True Blood: Graveside Story

Oh, episode eight, where have you been all season? Waiting right here, have you? How nice. It’s good to see you, what with all your action, melding of storylines and advancements of plot. You’re nice, episode eight. Why don’t you tell me all about yourself?

Okay, so Tia Petunia is still reenacting the 11th hour number from Wicked, speaking in tongues, levitating and being lit by a member of the lighting designers union. Sad for her, her Spanglish incantations have had an effect on a whopping two vampires: Beulah (Maxine’s heretofore unseen neighbor) and Jessica. As you might remember from last week, Beulah went bye-bye in a blaze of glory, while Jessica was last seen opening…the…doors. Well, Beulah’s still a pile of goo, but lucky for Jessica, Jason was right outside and saved her from the true death. After a bit of rasslin’, the pair starts furiously making out in Bill’s well-appointed (and multi-functional) foyer. That’s sweet.

Jason returns Jessica to her cot next to Bill downstairs in S.H.I.E.L.D., and silvers her to keep her down. Now, you know and I know that he’d much rather give her a pearl necklace than a silver one, but it’s still HBO and not Adult On-Demand, so we’ll settle. For now.

Bill and Jason agree that Jason won’t report Bucky’s death and Bill won’t report Jason’s shooting of his guard. If only Middle East negotiations went as smoothly. Later that evening, after a good rest, Jessica goes home to Hoyt. She tries to break up with him and—HOLY CRAP! JESSICA JUST KILLED HOYT! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! —and now she and Jason are going to do it in the truck? HOLY CRAP! HOLY CR…oh, it was just a dream. Never mind.

God, Jess, don’t be so dramatic.

So, when Jessica’s awake (for reals this time) and goes home to break up with Hoyt, he turns the tables and breaks up with her…hard. He rescinds his welcome in his home, and she goes flying out the door. She’s left on the porch, crying, while he’s inside the house breaking things, and we sit there thinking about the time the guy we wanted to break up with broke up with us first. But we looooved him. Later, when Jessica tries to find solace in Jason’s arms, he, too, rescinds his welcome, and she goes flying out the door. Wow, bad day for Jessica and doors.

What did I just say, Jess?

I don’t want to say I’m a genius, but remember Mary Kay? The pack leader who didn’t have a name? Turns out his name is Marcus. Yep, Mary Kay=Marcus. Boy genius, that’s me. Anyway, Mary Kay calls a pack HR meeting on his front lawn with all of his werecosmetics sales force. Given the sexual misconduct rampant in these parts, this meeting’s not about avoiding sexual harassment, but rather to discuss the recent vampire/witch problems. Mary Kay, like any good corporate boss, instructs the others to just stay out of it. At least until the mid-term elections are over, then they can Tea Party it up.

Can I keep him? Huh? Can I?

Later, after Alcide helps break up a fight by putting a testy wereperson in a headlock that looked like it could really hurt, but you wouldn’t mind, Mary Kay tells him that he’s good werepeople. It’s nice to get positive reinforcement from regional managers, isn’t it? Mary Kay goes on to say that Alcide has “alpha” in him.

Breaking News: From now on, my tongue will be named “Alpha.” We now return you to our regularly scheduled recap.

Sam pops by Luna’s to work things out. We immediately know Luna’s a good mother because she answers the door holding a kitchen towel. I mean, everyone knows that the hallmark of good, hardworking mothers is answering the door holding a kitchen towel. It’s kind of like the secret markings used on the Underground Railroad. It turns out Mary Kay is Luna’s ex and Emma’s father. (See how the writers are bringing things together? Good writers. Sit. Stay.) Mary Kay’s upset that Sam’s having dinner with them, and makes a homophobic remark about Sam and his enjoyment of Barbies. Go fuck yourself, Mary Kay. Mary Kay tells Sam that he’s pissed on the wrong boots. Are we to assume there’s a correct pair of boots upon which to piss? Straight guys are weird.

From the Martha Stewart Viking Collection. Available at Macy’s.

