comical—but hey, they work for you. But if I have to pinpoint the main problem with your middle-of-the-road superhero book, it’s just that: middle-of-the-road. There really doesn’t seem to be a reason for it. Why do you need your own comic? We already have Supergirl, and she shares the same exact power set you have. And we have Superboy and Superman, all with the same powers, too (expect they have, like, penises) and for the most part, you all pretty much share the same world view, mission, etc. So what sets you apart, Power Girl? (Aside from those huge missiles you tote around.) Give me a reason for you to be showcased in your own series, an angle; something different than all the other Super-related comics, and I think I’d be more into your book. As it stands, it’s like a watered down Superman/Supergirl hybrid, only you have giant…fists.
image Uncanny X-Force #5.1, #6

I don’t know if I can love this comic anymore than if it took me from behind, bent me over and rocked me straight into cream-town. Awww yeah! It’s that good. Amazing writer Rick Remender never wastes a moment of dialogue without some humorous aside (i.e., Deadpool’s hilarious review of Australia: “Vegemite! Magic! Yahoo Serious! Free clinics!”), or a deeply personal/moralistic character revelation. Plus, for anyone who grew up on the X-Men in the Outback in the late 80s, issue 5.1 showcased the reemergence of the Reavers, a delicious dish of fondly remembered continuity that can only equate to being *&%# awesome! My one complaint? I need me some more X-Women on the team. As much as I celebrate Ninja Psylocke, and I do celebrate her—I even marched in her parade—X-Force is a bit of a sausage fest. And anyone who knows me knows I’m a massive fan of the sausage in my intimate moments, but in my everyday life, and especially in my comics, I’m a fan of both the Clam and the Man. So, get with it, X-Forcies! Bring on some more ladies!
image Uncanny X-Men #534

Dazzler and Pixie get reduced to lame catchphrase sprouting mutants in this rather “eh” issue. Sure it wasn’t bad or anything, and sure we see Northstar zooming past a panel every now and again as he pulls out his full curmudgeony self by reprimanding the catchphrase gals for being so annoying, but to be honest, there are just too many mutants running around that it’s nearly impossible to care about any of them. That’s the main problem with the X-Books right now, frankly. No time or space to develop characterization, no effort made to deepen relationships or pull the reader into why a certain character acts the way they do. The X-Men are coasting, with a few exceptions (Cyclops perhaps, maybe Emma), on what’s come before, like each character already has a firmly created personality and all the writer has to do is pop a character in, use their powers, and have them saunter off. It’s hard to care too much when you don’t really “know” the characters anymore. Oh well, at least Northstar and Dazzler made appearances! That’s something, right?
image Uncanny X-Men Annual #3

The best thing about this issue? Not the story, which was fairly entertaining—despite the fact that the issue harped on Hope’s dislike and near hatred of Cyclops (we get it, she doesn’t like him, how many times can she be bratty and challenge his orders in one issue?), and not the weird, D-List cast of characters pulled from the X-Roster (Namor and Dr. Nemesis? Blah.). No, the best thing about this issue is the artwork by Nick Bradshaw. Wow! He’s like the second coming of Arthur Adams! And if you don’t know who Arthur Adams is, then teleport your ass over to your nearest comic book store and pick up the X-Men/New Mutants crossover in Asgard. Classic, amazing stuff. So, yeah, Bradshaw might be aping my beloved Adams, but at least he’s aping someone amazing! I say, bring it on, Braddy baby. P.S. That’s my new pet name for him.
image Wolverine and Jubilee #3

After I praised the last few issues for writer Kathryn Immonen’s much improved, restrained scripts, where she wrote fun, straightforward, wit-filled dialogue, along comes this issue, and we’re back where we started when Immonen wrote Hellcat. Too much clever play on words, too much odd dialogue (Wolverine and his hyper intelligent back and forth with the zombie accountant) and then this huge, weird metaphysical ending where Jubilee ends up in some other dimensional, abstract universe? Huh? Can’t we just get back to Jubes being a vampire and drinking Logan’s blood? Now, that made sense. (It does make sense, right? Or do I read too many comics?)

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image Batman: Incorporated #4

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Grant Morrison is totally f**ked up. At first I was bothered by the bizarre time shifts in this issue, which follows Batwoman’s investigation of…something or other…while also playing flashbacks of Batman’s love affair with the first Batwoman. Only, the flashbacks are pure 1940s-1960s Batman in style and tone. Then I kind of got into the retro style, especially because it was cleverly accented with some heavy duty jealousy by Dick over Batman’s dalliance with Katherine Kane. I guess if your comic has been around for 70 years, these sort of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey episodes are unavoidable. Plus, it’s much easier to romanticize the fashions of the 60s than whatever people were wearing in the mid-90s. Still, Grant Morrison is totally f**ked up.
image Batman: Streets of Gotham #21

I know Thomas Elliot is a psychopath, but come on. The poor guy’s poor face has been through a lot. (I can sympathize; I used to take Accutane.) Now, thanks to Jane Doe, he looks like a scary muscle science model kit guy. And guess what? He’s still pissed off at Bruce. Of course. To quote Sassy Gay Friend: “Look at your life! Look at your choices! What, what what are you doing?” I suppose Bruce will find him a face donor. Let’s hope he does it soon before Tommy picks a new nickname. John Doe? Face Off? The Facial?
image Daken: Dark Wolverine #7

You know what’s been missing in the last couple of issues of Daken? Daken. He’s been reduced to making cameos in his own book. At least show him boinking and then brutally killing some hot Madripoorian male models or something. If you’re going to rule over a network of villains, apparently you start in Madripoor. Frankly, I would have started in Gotham, but I’m told that’s in a different universe. Daken is apparently moving to L.A. soon, so maybe he’ll get some more face time then. The paparazzi will love him.
image Supergirl #62

I didn’t go to Harvard, but I did go to another Ivy League school, and I knew guys like Alex. Total douche bag Supergirl-killing jerks. They tended to be in secret societies, which were never that secret, because they were always telling you they were in secret societies. And the Supergirl-killing was always way out of control, especially in the Greek system. So, I’m looking forward to Alex getting his Harvard butt kicked by our Kryptonian wonder lass. And I hope he gets expelled. Or worse…transferred to Brown.
image Ultimate Spider-Man #156

I’m starting to feel a little creepy reading this book. Like, I’ve got my popcorn and Icee, and now I’m just waiting to see some kid get murdered. Now that Norman has assembled a whole group of Spidey’s foes, I’m guessing we’re going to have a Julius Caeser kind of death, with everyone getting a chance to stab the webslinger. That would be…weird. You know what else is weird? Naked villains. We get an eyeful in this issue as Norman lounges around au naturel with his muscular, shirtless cohorts. No one blinks an eye at this, which I think is actually kind of cool. So, I’m torn. A bunch of jerks killing a teenager? Bad. A bunch of jerks getting naked and hanging out together. Good. Like I said, I’m torn.
image Uncanny X-Men #534

Well, that wrapped up nice and…well, tidy. I’m feeling Northstar’s pain, though. He and I both thought Northstar/Dazzler were heading for their own series. Now, it seems Dazzler has thrown him over for Pixie. I suppose a Dazzler/Pixie team-up will be easier to sell than the super gay adventures of Northstar/Dazzler. If I were Northstar, I would go to Wolverine and say, “Hey, you owe me. Go get stabby on Pixie.” But that’s me. I’m vengeful like that. Snikt!