Welcome back, Supernatural fans! (Supernaturites? Supernaturalists?) It’s another week and another reminder that Dean knifed Sam’s old flame Amy in the gut. By now, I think we can safely assume that little action is going to be a season-long issue. Is there anything Dean can do to make up for killing this extremely important girl we’ve never heard of before? Or will it drive a wedge between the brothers for good?
As “Shut Up, Dr. Phil” begins, Dean’s dreaming of desaturated scenes from previous episodes. Cas’s demise. Sam’s breakdown. The Amy thing. You’d think he’d be a little nicer to Sam, considering the guilt he’s carrying around, but no. He berates him for his seemingly healthy new attitude about life, hell, the hole in the mystical wall in his head. Dean’s hitting the bottle pretty hard, which Sam points out and Dean resents. You’d think this would lead to a long conversation while Sam takes a shower, but no. There’s hunting to do. Seems the nice citizens of Prosperity, Indiana are dying in freak accidents: boiling in hot tubs; frying under hair dryers in beauty salons (one of my one personal phobias).
Meanwhile, Leviathan Customer Service is
lukewarm on the trail of the Winchester brothers, eating people and stopping at Kwik-E-Marts across the midwest, not unlike my own recent trek across the country, except without the eating people part. The boys arrive in Indiana and begin to find clues linking all the mysterious deaths together. After a hunky construction worker gets nailed in a port-o-john (seriously, that happened, with real nails and everything, which is also one of my personal phobias), and ancient coins are found at each crime scene, the culprits become clear: witches.
Oh, but not just any witches, kids. No, this week’s special hex stars are Charisma Carpenter and James Marsters (aka Cordelia and Spike from Buffy)! It’s clever casting, even if they really don’t get to do as much as the premise promises. They play the Starks, a battling War of the Roses husband and wife who’ve been having some marital problems for the past 800 years or so. He’s been unfaithful; she’s been neglectful; he’s been absent; she’s been killing all his friends and lovers. You know how it goes. The dead folks in town are all casualties in Cordy’s quest for vengeance.
Just when she thinks she’s punished everyone, it’s Spike’s turn to get even. Cordy’s having an art auction to benefit a children’s charity. She must really hate those kids, though, because it’s a collection of the worst art I’ve ever seen. We’re talking oil paintings of babies in top hats. Spike does the merciful thing and destroys them all. He also decapitates Cordy’s “lez be best friends” BFF Sue, which is kind of annoying. See, Sue is portrayed as having a crush on Cordy. She’s the one who told Cordy about Spike’s infidelity. He refers to her as an “evil bitch.” We’re meant to dislike her, because she’s interfering in a straight couple’s marriage, and she lets her hand linger a little too long on Cordy’s arm. So, when Spike cuts her head off with a serving tray, we’re supposed to be satisfied for a couple of reasons: 1) She’s an “evil bitch” who interferes and 2) She makes unwanted advances on straight girls. It’s kind of weak of the writers to use “gay” as shorthand for “creepy,” but there it is. Having an actress from The L Word play the part only drives this home.
Meanwhile, we get a long scene of Leviathan Customer Service driving lazily towards Indiana. I sincerely hope he’s tracking his miles for his expense report.
Dean and Sam head to the witches’ house and try to hex them, but fail pretty miserably. Spike and Cordy rough them up, while Dean and Sam try to talk them into giving their marriage another try. Interesting, since a couple of weeks ago, Dean made the case that anyone who killed humans has to die. The Joss Whedon guest stars this time around get a free pass, though. Must be because Buffy was on longer than Firefly. Luckily for Dean and Sam, they make up and share an awkward “we’ve known each other too long to be kissing” kind of kiss. Spike had a much better kiss with Captain Jack on Torchwood. You know, back when Torchwood was good.
Back at the hotel, Leviathan Customer Service finally arrives and starts killing the Winchesters. Unfortunately, he’s never watched the show before, so he doesn’t know that killing the Winchesters is impossible and/or only temporary. If he really wanted to kill them, he’d just put them on a Joss Whedon show on Fox and wait. Spike shows up just in time to zap LCS into submission. Then, instead of asking Spike how he did it, and if he’d mind doing it a bunch more times, they just shrug and say goodbye. They don’t like sharing the spotlight, apparently.
After they load the body into the trunk, Sam decides it’s a good time to get Dean to share his feelings, with predictable results. How do you tell your brother you killed his mostly defenseless childhood crush, but let a couple of lesbian-killing Charmed rejects off the hook? Maybe Hallmark has a card for that.
NEXT WEEK: Eliza Dushku guest stars as a mystical assassin who—oops—that episode has just been canceled. Don’t feel bad for Eliza. It’s the longest she’s had a show on the air.
Read all of FBOTU’s Supernatural season seven recaps here. They’re supernaturally delicious!