True Blood: Gods and Monsters

The latest episode of True Blood, “Everybody Wants to Rule the World,” is all about fanaticism, in one way or another. We start with the fruition of Bill’s plan from last week: the destruction of the Tru Blood factories. Frankly, it’s easier for me to believe vampires are real and drink fake blood than it is to believe a corporation built factories in the US.   

You know what else I can’t believe? The strange hair competition going on between Russell and Steve. They’re taking “the higher the hair, the closer to god” mantra very seriously. Gathered around a naked man, ready to feast in celebration of the destruction of the factory, Steve says a prayer. I hope he and Russell become the new power couple on this show once everyone else dies, maybe around season seven.

The Authority has initiated a lock down of the set, for some reason. I’m guessing it’s just too expensive to have Bill and Eric roaming around in a lot of exterior locations. I didn’t think I’d ever long for the versatility of Merlotte’s, and Eric must feel the same, since he makes a plan to get the hell out.

Lafayette and Sookie hang out in her bathroom and try to exorcise her vamp spirit problem. With only three episodes left, Lafayette points out it’s doubtful we’re going to see the new Big Bad until next season. Instead, they talk about Tara and catch the audience up on that particular loose plot thread. Suddenly, Lafayette gets a message from Gran and instructs Sookie to look under the bed for a clue that will send her on a life-threatening mission. See? Even Gran is getting tired of Sookie’s sh*t. Next week, she’ll have her deliver cookies to an active volcano. Sookie decides to pay ex-Sheriff Bud a visit to see what he knows about her dead parents. Surely, there can’t be a greater reason he keeps showing up this season. 

At the police station, Jessica tells Jason she feels really bad that Hoyt joined a hate group for a couple of episodes, and now he’s missing. Jason tells her not to worry her pretty little undead head, because Encyclopedia Stackhouse is on the case! Meanwhile, Hoyt’s lifeless body is being dragged around the backwoods of Bon Temps.

Apparently, it’s still Chinese restaurant night at Fangtasia, since Pam and Tara are still in drag. Tara wants to stockpile and ration their stock of Tru Blood, while Pam wants to keep serving it, to spare the human customers. She’s real classy like that. Tara puts together that whoever blew up the factory wants a bloodbath. Vampire Tara is a better detective than regular old Tara. In her infinite wisdom, Pam suggests they keep their heads down, their tits up and the Tru Blood flowing. Coincidentally, that’s the same advice my therapist gave me last week. 

In trying to understand the ramifications of the Tru Blood shortage, am I to believe that vamps came into existence at the same time Tru Blood did? No, that can’t be right, because all these vamps are hundreds or thousands of years old. So, where was the worldwide panic over drained and missing humans before this?

Eric tells Bill he’s getting real tired of this Authority plotline, but Bill continues to proclaim his devotion. Eric gives him his best “Bitch, please” look, but it has no effect. So, Eric reminds him of Sookie, then tells him they’re getting the hell out of there, and Bill’s going to help, whether he likes it or not.

Jason and Andy watch Sherlock, so they quickly (well, slowly) deduce that the Obama gang must have a leader, the Dragon, just like the KKK. They attempt to beat the info out of their redneck in captivity, but no luck. 

Meanwhile, Alcide finally makes an appearance, but quickly gets lost in a flashback. A group of adorable werewolf teens hold hands in the woods and get a lecture from Alcide’s dad, who’s clearly covered his gray hair with brown shoe polish. I forgive him, though, because I’ll likely be doing the same in about 10 years (or less). Teen Alcide is insanely hot, even with bear blood on his forehead. He devotes himself to Debbie and the Pack. We’ve all been there, Teen Alcide. I once devoted myself to a college professor with a ponytail and all-weather Birkenstocks. We all grow up, eventually. Adult Alcide keeps on trucking towards Jackson.

Sookie interviews Bud about her parents. He confirms the vamp story, then speaks for all of us when he reminds her that it’s technically her fault that Gran’s dead. She tries to force him to reveal more via her psychic powers, but then his mistress, Sweetie, appears and smacks her with a frying pan. Thank you, favorite new character! I love you!

Andy has a press conference, denying that Obama is responsible for the murders/chaos. He then tells Sam and Luna to clear out. So they take their clothes off and turn into flies. Shifters are gross.

Patrick ambushes Arlene at Merlotte’s and holds her hostage. So, if you’re playing True Blood bingo, that means Hoyt, Sookie, Arlene and everyone at the Authority are now being held captive. Yay! I win!

