Comics Load: Torn Shirts Vs. Skins

Because I spent all of May obsessing over FANATICON, my stack of comics just kept growing from week to week, sitting on my desk, unread. When I finally sat down to read them all, it took about 20+ hours. It sounds like fun, sure, but there was a lot of Batman, Inc. in there, so I can’t say anyone was having a good time. I’d like to thank the virile and buck-like Brian Andersen for taking over the Load in previous weeks. He did a splendid job, and now I owe him even more favors than before. So, look for a month-long celebration of the life and times of Brian Andersen coming soon. Now, sit back, relax, and join me as I catch you up on the highlights of my month of comics in this week’s Comics Load.

Action Comics #899
Poor Lex. Didn’t he almost have it all? And by “all,” I mean a shiny purple codpiece.

The Amazing Spider-Man #663
Hurrah! Negative Man is back! Please, please, if there is a god in heaven, Aunt May will turn evil again. Evil Aunt May is comedy gold.

Batgirl #21
Wendy and her dead brother Marvin are off to Nanda Parbat for an undoubtedly psychologically disturbing vacation. That’s a miniseries I’d love to see. It has Judd Winnick written all over it. Come on, DC. Make it so.

Batman #710
How many racial and ethnic stereotypes can you fit in one comic? Apparently, a lot. I haven’t checked to see how old artist Steve Scott is, or if he’s always been resentful of the civil rights movement, but he does seem to have a fondness for fur hat-wearing pimps in pink bell bottoms. Then, just turn the page for some old-fashioned Italian mobster stereotypes. To be fair, he’s just working with the script Tony Daniel gave him, and if an Italian mobster actually says, “Capisce?” what are you gonna do? Not draw a zoot suit?

Batman Incorporated #6
This is actually a professional artist’s idea of what Bruce Wayne looks like. Well, I’m assuming he got paid for this. Here’s mine.

Batman and Robin #23
I’m a strict vegetarian, but even I would take a bite of the juicy ginger beef.

The Boys #55
After too many issues of endless history lessons, we finally get one of the most satisfying payoffs ever, proving that nothing is more powerful than the truth. Now, bring on the crazy.

Daken: Dark Wolverine #9.1
I hope “Sad Naked Daken” becomes the next big internet meme. I’d like to see him with Sad Keanu or maybe the LOL cats.

DuckTales #1
Webby finally calls Uncle Scrooge on his rich white male crimes against humanity and forces him into an odyssey of retribution and redemption. I…am…not…kidding. 

Fear Itself #3
Sometimes, I just want to kick Thor square in the balls. He brings his psycho, disapproving father back from wherever the heck he was exiled, so when old dad goes psycho and chains him up and threatens to blow up Earth, Thor’s got no one to blame but himself. Blondes. 

Flashpoint #2
Seems like only yesterday when DC killed some characters and resurrected others in an effort to relaunch the DCU. Now there’s this mess. Wake me when it’s over.

Gotham City Sirens #23
Clearly, I need to re-read Battle for the Cowl. What terrible thing did Dick do? Or is Selina talking about that silly backstory about Dick watching while his rival acrobat took a beating? Clarification, please. And who the hell is Selina to judge anyone? Leave Dick alone, bitch!

Green Arrow #12
Love the over-the-shoulder look Ollie is rocking in this issue. I hope he keeps it for his future homoerotic team-ups with Galahad. For now, I’m just going to ignore the revelation that he’s been living inside Swamp Thing for the past year. Bleah.

Red Robin #23
I was recently chatting with fabulous DC writer Gail Simone about hypothetically adding characters to the Secret Six lineup. I suggested Red Robin, and this issue goes a long way to support my case. Tim..is losing it. He’s getting closer and closer to the edge, becoming reckless, arrogant and dangerous. He’s living in a powder keg and giving off sparks, and he’s due for a big fall and falling out with the Bat family. So, if he shows up in Secret Six at some point, you can all thank me.

Secret Six #34
Speaking of Secret Six…I’m going to do my best to ignore the fact that this issue feels more like the ending of a series than the end of a storyline. If the Six don’t survive the new DCU shake-up, I’m going to be one angry comics queen. If anyone is looking for a reason why the Six should continue, look no further than this issue, which manages to be funny, thrilling and heartbreaking, all at the same time. Plus, there are, like, a million possible storylines where Catman can get naked, so this book could (and should) go on forever.

Superboy #7
Long-Suffering Boyfriend saw the cover of Superboy #7 and asked me who the hottie was. I explained that Conner Kent is a hunk with two dads who’s always getting his shirt ripped off. Like here. And here. And here. In fact, Conner loses his shirt in every title he appears in this month. Will he play the same beefcake role in the new DCU? Just you try and stop him. 

Titans #35
Slade may not win any Father of the Year awards, but…damn. Am I right? Damn!

The Unwritten #25
And the award for most creative placement of a word balloon goes to…

X-23 #10
X-23 is now officially the last Marvel character I’d like to spend any time with. Here’s some sample dialogue from issue #10:

Gambit: For your birthday.
X-23: Gambit, I have no birthday.
Gambit: Y’were born, weren’t you?
X-23: I was excised from a womb.

Honey, get over yourself. I went through this phase, too, when I was your age. I wore a lot of black, smudged eyeliner and carried around a tear-stained copy of The Bell Jar. It took almost two semesters and a blonde surfer named TJ, but I got over myself. You will, too.

X-Factor #220
It’s never easy when you’re newly homosexual boyfriend has a she-beast as an ex. Trust me, I speak from experience. Shatterstar should just do what I did: plant a gram of coke in her diaper bag and call Child Protective Services. Problem solved.

That’s it for this week! Be sure to let us know what you’re reading (and recommending) in the comments section or over in the Comics Forum. Thanks for reading!