True Blood: Unplanned Parenthood

This week’s episode of True Blood, “Whatever I Am, You Made Me,” is all about having parenthood thrust upon you (whether or not any thrusting is actually involved), and the ramifications of being responsible for someone you didn’t really ask for. It’s also all about Goth Hoyt, but we’ll get to that in a minute.
First, in the Vampire Tara saga, she does some possum/star gazing in the woods, gets a better feel for her magical powers, then sets her sights on a stranded motorist. The motorist is my new favorite character on this show, and I hope she becomes a regular. First, she asks Tara for help changing a tire, so she obviously has no clue that Tara can barely open doors, let alone change tires. Second, she attempts to ward off an attack by professing her support for vampire rights. Lucky for her, Tara catches a glimpse of herself in feeding mode in the windshield and splits. I guess vamps can see their reflections, after all.
Later, Sam is taking out the trash, all alone, in the middle of the night, like an idiot. It’s like he’s never even watched this show. Just when you think a wolf in pajamas is going to appear and rip his throat out, Tara pops out of the bushes and shows her fangs. Sam fills her full of Tru Blood, then locks her in the walk-in. Hope he didn’t put her too close to the steaks. Steaks/stakes! Get it? Never mind. Let’s continue.
Sookie and Lafayette plot how to deal with a possibly brain-damaged Vampire Tara who knows Sookie killed Debbie. I love how self-centered Sookie is becoming. It’s like we’re getting Sookie, Lord of the Sith. Sam tells them he’s got Tara in the freezer, and he forgives Sookie for turning her, because he had similar thoughts about Tommy. I happened to be watching this episode with Long-Suffering Boyfriend Michael, so at this point, he asked me if I’m ever in a life-threatening situation, do I want to be turned into a vampire. I told him that even if I get a cold or a low-grade fever or even a splinter, I’d like to be turned into a vampire. So, I agree with Sam. Sometimes, you just do what you gotta do.
Tara wakes up and causes a ruckus. Lafayette, Sookie, Arlene, Sam and then Alcide all get involved. Sookie, getting craftier by the minute, tries to pretend nothing’s happened and that Tara just likes to hang out in freezers. Tara’s not having it, though, and tells Sookie off. Sookie had just assured Sherriff Andy that she knew nothing about Debbie’s murder in her kitchen, and she had just told Alcide that she knew nothing about Debbie’s body rotting in her backyard somewhere, probably in Gran’s flowerbed. Tara almost spills all to Alcide, but then Flashes the hell out of there to do some tanning before prom season.
Outside, Sookie tells Alcide she killed Debbie, because she was being a megabitch. Wow! I didn’t think that would happen so quickly. I thought for sure they would drag it out all season. Alcide wonders if she ever planned to tell him, or if she was just going to let him run around looking for Debbie. Sookie assures him that’s exactly what she was planning. Um, there is such a thing as too much honesty, Darth Sookie. Poor Alcide is still in shock, but that doesn’t stop Sookie from inquiring about what he’s going to do with this new information. Debbie’s parents and Sherriff Andy are all looking for Debbie, so whatcha gonna do, Alcide? Sookie kind of needs to know. He walks away and you can totally tell she just wants to faerie blast him. Believe me, honey, so do I.
In an obvious nod to my devotion to The Chronicles of Tara VS. Doors, the writers have her successfully smash in a door to gain access to the salon. My baby is all grown up now. Then, in an act of defiance, she doesn’t even put on the little safety goggles before cranking the tanning bed all the way up to the Jersey Shore setting. If you think that’s the end of Tara, think again. Pam can feel her little padawan sizzling in the fake sun, so I’m sure she’ll come to her rescue. After all, she knows a thing or two about being an unwanted child of a vampire. Read on.  
After a visit (and faerie blast of justice) from Sookie, Pam flashbacks to 1905 again to when Eric comes a-callin’ at her house of ill repute. She offers him his pick of her girls, but he doesn’t want a disease-ridden whore. He wants Pam. Well, Pam has a price. She wants Eric to rid her house of the blood-sucking vamps who are draining her girls. Yup, turns out Bill and Lorena are in town, and prostitutes are on the menu. They are the original San Francisco treat, after all. Eric tells them to get lost, then beds Pam. Pam cries tears of blood in her sleep, remembering the past. I do that, too. It freaks people out. Not as much as the night terrors and screaming, but let’s just say it doesn’t help.
There are more flashbacks to come, though. All Pam needs is a trigger. And as far as triggers go, you can’t do better than Goth Hoyt. Hoyt in guyliner and a sleeveless black number is just about the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. Pam warns him the Fangtasians will eat him alive, but that’s all Hoyt wants. And that’s all it takes to send Pam back into flashbackland. After her romp with Eric, Pam asks him to make her a vampire. She wants a new life, and who could blame her? Eric says no; it’s too big of a commitment. I agree. I can’t even commit to a shampoo, let alone another human being. So, Pam slashes her wrists and tells Eric to turn her or watch her die. Kids, please make sure your one-night stands are vampires before trying this at home.  
Speaking of Eric, he and Bill are both summoned to Salome’s bed, though sadly not at the same time. And yes, she’s that Salome. She uses her vagina to determine that the boys are not Sanguinistas (a phrase that makes me groan every time I hear it or type it). She assures Chris Meloni that the boys can be trusted. She also assures him that Rev. Steve Newlin can be trusted as their new mouthpiece. Steve really likes that title, by the way. Chris questions Salome about Eric and Bill and tells her Nora has confessed. I think it’s pretty clear Nora confessed to save Eric and Bill, but that doesn’t occur to anyone else. Chris then slowly strips, while subtly questioning Salome’s loyalty. It’s so weird to see him getting naked with a woman. Tragically, shirtless is all we get this time.
We get more of Andy’s butt, though, which is a viral sensation (in the internet sense). He and Holly compare loser resumes and decide to take their fold-out couch romp to the next level. Perhaps an inflatable mattress? Andy assures Holly that Facebook has taken down his nude pic. They’re good at that. They’re always deleting my nude pics. Damn you, Mark Zuckerberg. How the hell am I supposed to make friends if they can’t see my goods?

In more subplot news, Jason goes pickle shopping, which I choose to believe is foreshadowing for his eventual coming out. He runs into a former teacher, sexes her, then regrets it. I don’t know how many times someone you’ve slept with has announced that he deeply regrets every moment he’s spent with you, but I can assure you, IT AIN’T TOO DAMN FUN. Jason goes home, then gets a visit from Jessica. She’s on a high, because she’s been chasing the scent of a cute faerie boy. At least I assume he’s a faerie boy. Jason says, “I ain’t some mechanical bull you can come ride on when you feel like it.” Um, you were all last season, Jason. Remember impregnating all the werecats? Jess agrees to just hang out and talk. I hope he doesn’t deeply regret letting her stay.
In the least interesting subplot category, we have Arlene and Terry. Remember last week when Arlene told Terry to fix this whole Iraq/fire subplot or else? This week, she tells him that if he goes off to fix this whole Iraq/fire subplot, she won’t be here when he returns. Oh my god, someone please kill Arlene.
So, what did you think of this week’s episode? Does it make you think twice about becoming a parent? Buying pickles? Let us know in the comments below!