Sookie wakes up with Hoyt and the pigs, so we can assume Bud is involved with the Obama gang. Meanwhile, Andy and Jason continue their deducing. Jason starts blaming himself for everything that’s ever happened on the show, while Andy actually displays some detective skills and connects Bud to the Dragon (via his boots). Sam and Luna fly off, dashing my hopes that Jason might smack them with a flyswatter. 

Bud tells Sookie he’s protecting the innocent human victims of the supes. Bud’s mistress walks in with Obama backup and starts monologue-ing. Bud offers Sookie a ginger ale laced with oxycontin, which, coincidentally, is my favorite cocktail to drink while watching this show. Add a cherry to make it even more festive!

Jason and Andy storm Bud’s house, but it’s empty. Jason connects the dots and suggests they check out the pig farm. He and Andy are doing really well this episode. They should get a spin-off: CSI: Bon Temps.

Terry arrives at Merlotte’s and confronts Patrick. He proposes a fair fight, but Patrick says no, he’d rather just shoot him. Patrick is the smartest character on this show. Arlene, being a badass for once, stabs Patrick in the neck with a pencil, then gets the drop on him with the gun. Go Arlene!

Back at the Authority, we finally get to see Salome do some dancing. Tits up and everything. (Pam would be so proud.) Salome tells Bill that Lilith has chosen him to be her consort. If that’s the case, shouldn’t Bill be doing some dancing? We at least get to see a little ass, before he has a Sookie fantasy and bites Salome. Unfortunately, he also has a Lilith fantasy. Salome must have some freaky blood. I once drank a questionable bottle of tequila that I found under a bridge and had visions for days, so I know how Bill feels. 

Bud and Sweetie explain that they’re going to feed Hoyt and Sookie to the pigs. Someone’s been watching Hannibal! Just as they throw Sookie in, and Gran chuckles from the spirit world, one particularly handsome pig turns into naked Sam and starts fighting off the Obamas. It’s fascinating to think that the historic inauguration of America’s first African-American president would lead to a scene where a group of rednecks wearing Obama masks fight a naked guy in a pig pen. But, here we are.

Sam nakedly takes out the rednecks, and I’m wondering if he’s the only actor who signed a nudity agreement this season. Andy and the posse show up and save the day, killing Bud and rounding up the others. Luna chases down Sweetie and nakedly beats the crap out of her. She should have turned into a pterodactyl and carried her away. Jason cradles Hoyt, who doesn’t look so good, even out of his fangbanger makeup. Why doesn’t Jason call Jess to come and bleed on his wounds?

At Merlotte’s, Patrick’s feeling a little lightheaded, what with the pencil in his neck and all. Arlene cheers Terry on, but Patrick talks him out of it. The ghost lady shows up and cheers him on, too, so Terry finally puts a couple of slugs in poor, hot Patrick. Satisfied, Ifrit shows up, burns the evidence, and Terry is sure to be even more f**ked up than ever. But his hair looks good. So, you know, silver lining.

Things are getting chaotic at Fangtasia, and a new sheriff takes Eric’s throne and announces the Authority has lifted the ban on public feeding. He tosses Pam across the room. Oo, you are going to regret that one, big boy.

In denouement land, Andy tells Sookie Jason has taken Hoyt to the hospital. Sam tells Andy he’s a pretty good sheriff and should do more nude scenes. Luna tells Sam they should go get Emma from the kennel, now that everything’s fine and Emma is no longer in any danger at all. Oh, Luna. You must be new here.

Russell and Steve take a romantic moonlight walk to JD’s fancy pack leader inauguration in the barn. Russell feeds the wolves some blood, but Martha abstains, but in a really bitchy way, like when you accidentally invite a recovering alcoholic to a surprise wine tasting. Proving he can’t be outbitched, though, Russell takes Emma from Martha and gives her to Steve as a pet, which is my favorite plot twist to date. I hope he gets to keep her! 

Alcide goes to visit his father, who is mysteriously still alive, but has given up the shoe polish. Alcide tells him he lost the pack master election and has been abjured. Dad tells him he’s a daredevil, just like his old man. Does this mean we can expect a father/son team-up to take down JD and rescue Emma? Can Teen Alcide join them, too?

Claude and the Claudettes show up at Sookie’s, like they’re just on their way to the mall or something, and give her some faerie soup. Sookie says, “Don’t you guys have any plot information to share with me?” They tell her that vampires are taking over the world, but nothing—NOTHING—can stop the big faerie dance-off coming up, and with Claude’s brilliant choreography, they’re sure to win!

At the Authority, Eric knocks out Nora and tries to escape. Unfortunately, Bill shows up with Salome and the guards and puts a stop to it. You’re lucky you’re a vampire, Bill, because you SUCK.