Back at Sookie’s, she and Eric (who still hasn’t found his shoes, by the way) reenact the waxing scene from The 40-Year-Old Virgin as she removes the silver from his chest and neck. Poor Eric hasn’t fed since he bippity boppity bled Sookie’s fairy godmother, so she offers herself up to help him heal. She trusts him enough to let him bite her, which he does—rapturously—and then offers himself up to her, so she drinks the blood spewing from the holes he just made in his hand. I have to stop here for a moment and ask: Isn’t there a better way to do this? With all of this intentional bloodletting that’s probably going on everywhere, wouldn’t it make more sense to create one of those pin prick things like the one diabetics use to test their blood sugar? It would save time, probably be more sanitary, and the cost on laundering sheets and clothing would probably pay for the price of the syringes in no time.

After some afternoon midnight delight, Sookie and Eric take a shower. Apparently, the shower leads them right into Narnia, where they do it on a snow-covered bed. It’s very romantic, but I got the feeling that the hand-held shots were being filmed by Mr. Tumnus, who was probably a bit too tumescent to hold the steady cam properly.

Poor Tia Petunia can’t work the TV remote, though it’s clear by the way she’s gesticulating that she’s been watching too many Almodovar movies for her own good. Tara’s apparently the new receptionist at the Moon Goddess Emporium. Yes, Tara. The nation’s unemployment rates are skyrocketing and Tara, who can never hold a job for more than one episode, has yet another one. Anyway, she puts Bill on speakerphone (does Tia Petunia think it’s a magic talking box?) and they decide to meet, alone, in the cemetery at Bon Temps at midnight. I guess conference room C was already booked. Tara’s a bad receptionist.


Princess Tiana visits Rosemary’s Baby in Merlotte’s kitchen, and is spotted by Lafayette, who later has a vision of Tiana, holding a new-and-clean version of that creepy babydoll, coming home to discover that her white, married Baby Daddy has just killed their baby. Lafayette is possessed by Tiana (seriously, what is with all of these people coming in his mouth without asking?) who hijacks his body over to Andy’s. It should be noted that when possessed by a centuries-old woman, Lafayette is slightly more butch than usual.

On a lighter note, Tommy skinwalks as Maxine for a while and, in a hilariously vulgar exchange, agrees to sell her land to the shady real estate guy.

Back at Bill’s, he dresses in his kingly leathers to greet Sookie and Eric on his way to the showdown with Tia Petunia. Eric’s dressed like a Gap ad from 1986 and Sookie’s in some sort of militant FLDS get-up. They agree they’re all warriors in their own way, so Harry, Ron and Hermione to go into the woods to fight Tia Petunia together.

A. Polite people stand up when a king enters the room. B. Sookie, what the f**k are you wearing?

When they get to the cemetery, we find that each has backup. Hers is under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, while his are just a few steps back. Oookay. They try to negotiate peace, but Eric jumps the gun and kills a guy. Suddenly, Tia Petunia remembers that Sookie’s an X-Man, so she turns into Storm, and makes everything all foggy.

Run, Cedric! Run!

Action, everyone! Screams! Running! Fangs! Tara kills a vamp. Pam takes her gun away, but right before she can start chowing down, Bill commands her to never hurt Tara. I think Magneto does something at this point, but it was so damn foggy! Sookie gets shot and carried away by Alcide (who hears what’s going on, like, miles away—thanks, werehearing!), Bill gets silvered (again), and Eric is compelled to kneel before Tia Petunia, who starts petting his pretty, blonde head.

What will we discover when the fog rolls out? Where is Eric? Will Sookie survive? Was that Adrienne Barbeau? Until next week, Truebies!

Robb Pearlman is the author of the Spoiler Alert: Bruce Willis is Dead and 399 More Endings from Movies, TV, Books, and Life, coming this November, as well as The Q Guide to Sex and the City and upcoming adaptations of Alice in Wonderland and Winnie the Pooh. He is an editor of pop culture and entertainment titles, including the upcoming The Joker and The Syfy Book of SciFi. Robb is known by name in comic book stores in such wide ranging locales as New York, Gotham City, Brigadoon and Alderaan. An only child in constant need of validation, he promises to accept your Facebook friend request.

Read all of Robb’s True Blood recaps here.

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