I was so looking forward to this episode, because last week’s cliffhanger set up a perfect opportunity for Alcide to turn into a wolf. And you know what that means? Alcide’s butt. So, I was somewhat alarmed when the parental warning came up and only promised “brief nudity.” True, that could still mean buttage, but not the sort of long, lingering shots I was hoping for.
Sure enough, “Hopeless” begins with Alcide’s disgruntled wolf friends chomping on his meaty and delicious calves, while Russell makes a play for Sookie’s faerie blood. Sook faerie blasts Russell, and you can tell he’d much rather be nibbling on Alcide. Eric wants to stake him, but Bill explains that it’s only the 7th episode, and they still have lots of time to kill before the finale. They might as well use him as a bargaining chip to save their own lives. I guess Bill’s not that concerned about Sookie anymore. Sorry, Sook. The Authority arrives just in time to deal with Russell and all the extras lying around in various states of “brief nudity.” This would have been the perfect time for the Authority cleaning crew from last week to make another appearance. I love those guys.
At Fangtasia, the Tara/Jessica fight continues, as New Wave Hoyt looks on, in a daze. Pam breaks up the fight and puts Tara in her place…again. She’s only been a vampire for, like, two days, and all she’s done is cause trouble. I suppose I was the same way, when I first came out.
Russell is chained and taken away. He tells Doctore that the Authority is just as stupid as the humans. Doctore looks like he’s about to argue, using Jason and Terry as examples, but he lets it go. However, when Russell claims there’s no Lilith, Doctore slaps him. I guess, in the vamp world, that’s like saying there’s no Cher. Alcide strolls in, putting his clothes on. Guess what, HBO? We don’t want to see Alcide putting his clothes on. That’s the complete opposite of what we want to see.
Eric and Bill are charged with glamoring Sookie and Alcide. Eric seductively heals Alcide, then tells him to protect Sookie with his life, but to keep his massive penis to himself. Bill tells Sookie to forget all about him and Eric and live a happy life, in the sun. Yeah, that sounds like something Sookie would do. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Sookie can’t be glamored, right? If so, that lends a certain amount of poignancy to Bill’s speech. As break-ups go, it’s lovely. I’d much prefer the soulful and dramatic eye-to-eye approach than the usual text messages I get.
Meanwhile, Luna and Sam are wheeled into the hospital, yelling and screaming and causing a lot of unnecessary drama. Emma runs to crazy Grandma Martha’s house. Martha lets her in, but warns her to stay off the furniture.
Back at Fangtasia, New Wave Hoyt tells Jess that he realizes she still loves him. Jess says it’s never going to happen. Hoyt offers to let her do anything she wants to him, anything she’s ever wanted to do to any human. I started making a list for Jessica, but she turns Hoyt down and tells him he’s not being himself. Oh my glob, Jessica. What is wrong with you?
A crying Sookie and a confused Alcide find themselves driving away from the asylum, while Bill and Eric are taken back to the Authority. Proving he’s not as nice as he seems, Doctore kills all the witnesses, even poor Doug.
Jason wakes up in another golden-hued dream, bathed in the light of his father and reminisces about life before all this crap started. Jason says he’s starting to feel good about himself again, and he promises to find the vamp who killed Ma and Pa Stackhouse.
Alcide wakes up in the pink-hued dream that is Sookie’s bedroom, still dazed and confused. He has flashbacks about their near-tryst and recoils when she tries to touch him. Sookie figures things out right away, for once, and gives Alcide his memories back. He storms out. I guess Sookie can’t be glamored, after all, which means she was crying about losing Bill (and Eric) forever.
Sam and Luna commiserate in the hospital and are unnecessarily mean to the staff. Emma and Martha show up and are also unnecessarily mean to the staff. Luna warns Martha to keep her paws off Emma. Martha makes her case, saying she just wants to be in Emma’s life, and Luna says okay, if she can keep her safe until they figure this sh*t out. What do you want to bet Grandma has a few pieces of Marcus in the freezer she wants to feed Emma. You’re so weird, Grandma.
