Can you believe Supernatural is back for a seventh season? I’m not complaining, necessarily, even though season six gave us the most blatant shark-jumping episode ever, when the Winchester boys found themselves in a dimension where Supernatural is a TV show starring Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles. Ugh. The season managed to recover by the end, though, and Castiel’s rise to heavenly power proved to be an intriguing and surprisingly ominous turn of events. In “Meet the New Boss,” the seventh season opener, there’s a new God in town, and it’s Cas. We pick up right where we left off in last season’s finale, with Cas demanding love and obedience from the Winchesters. He tells them he’s large and in charge, reminds them that Sam is in bad shape (soul-wise), then wipes out a bunch of rebel angels. So, you know, things are f**ked, as usual. And since this is Supernatural, and they have no money, the angel massacre is just a bunch of extras sprawled out on the lawn outside the Vancouver production offices, with some angel wings burnt into the sod with a blowtorch. I asked Long-Suffering Boyfriend Michael if I could burn angel wings into his front lawn and do some sprawling of my own, and he said yes, if I promised to catch whoever’s been letting their dog befoul his Kentucky Bluegrass.
While God Cas is doing a rainbow tour of his new kingdom, Dean works on his car, Bobby frets over finding an anti-God solution, and Sam looks vulnerable and adorable. He’s also having hell hallucinations, or hellucinations, if you will, but he still looks vulnerable and adorable in the process. God Cas’s tour bus stops at an anti-gay church and Cas does some extremely satisfying smiting, which is totally, totally awesome. I might give up my atheistic lifestyle if Cas were really in charge of things. He even pays good ol’ Crowley a visit and re-enlists him as King of Hell. Well, a downsized hell, but still. In this economy, who can turn down a job? Especially since he didn’t even make it into the season finale of Doctor Who.
In pure Three’s Company style, Sam overhears Dean and Bobby talking about what a mess he is. Awww. Sad Sam is sad. Then, because nothing gold can stay on Supernatural, Cas starts to show some signs of godly wear and tear. He does have millions of souls inside him, plus some ghoulies from Purgatory called the Leviathans. The production team then spends their whole season’s budget on the John Hurt/Alien effect of something nasty trying to burst out of Cas’s sexy tummy.
With Crowley’s help, the Scooby gang binds Death to see if there’s anything he can do about Cas, who continues to become increasingly smite-y. Of course, Cas shows up to challenge the boys and Death, before paying a bloody, gruesome visit to Michelle
Walker’s campaign headquarters. Death tells the boys they have to get Cas to regurgitate the souls back into Purgatory or else. All of this regurgitating is starting to trigger memories of my bulimia days, which can out-horror anything the Supernatural folks can come up with. Let me just say this: when you lose your gag reflex, an emery board dipped in cod liver oil will do the trick.
The Winchester boys then decide to take their clothes off and wrestle. Just kidding. Dean confronts Sam on his hallucinations and his mega-hell hangover, or hellover, if you will. Sam says it’s under control and he knows what’s real and what’s not. Dean says he’s going to drink, stuff his piehole and watch Asian cartoon porn while the world burns, but Cas’s latest massacre sobers him up a bit. Sam, because he’s Cas’s favorite, gives prayer one last chance, and I try to recall the last time I ever prayed. I can’t remember, which kind of bums me out. I’ll assume it was either a call for divine retribution against my enemies or an Xbox for Christmas. I got neither.
Cas interrupts Dean’s Asian cartoon porn time and asks for help. They head back to the lab and put the regurgitation, or re-Purgatation, if you will, in motion. Inconveniently, Cas doesn’t have the strength to restore Sam’s wall, but he apologizes to Dean for f**king stuff up. This would be a good time for Dean to kiss him, but since Cas’s face is all boils and pestilence, I forgive Dean for taking a raincheck. Meanwhile, Sam runs into Lucifer and they reminisce about their horrific eternity in the hell cage. Lucifer then takes a page from Buffy and tells Sam that maybe he’s still in the cage, and all this is just a dream, the ultimate punishment.
Bobby, Dean and Cas manage to re-open the door to Purgatory, and Cas spits up most of the souls before collapsing in a heap. Just when you think he’s lost, though, he snaps back, thanks to the party of Laviathans still inside him. Don’t you hate it when you just want to sleep, but someone keeps putting something big inside of you? Then, before you can say Cthulhu, Cas throws Dean and Bobby’s stunt doubles around the lab and goes all veiny and Dark Willow-y. Clearly, Cas’s punishment for his delusions of grandeur are a never-ending series of dermatological disasters. Poor Cas. I was rooting for you, man!
Next Week: Cas gives up being God and lands a show on OWN.
Read all of FBOTU’s Supernatural season seven recaps here. They’re supernaturally delicious!