True Blood: Bruja-ha

It will come as no surprise to anyone that I’m a fan of Alcide. I’d even go so far as to say, “He my Boo.” And yet, I have to admit that I’d rather walk into Dr. Sivana’s OBGYN practice dressed as Mary Marvel than trust him with any medical emergency I might encounter. Alcide knows how to pour concrete, and lord almighty does he know how to work the strong yet absorbent Brawny paper towel man look, but I think we can all agree that he’d be a really lousy EMT. This is the second time in two episodes that he’s been convinced not to take someone who’s bleeding and dying to a hospital. First, he agreed to let Sookie bleed out on a couch, and now he agrees to Tommy’s plan to go to Merlotte’s—where nobody ever works—and Tommy’s the one who’s bleeding out! Oh, and get this: he lays him out on a pool table—a pool table! That table’s had more dirty balls rolling over it than a Hell’s Kitchen park bench during Fleet Week. “Unsanitary” doesn’t even begin to describe it. What about the perfectly good (and probably more comfortable) couch in Sam’s back office, or Sam’s apartment, which is about ten feet further from that. This isn’t just a WTF moment, but a TFW (totally fucked-up werewolf) one as well.

He died as he lived. On top of a pool table. Under a Budweiser sign.

So as Tommy’s sputtering and all, Sam shows up and decides to put him out of his misery by talking him to death. Tommy thinks that there isn’t any heaven and that hell is a dog fight. I have to disagree. Have you ever seen two bitches fight over a purse at a Michael Kors sample sale? It’s pure heaven.

Tommy apologies for being a jerk, and Sam says nothing was his fault. Umm…beg to differ with you, too, Sammy. Lots was his fault. Lots and lots and lots. And I wouldn’t forgive him right away, considering he’s probably leaving some really stubborn stains on that pool table. Tommy goes cross-eyed and dies, thereby eliminating one more loose thread from the tapestry of storylines that has been Season 4. This makes Sam, who all of a sudden realizes that he kind of liked having his kid brother around (despite the skin walking, stealing, murdering, girlfriend-shtupping of the past) and vows revenge on Mary Kay. Alcide’s gonna help, making this the third person that Alcide’s either directly or indirectly agreed to help kill (Russell, Tommy, Mary Kay). I guess if the housing market starts affecting his construction business, he’s already got a sideline, which is important in this economy.

“In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The chaos at the Festival of Tolerance is still going on. The good thing is 1-800-DENTIST’s marketing dollars are really going a long way, but the bad news is the merchandising table is completely destroyed when Eric throws Bill into it. Swag goes everywhere, and Rogue, knowing the value of a goodie bag, totally goes Jubilee on Eric and blasts his ass and memories back.

Meanwhile, Tia Petunia goes all Gollum/Smeigel and starts talking to herself. “What has she done?” she asks. “Collected a fat paycheck,” we answer, as Eric, Sookie and Bill just, sort of, stare at each other for a while. Maybe they’re waiting for the 1-800-DENTIST lady to remind them of where to call for help? (That number again: 1-800 DENTIST).

Back in the back of the pickup truck, Jason and Jessica (who clearly has a no-frontal-nudity clause in her contract) talk about their guilt or lack of guilt regarding Hoyt. Jason tells Jessica that Hoyt once grew 10 inches in a growth spurt. You’d think the thought of Hoyt gaining 10 inches would be appealing, but it really just seems…excessive.

Tia Petunia returns to Moon Goddess still all Golluming-out, explains to her Wiccan hostages that she’s trying to destroy the night beasts not for herself—but for all of them. This made me think of two things: 1) Shouldn’t Stockholm Syndrome be kicking in any moment? And 2) The last time I saw someone laying a guilt trip on that thick was last Rosh Hashanna.

Back at S.H.I.E.L.D., Nan and Bill play the blame game about who’s done a worse job. Bill blames Nan. Nan blames Bill. I blame Alan Ball. Bill wants to take Antonia out by any means necessary, suggesting that they blow up the Moon Goddess Emporium. After all, if fire killed her once, it might do it again. Bill, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Just food for thought. Please deposit five cents in my can.