At Merlotte’s, Arlene, Sookie and Holly commiserate about men. Jason shows up and tells Sookie about their parents. She doesn’t buy it, but gets distracted once Jason tells her about Hadley and the faerie night club in the field. Sookie wants to get her out of there, since she believes the faeries are just a bunch of extras with really bad makeup.
Speaking of bad extras, Alcide goes to confront the pack. He challenges JD to a fight for the crown, or whatever wolf kings wear. Instead of a fight, I hope it’s a dance-off!
At the Authority, Bill and Eric receive a warm welcome from the Council, and I’m beginning to believe that the whole Council is part of the Sanguinist movement. Salome goes off to torture/free Russell. Roman congratulates the boys and offers everyone a bottle of vintage blood. I can’t imagine blood ages very well. Roman quizzes Eric about his loyalty and leanings, and Eric is coy and claims neutrality. Luckily, Roman finds this amusing. Salome tries to sneak out to free Russell again, but Roman stops her, telling her that Russell is scheduled to be executed. Salome argues for sparing Russell, practically shouting her loyalty to the Sanguinists, but Roman says Russell dies tonight and that it’s highly unlikely any of this will backfire in his face. Salome goes off to retrieve Russell, as Roman shakes his fist at the heavens, shouting, “No comeuppance!”
Terry returns from his manly trip with Patrick and tells Arlene about the curse. She doesn’t believe him, so he gives her all the gory details. She thinks he’s off his meds, because apparently she’s never watched this show. Vampires, werewolves, faeries, ghosts and shifters? Fine. But curses? No way, that’s crazy talk. Terry stays strong and says Arlene and the kids will die if he stays. Though this sounds like the best reason for him to stick around, he leaves anyway.
In the faerie field, Sookie and Jason find the entrance to the faerie night club and cross over. They are immediately greeted by more faerie choreography, and I’m dying for at least one scene where a jealous back-up dancer throws beads on the dance floor. Sookie finds Hadley and tells her they’ve got to get out of there; the faeries aren’t what they seem.
Andy visits the gun shop owned by that guy from Raising Hope, while Sam lurks around in the background. Hope pulls a gun, and Sam shoots him with a crossbow that’s conveniently loaded and just lying around the store. One down.
In a dark alley, Hoyt has changed into leather gear and is getting mauled by some random guy. Except for the blood, this scene is a pretty good depiction of my 20s. The vamp is worried about Hoyt’s slowing heart, but Hoyt doesn’t care. He’s ready to die. Luckily (?), the Obama gang shows up, kills the vamp and kidnaps Hoyt. I hope this isn’t the end of Hoyt’s fabulous wardrobe choices.
Back at the faerie club, we’re treated to more choreography, so I’m guessing Alan Ball is dating the choreographer or the lead dancer (or both). Claude explains that they’re all refugees from the faerie realm, and they don’t make people eat glowing fruit anymore. Sookie asks about her parents, and Hadley and Claude tell Sookie the truth. They died because a vamp was looking for Sookie’s blood. Can someone please explain to me how Sookie somehow independently and magically has faerie blood, but none of her relatives, except Hadley, do? The leap in logic annoys Sookie, too, so she tries to faerie blast Claude, but is subdued by all the Claudettes.
At the Authority, Nora is praying for the episode to just end already, and so am I. Eric studies her, as Russell is dragged towards his execution. Salome tells Nora the execution is about to happen (*wink wink). Nora tells Eric all about “her” plan. Eric finally puts the pieces together.
Chris Meloni looks delicious in his polo-style shirt, muscles rippling, chest so taut and perky. Russell obviously thinks so, too, so he jumps on top of him and stakes him, though purely in the vampire sense. Bill tells Eric, “See? I told you it was too early in the season to kill Russell.”
But how can you kill Chris Meloni before he has the chance to do a nude scene?! It’s like they’ve forgotten why we watch this crazy show.
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