Vampire Diaries Diary: What Would Dolly Do?

Dear Diary-

Weird news. I’ve developed a new super power. In addition to my previous ability to knock people’s hats off with my mind; I can now get characters on TV to take their shirts off. It’s a useful power to have, believe me. Just as The Vampire Diaries was starting this week, I thought, “Gee, I’d like to see Alaric take his shirt off.” Then, lo and behold, what do I see? Shirtless Alaric, who, even though he’s moved back to his place, is still sleeping on the couch. He’s just a couch-sleeping kind of guy, I guess. The shirtless couch-sleeping is the #1 reason Elena needs to get him back in the Gilbert household. I once shared a basement apartment with a rugby coach who would fall asleep naked on the couch. Trust me, it does wonders for a room. As for my new superpower, I’m going to try it out on Anderson Cooper next and see what happens.

I like Elena. I do. I like that she’s not your usual complacent damsel in distress. If there’s danger, Elena runs right into it. Which sounds kind of stupid now that I think about it, but it’s actually very cool. She knows everyone’s trying to protect her, but she doesn’t NEED or WANT to be protected, no matter how many people die in the process. Even knowing Stefan is “off the rails,” Elena hasn’t given up on him, and she’s pestering everyone to help her track him down.

Stefan, meanwhile, is carrying a dead werewolf through the mountains of Tennessee, which is pretty impressive. I could probably carry a twink over my shoulders, but I don’t think a twink like Stefan could carry a beefy guy like Ray. Must be special effects.

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler’s mom is in full-on overprotective mother mode. Mrs. Lockwood. May I call you Carol? Carol, lots of kids are sleeping with vampires nowadays. It’s just part of growing up in the modern world. You really need to get with the program. Odds are you’re going to have vampire grandkids at some point. Might as well get used to the idea sooner than later. Here’s a pamphlet: “So, Your Child is F**king a Vampire.”

Over at the cafe, Jeremy puts the brakes on Season 3 and decides to deal with a Season 1 problem: Vickie. How can he help Vickie’s ghost AND seduce Matt at the same time? Why, the old “seduce a straight guy via a seance with his dead sister” trick, of course. It’s a classic. And don’t forget to tell him to take his clothes off, so he can connect with the spirit world better.

Back in Tennessee, Elena and the boys head up to the Smoky Mountains to look for Stefan, Klaus, werewolves and Ned Beatty. Having spent some time in the same general region, I kept wondering how far they were from Dollywood. Seems like a perfect tie-in for the park: have the kids from Vampire Diaries drop in and film an episode or two. Blossom, Full House and Roseanne all went to Disney theme parks, so why can’t the Mystic Falls gang go to Dollywood?

Unfortunately, Caroline can’t go, because she’s tied up at the moment. By her father. Which is kind of icky. But Jack Coleman is playing her long-lost daddy, so yay! Most of the audience will recognize him as the dad of that other supernatural blonde on Heroes, but to me, he’ll always be the second Steven Carrington on Dynasty. Tall, blonde, strapping bisexual (but mostly gay) Steven Carrington. Sure, he slept with Heather Locklear, but who wouldn’t? Now, in a bit of typecasting, he’s playing Caroline’s gay dad. And, in a bit of irony, he’s really intolerant of vampires. Get her!

Back in the mountains, Elena tries to give Alaric the magic ring that saves you from supernatural death. Alaric protests and tells her she should wear it. Then, Elena delivers the best line in the history of the world: “I’m a doppelganger; it’s not going to work on me.” Oh my god, will someone please put that on a t-shirt? I would wear it every day.

You know, I’m starting to feel for Klaus. He just wants to create an unstoppable army of monsters. Is that so wrong? Plus, it must be extremely difficult for him to resist the urge to compel Stefan to give him long, loving vampire lap dances all the time. Then, just when things couldn’t get any worse, they do. Ray the werevamp starts bleeding from his eyes, which is apparently NOT a stage in hybrid transformation. Sorry, Klaus. Here’s a pamphlet: “So, You Want to Create a Race of Super-Monsters.”

Back in Mystic Falls, Tyler chooses the worst possible way to come out to his mom as a werewolf: he makes her watch. It’s like a gay guy inviting his mom to watch his homemade sex tapes. It’s going to end with nudity, bodily fluids and awkward silences. Still, Carol sees the error of her ways and decides that Tyler can have a vampire girlfriend after all. In a way, it’s very profound. Carol gets it. Rounding up vampires is just a step away from rounding up werewolves. No one says it out loud, but she gets it. Kudos, Carol.

Back in the mountains, the plan to find Stefan fails, and it’s up to Damon to lure Ray the werevamp away, so Alaric and Elena can escape. While waiting for Damon to return, Elena and Alaric have a heart-to-heart that TOTALLY GOT TO ME. Yeah, it’s the kind of thing that gets me every time. Whenever people come together and form their own family, I lose it. It’s such a vital part of the gay mythos, and I love that The Vampire Diaries gets that. Alaric keeps Elena’s ring; Stefan saves Damon from Ray; and the Scooby gang hightails it to Gatlinburg to spend the night and maybe visit Cooter’s.

Back in Mystic Falls, Matt finally realizes that a clumsy BJ from Jeremy is better than none at all, so he agrees to the seance. They bond over the fact that they were both compelled to forget Vickie’s death. I secretly hope Vickie shows up and says, “My afterlife is so boring. If I have to sing ‘Kumbaya’ one more time…” I think vampire afterlife is going to be fascinating. They brought a dead vamp back to life on Being Human, so why not?

Klaus’s experiment fails, and he’s not happy. He killed the doppelganger. He killed a werewolf. He killed a vampire. He killed the doppelganger. Hmmm. What could possibly have gone wrong?

I know everyone thought Eric drinking from a heart like it was a juice box on True Blood was hot. Well, what about Klaus bleeding into a beer bottle and handing it to Stefan? I would have preferred something a little more intimate, of course, but it was a suitably bromantic thing to do, especially since Klaus tells Stefan he’s the only friend he has. Plus, one of those CW alt rock ballads starts playing during the scene, so I’m not complaining. Go Klaufan! Or is it Stefaus?

And—hurrah!—Alaric moves back in with the Gilberts!

Now, take your shirt off…take your shirt off…

Read all of FBOTU’s Vampire Diaries Diary entries here.

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