Nan suggests that blowing up the store isn’t a 21st century solution and that he’s fucking their whole agenda up the ass. At this point, I pressed pause and Googled “Theirwhole Agenda” to see if it’s the name of some porn actor. It isn’t.

Sookie and Eric are talking again. These two crazy kids sure do talk a lot. Pam shows up and she feels bad that Eric didn’t call her when he got his wits about him. I cannot blame him for this. Sure, he remembers everything now, but does anyone remember anyone’s phone number anymore? That’s what cell phones are for.

Jason and Hoyt have a conversation about how Hoyt’s feeling now that Jessica’s gone. He says he feels too full and too empty all at once. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?

Straight boys are weird.

Terry decides that HBO and Andy have a codependent relationship, so he drives them over to Fort Bellefleur, located on the set of A&E’s Intervention. The two cousins shoot at cans in the woods, which given the incredibly high foot traffic, is probably extraordinarily dangerous. After some shootin’, some wrastlin’, and some huggin’, Andy decides to start on the road to recovery. One day at a time, Andy!

Sookie tells Jason what happened the night before at the Dorchester, which just proves what a perceptive law enforcement officer he is. They head over to Lafayette who, back in the corn rows, is now sporting knee-highs, board shorts, a wife beater and fuzzy slippers, which serves as a nice contrast to Jesus’s smart and simple robe ensemble. Jesus says he knows Marnie better than anybody else. He does? Oh. Okay. Whatever, he looks cute in the robe. They all decide to go over to Moon Goddess and try to reason with Tia Petunia and get the hostages released.

They must be watching this episode.

Like a bulimic after eating too much tapas, Marnie throws up Antonia, and we find out that it’s Antonia, not Marnie, who’s having second thoughts about the whole mass extermination thing. You see, it’s all about Marnie and how she was shunned for what she was, not getting rid of the vampires. She convinces Antonia that there’s a communion of souls and fate brought them together to fight evil. And pay off her Rosetta Stone Spanish DVDs.

Showdown in Burbank.

Tia Petunia and Jesus reenact the scene between Picard and Malcom McDowell in Star Trek: Generations by having an “awww…c’mon, don’t be a dick” conversation on either side of a force field. He eventually makes it through by donning a Lucha Loco mask and dancing like Elaine (for those of you counting, that’s two Seinfeld references in two weeks). Tia Petunia’s impressed that Jesus made it through, so they sit amongst the incense and tapestries for one of those cross-legged 1970s rap sessions I’ve seen on After School Specials. Tia Petunia explains that what’s going on isn’t a possession, but a union. Not like the Teamsters, though, which is too bad because Alcide’s looking for work. Jesus quickly realizes that this honky chick, who just called his boyfriend a Moor, is crazier than Nixon, and sends out an SOS to Sookie who’s waiting by the car.

You know, Marnie, there’s nothing in the Wiccan Rede against wearing a little lipstick.

Tara and Holly make things very windy, and everyone sort of freaks out at once. Everyone except for Jason runs toward the forcefield and they all get bug zapped from daytime 70s to nighttime in the 80s as a van pulls up to the site. Out come Eric, Pam, Jessica and Bill, looking more like the A-Team than they should. Clad in slimming black and widening weaponry, they walk, slo-mo, toward the Moon Goddess when they suddenly freeze frame as a punky version of “Burning Down the House” plays us to the credits.

Poor Bill. Shouldn’t have worn flats.

Will the last two episodes bring us back into the 2000s or will be stopping off in the 90s? Will Tara cry? Will Nan and Bill make up? Will Alcide take a CPR class? Until next week!

Robb Pearlman is the author of the Spoiler Alert: Bruce Willis is Dead and 399 More Endings from Movies, TV, Books, and Life, coming this November, as well as The Q Guide to Sex and the City and upcoming adaptations of Alice in Wonderland and Winnie the Pooh. He is an editor of pop culture and entertainment titles, including the upcoming The Joker and The Syfy Book of SciFi. Robb is known by name in comic book stores in such wide ranging locales as New York, Gotham City, Brigadoon and Alderaan. An only child in constant need of validation, he promises to accept your Facebook friend request.

Read all of Robb’s True Blood recaps here.


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