Vampire Diaries Diary: Take A Beat

Dear Diary-

What do you do when you like a boy and he’s totally dreamy, but also kind of evil, and he’s always there for you, except when he’s off killing people, and he’s your missing boyfriend’s brother? Ugh. High school sucks! 

The title of this week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries is “Disturbing Behavior,” and there’s a lot of it going around. First, Katherine lures Stefan away from shopping with newly resurrected Rebecca and tries to get him to confide in her. Ha! Not likely, Katherine. Stefan may be the worst liar, bluffer, poker player and manipulator ever, but he at least knows not to trust you.

Back in Mystic Falls, Elena and Damon flirt and giggle and make chili for the Lockwood’s potluck party. I can’t believe we’ve had two parties so far this season, and no one has died. It’s a Mystic Falls record. Alaric shows up, and they all remind the audience that Elena is wearing a necklace. A necklace that Stefan gave her. The camera zooms in and out on it, and I expect John Madden to show up and circle it with a marker. The necklace is important. We got it.

Upstairs, Jeremy wakes up, fully clothed for some reason, and guess who’s lounging beside him? Yes! It’s that girl who died. Gah, what’s her name? Pearl’s kid. Anne. Anna! Yes. Anna’s there and Jeremy can hear her. Apparently, he hasn’t been able to hear her since she warned him about Vickie. She’s very happy he can hear her now, though, because wherever she is, heaven, hell or purgatory, she’s lonely. Aw. Sad vampire face. And guess who’s back? I mean, besides all the dead people. It’s Bonnie! She’s like a guest star on her own show now. It’s weird how they’re always sending her off. But now she’s back and Jeremy’s going to protect her from the knowledge that his own resurrection came with side effects. Of course he is.

Meanwhile, the sheriff calls Damon in to compel Caroline’s gay dad, Bill. I thought the sheriff might ask Damon to compel him to be straight, but luckily all she wants is to erase Caroline’s new vamp status from his memory banks. Bill tells Damon that overcoming vampirism is mind over matter. Hmmm. What do you want to bet he can’t be compelled?

Back in Chicagoland, Witch Gloria does a location spell to find the necklace. At the same time, Elena gets a nasty necklace burn. Ignoring the whole burning thing that just happened, Bonnie reaches out to touch it and gets a jolt. At this point, I thought Caroline might give it a go, but instead we cut to commercial. Guess what’s back? Yes! The creepy Snickers Halloween commercial! So freaky. I love it. 

Witch Gloria says she needs more time to determine the location of the necklace. Witch Bonnie says she needs more time to determine what spell is on the necklace. I think everyone needs faster witches. While the witches are doing their thing, Caroline asks Elena about Damon. Elena’s all, “Oh my god, Caroline. Whatevs.” Caroline accepts this thoughtful and compelling argument…for now. 

Alaric, proving he’s serious about taking care of the Gilbert kids, tells Damon that he seriously needs to “take a beat.” Seriously. Damon seems as confused as I am about what that means. Has Alaric been reading An Actor Prepares or something? Is he giving Damon stage instructions? Or is that how kids are talking nowadays? Alaric’s a teacher, whenever people actually go to school, so I guess he picked it up there. Take a beat. Damon looks around for help, but the crew has no idea what it means, either, so they just end the scene.

I guess Witch Gloria didn’t need all that time, after all. She knows that whoever has the necklace is connected to Stefan, but she needs more info. And blood. Stefan again tries to be cool and manipulative, which we’ve already established he’s terrible at, so Gloria strips him and ties him up, like they’re in an episode of Smallville, and he’s Oliver Queen.

Oo, remember a few paragraphs back when I said I didn’t think Gay Bill could be compelled? Well, I was right. Gay Bill is back, uncompelled and he wants to take over the counsel. Elena tells Caroline to hide because, you know, her vampire-torturing dad just crashed the potluck, and since it’s party number two with no deaths so far, why tempt fate? Caroline decides to hide upstairs in Tyler’s room. *Cough*Slut!*Cough*

Witch Gloria gets the goods from Stefan, because he’s Stefan and he’s ridiculously weak. But guess who comes to his rescue just in time? Katherine! Yay! She wants in on taking down Klaus, but Stefan brushes her off at first. Then, proving just how terrible he is at keeping his plans to himself, he tells her the most important piece of information he has: Klaus is running from someone. Katherine already knows this and confirms that it’s a vampire hunter. So, why is an original vampire who can’t be killed afraid of a vampire hunter? And who will find out first? I think it’s safe to assume it won’t be Stefan. 

Tyler skips the Lockwood potluck, even though he’s the only other Lockwood around, and goes to football practice instead. It must be every straight boy’s dream to go to football practice, then come home to find a hot blonde waiting for you in your bedroom. And she doesn’t even make you take a shower before you do it. The only thing that could ruin the moment would be a phone call from Elena, warning Caroline that Damon’s going to kill her gay dad.

It’s not inconceivable that Damon could kill Bill. Ha! Get it? Kill Bill? Anyway, he’s a guest star, and Damon’s good at killing guest stars. Plus, he just killed Alaric again. Don’t worry, though. Alaric was wearing his magic anti-death ring. Damon confronts Bill and sucks on him for a while, but before he can finish the deed, badass Caroline from Season 2 finally shows up and kicks Damon’s ass. Welcome back, badass Caroline! (By the way, what is that sound they use whenever vampires are gnawing on someone’s neck? It’s like a foley artist is shoving his fists into a bowl of ground beef on a sound stage in Burbank somewhere.)

Elena pops in just in time to tell Damon that he needs to behave, you know, like Stefan. Damon tells her off and then slinks off to reapply his guyliner and make Zoolander faces at the mirror. Then, in one of those shocking VD moments, Jeremy finally comes clean with Bonnie, which totally bums out Anna, who just wants Jeremy to talk to her for all eternity. Oh well, that’s that. I’m sure we’ve seen the last of her…

Caroline pushes Elena on the Damon issue, and Elena says some nonsense about being afraid of what it says about her if she admits an attraction to Damon. Caroline tells her she’s human. I suddenly realize she’s one of the last humans in town. And she’s not even a real human. She’s a doppelganger.  Anyway, Caroline then tells her gay dad goodbye and assures him that she’ll be okay. Dad goes full-on bitchy queen and tells her she’s a vampire and will never be okay again. In my head, he also adds a snap.

Proving she’s been out of town too long, Bonnie meets up with Katherine and hands over Elena’s necklace. I know Katherine straightened her hair, but come on, Bonnie! Come on!

Apparently, there are more of Klaus’s family members in that warehouse in Chicago. Hmm… The camera lingers on the coffins like they were necklaces. I wonder if more of the fam will come into play later on. Stefan and Rebecca get a romantic moment alone among the coffins. He then proves once and for all how completely crappy he is at subterfuge and flat-out asks her about the hunter. Rebecca counters and asks about Elena. They kiss, but Rebecca can tell Stefan’s not into it, so she rats him out to Klaus.

Klaus, being at least 5% smarter than Stefan, throws him in a truck and hauls him back to Mystic Falls. God, Stefan! You are so bad at being a badass vampire. Seriously, Caroline is more of a badass than you are. You need to take badass vampire lessons from Caroline. There, I said it. Now, get out of here. I don’t want to see you for at least a week. You need to think about what you’ve done.

That’s all for now. Time to relax with a cup of coffee with a shot of vervain. Maybe some leftover Gilbert family chili. I hope it’s vegan.

Until next time.

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