Um…where is Goth Hoyt? Last week’s episode essentially promised we’d be seeing more of Hoyt in his guyliner and tight sleeveless black tee and low self-esteem. Heck, I was ready to call up HBO and demand a Goth Hoyt spin-off called True Hoyt. Alas, there’s no Hoyt to be found in “We’ll Meet Again.” They should have just called it “We’ll Meet Again, Except Hoyt, So You Can Skip This One, If You Want.”
So, where were we? Tara is frying slowly in the tanning bed, demonstrating the least effective way to kill a vampire ever. Pam has plenty of time to run some errands before popping in and commanding Tara to stop being stupid. If it’s really that easy to knock some sense into Tara, they should have made her a vampire years ago.
Sookie is all over the place in this episode, so I kind of wish someone would command her to stop being stupid, too. Last week, her main concern was that Alcide or Tara might spill the beans about her killing spree. This week, however, she’s suddenly remorseful and wants to confess. Maybe she just realizes that she’s given up her vampire boyfriends, and just killed the wife of her werewolf boyfriend, basically alienating all the superpowered boyfriends who could protect her. She tells Lafayette they need to start telling the truth for once.
Lafayette speaks for all of Bon Temps and the world when he tells her that while she always manages to survive, there’s an impressive trail of bodies behind her. She’s the angel of death. That is some serious sh*t to lay on a person. I don’t know how many times people have told me the same thing. Hearing it never gets any easier, either.
Sookie goes to Jason and tries to turn herself in for Debbie’s murder. She tells him all the crap she’s done, including turning Tara into a vampire, and he’s understandably as horrified as we are. You’re a mess, Sookie. Luckily, Jessica overhears everything, so she pops into the police station to compel Andy to give up the investigation. Nicely done, Jess. What this situation needed was more lies.
Just ask Alcide. He tells Debbie’s parents that Marcus killed Debbie, then he killed Marcus to avenge her. He invites them to kill him, but they’re too overcome by grief and the realization that their daughter was a total skank.
Back in Authorityland, Eric and Bill are released and decide to track down the suspects in Russell’s escape. Only the two of them, Alcide and Pam knew where/how they disposed of him. So they head to Fangtasia, where Eric interrogates Pam, and Bill entertains Tara. Pam is wearing the tightest dress in the world, showing off a waist that would make Scarlett O’Hara jealous. Pam swears she would never betray Eric, but if he thinks so, he should just release her from his hold.
Tara tells Bill that everything bad that’s ever happened in the history of the world is Sookie’s fault, and there will always be some fool there to take a bullet for her. Bill doesn’t disagree. Eric interrupts and tells Bill that Pam in not the culprit. There’s a leak somewhere. Um…there were only four who knew about Russell, and they’ve eliminated three as suspects. Do the math, boys. Do the math.
Back at Authority HQ, a shirtless Chris Meloni and a suspicious-acting Salome watch some Nora torture porn. Chris tells Salome to get some names out of Nora, or they’ll make an example of her. So, Chris and Salome go harass Nora, who doesn’t really care anymore; she’s ready to die. They ask for names, and threaten to kill Bill and Eric if she doesn’t speak. I’m reminded of that scene in V, where Mike is forced to implicate Martin as a member of the Fifth Column. I was fully expecting Nora to out Salome as a double agent. Instead, she apparently gives up the childlike emperor on the council. I’m glad it wasn’t the megabitch from Texas. I kind of adore her. Chris stakes the kid and tells the others: “Let the joyous news be spread; the Sanguinists, at last, are dead!” No one’s buying it.
At the police station, the judge shows up and invites Andy and Jason to party with him. You can tell Jason is a little suspicious. Anytime anyone wants to party with him, it’s bad news. This time is no different, because the judge picks them up in a limo, which conveniently comes with a hot chicks room. Where do you even get a limo in Bon Temps? They probably have the prom at Merlotte’s, so who needs a limo? The hot chicks blindfold the boys and lead them into the same field the faerie boy disappeared to a couple of weeks ago. Sure enough, they emerge in a poorly designed “club” full of faeries and lascivious humans. I think they just re-dressed the Merlotte’s set. Andy’s faerie one-night stand from last season is there, too.
In addition to the hot chicks, there are also plenty of boytoys. Plus…choreography! That’s my favorite part, really, because I instantly imagined the hours of faerie dance rehearsals needed to pull that off. Who is the faerie dance captain? I want to meet him. He should have his own show, too. I’m calling HBO again. Jason runs into his cousin Hadley (remember her?) and learns he’s in a faerie safe house. She tells him they have to get Sookie away from the vamps, before they kill her like they did their parents. What?! Jason wants more details, which annoys the faerie bouncers, who faerie blast him and Andy back into the field.
All of this raises a few questions. Why doesn’t Jason have faerie powers? Has he just not tapped them yet? Does he have tasty faerie blood like Sookie? Are they not even really related?
At Merlotte’s, the shifter clique shows up to invite Sam to run with them, like the good ol’ days back in that one episode. Sam tentatively accepts, because they haven’t invited Luna. But when he shows up to join them, they’ve been shot in the head. Was it Luna? Martha? A wolf in pajamas with a gun?
Sookie listens in as all the extras in Merlotte’s condemn her for turning Tara into a vampire. I guess news travels fast when you only have that one set. What’s the big deal? Most of these people are probably pro-life, so why not extend it indefinitely? Lafayette is still pissed at Sookie’s wild mood swings, so he summons his inner diablo and curses Sookie’s car. Sookie then goes for a relaxing drive against a green screen, and her possessed car careens out of control. She bails before it crashes, though, so Lafayette is going to have to try harder next time. Sookie then does what any of us would after killing Debbie, turning Tara into a vampire and almost dying in a car crash: she goes home and raids Gran’s liquor cabinet.
Back at Fangtasia, Eric and Pam have another heart to heart. He tells her that sh*t is about to get real, and he doesn’t want her involved. He wants to make sure she lives to carry on his noble bloodline and continue to run a dive bar in Shreveport. Pam says she understands and accepts. Eric renounces his dominion over her and releases her. If he wanted to protect her, why didn’t he just command her to go away and stay away? This isn’t going to keep her out of trouble. Pam then wakes Tara up and offers her a skank, the breakfast of champions.
In the subplot everyone is fast-forwarding through, Terry and Patrick take a road trip and share a flashback. The soldiers take some pills and get drunk in a prayer tower. You know, typical Friday night stuff. When a local interrupts, they kill him, then come under fire from a sniper. They take out a sniper and a few more locals. It’s enough to make Terry snap. Back in the present, Terry and Patrick find a suspicious bunker somewhere and investigate. They find their old colleague and he’s armed and probably crazy. I was actually hoping they’d discover that the bunker belonged to Terry, and that he’s got some sort of split personality or demon that will eventually make him do a full frontal nude scene. Guess not.
At Sookie’s, she’s drunk and mangling “The Pina Colada” song. Lafayette finds Sookie’s car and calls to make sure she’s okay and assure her that he’ll do a better job of killing her next time. She doesn’t listen. Alcide shows up wearing Aqua Velva and tells Sookie she’s off the hook. He lied for her. What white trash floozy can resist Aqua Velva? (Not me!) Sookie inappropriately invites Alcide to celebrate with her. Really? “Hey, I just killed your wife, and this is crazy, but have a drink, and celebrate, maybe?” Sookie, you’re a mess, girl. I hope Bill is on his way to put a stop to this.
Unfortunately, Sookie keeps on plying Alcide with alcohol, which, honestly, any of us would do in the same situation. Although, I hope we’d have better alcohol on hand. Sookie laments being the popular girl that everyone hates, which makes me both like and hate her more. She starts kissing on Alcide, as Bill and Eric watch from outside. This would be way hotter if Bill and Eric started making out, too. Instead, they just hatch a plot to use Sookie as bait to catch Russell. That is a fantastic idea.
You know what else is a fantastic idea? True Hoyt.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Let us know in the comments section.