True Blood: Blood Drunk Love

As “Sunset” begins, Bill is wandering around Authority HQ, hearing voices. I know I should pay attention, but I suddenly find myself distracted by the blue sofas. Have they always been blue? They really stand out in the middle of the industrial look of the rest of the furnishings. I really feel like they should be black, or at least red. Sorry, back to the show. A naked, bloody Lilith tells Bill she choo-choo-chooses him and he should drink all the blood. Bill says no and stomps away, dramatically…past the blue sofas.

Bill’s not the only one having visions. Nora is having Godric flashbacks. Could it be she’s shaking off the Lilith spell? Salome interrupts and catches Nora (and the audience) up on the plan: take over the world, drink its blood, don’t worry about sustaining or renewing any resources. Coincidentally, this is also the platform of the Republican party. As distracted as I was by the blue sofas, I’m suddenly even more bothered by Nora’s hair. She has a pretty drab hairdo for a centuries-old vampire, even a newly religious one. Do vampires really wear barrettes?

Jessica tries to sneak Bill’s cell phone to call and warn Jason that Russell and Steve are on the loose, but Bill says no. She brings up Sookie, but he launches into a speech about more Lilith crap. He tells her that Bon Temps is food, nothing more. Jess doesn’t believe that (and she’s eaten half of Bon Temps). She asks to turn Jason into a vampire and pours on the Lilith crap, but Bill sees through it. He orders the brute squad to take her straight to Bon Temps (by helicopter, not Sam’s credit card miles) and turn Jason into a vampire. Hopefully, Jason as a vampire will lead to a stricter code about who gets turned. Honestly, there should be an IQ requirement.

Eric paces his room, like a caged viking. Nora bursts in, confused and horny. They embrace and stare at each other for a while, before ripping their clothes off and doing the deed. This is how she announces that she’s no longer brainwashed, and it makes me want to use the same technique anytime I need to share information with others.

Jason and Sookie hang out at Cirque du Faerie, which is strangely deserted. Where are the dancers? They should be rehearsing! Sookie does that thing where she acts both worried and glib about the latest threat to her life. Jason assures her that even if she were sold to a vampire 300 years ago, he’ll protect her. They make plans to visit with a fae elder later, you know, after Jason goes to work and gets kidnapped/and or molested by Steve or turned into a vampire by Jessica. In a shocking move, Sookie stays at the club, where it’s safe.

The Authority welcomes the arrival of a US general, who tells them he’s in no mood for their vampire bullsh*t. He knows they bombed the Tru Blood factories, and he wants to talk to Roman. They explain that Chris Meloni was only contracted for half the season, and that they’re all crazy religious fanatics now, so he can either submit to their craziness or die. He tells them that humans own the day and have weapons of mass vampire destruction. U-S-A! U-S-A! See, sometimes our insanely reactionary military might comes in handy. Sadly, Eric snaps his neck before he can actually declare war on the vamps.

Jason arrives at home and is greeted by Jessica. She’s awfully chipper for someone who’s about to kill her best friend. Jess tries to signal Jason about the brute squad, but Jason doesn’t get it. And he was getting so good at detective work, too. She’s forced to bite him.

The Authority isn’t pleased with Eric’s impulsive neck-snapping. He and Nora offer to get the hell out of there and run for their lives, and, oh yeah, maybe try to fix things while they’re at it. Bill doesn’t trust them. He sends more goons to accompany them. Where did all these vampire extras come from?  

Jessica apologizes to Jason as they get buried by the brute squad. Jess gives the word, and Jason shoots the vamps with wooden bullets. Yay Jason! Jess warns him about Russell and Steve and tells him Sookie is in danger…again. Or still. She also tells him that she wasn’t lying when she said she’d like to spend eternity with him. Awwwww. Jason goes off to warn/lead everyone to Sookie. But who’s going to protect Jessica now?!

At Fangtasia, Pam explains to Tara that it’s a bad idea to kill vampire sheriffs. Tara wants the Authority and the Vatican to keep their hands off her body, and I don’t blame her. You can literally hear Pam’s eyes rolling, though, especially when Jessica shows up and asks for sanctuary. In return, she offers info about what Eric’s been up to all season.

Speaking of Eric, he and Nora drive through the industrial area of Burbank with a couple of security goons. Eric stakes them, and Nora renounces her Lilith faith…and her barrettes! Go Nora!

Apparently, shifters are trying to steal the title of dumbest supernatural beings from the werewolves. Sam and Luna shift from mice into naked human form to wander around the Authority. That’s not suspicious at all. Thankfully, vampires don’t have any sort of super senses to detect them, unless they do.

Morella takes Sookie to see the elder and warns her that she’s kind of a big, ol’ mess. Sure enough, Miss Elder dances onto stage and demands Sookie’s allegiance to Ke$ha. Oh lord. Sookie asks what she knows about Warlow and if he’s really going to be the big bad for next season. Before she can give Sookie any useful information, Jason bursts in with the news about Russell and Steve. Miss Elder is not pleased to hear about Russell. Jason tells Sookie that Eric and Bill have gone crazy, and no one is coming to save her this time. Of course, he doesn’t know about Eric and Nora and the barrettes.

Andy drops in at Merlotte’s for breakfast. Holly makes her kids apologize to Andy for posting his ass on the internet. Andy promises he will do right by Holly until she’s finally killed by some horrible supernatural beast. If this feels like a good time for someone or something to show up and ruin Andy’s promise, stay tuned. 

Alcide is back and he’s chopping wood, shirtless, in the front yard of the old trailer homestead. I’m assuming this means the trailer has a fireplace. Some wolf guy shows up to warn Alcide and his dad about the vampire attacks, and in the least intriguing plot development ever, we learn pops embezzled money from the pack. That would explain how he can afford a silver-plated fence surrounding his property.

Sookie gives her best Braveheart speech to rally the faeries to fight with her against Russell. Morella says no, but Miss Elder insists they help. Claude is none too pleased, mainly because getting killed by Russell is going to interfere with the faeries’ plans to audition for So You Think You Can Dance

Back at Merlotte’s (which has managed to stay open for a full day), Andy asks Arlene and Terry for relationship advice. Besides killing people together, Arlene recommends honesty and loyalty. On cue, Morella shows up to warn Andy about the coming war. Andy tries to brush her off, but she says he’s got her light inside of him (and vice versa), and refusing her will have consequences. I think we can assume more ass shots will be hitting the web. 

Jessica brings Pam and Tara up to speed on the craziness at the Authority. Councilor Rosalyn shows up and explains that Sheriff Russell Brand was her progeny. Oh, crap! Before Tara can confess, Pam steps up and takes the blame. I have to believe it’s because she hopes to find Eric and not because she’s suddenly developed a heart. The brute squad arrives and arrests her. At the same time, Rosalyn spies Jessica. You better run, Jessica!

Bill continues having naked Lilith visions, and I’m starting to worry that I might be having them, too. Why couldn’t Lilith have been a man? The full frontal bloodbath would have been so much more enjoyable. It’s becoming clear that Bill is going to be the real big bad of this season. Can even Sookie’s love save him? If there were only some way to get her to Authority HQ.

Back at the trailer park, a group of baby vamps encounter the silver fence and move on to the neighbors. Alcide grabs his gun and goes after them. Dad tells him not to be a hero, so you know he’s going to pull a Han Solo and fly in at the last minute to save the day. Sure enough, dad shows up to help Alcide and proves that both still have what it takes to be pack masters, or something. I don’t care.

In other things I don’t care about, Sam and Luna find the holding cells, where a bunch of other naked people are hanging out, waiting to die. Emma’s there, too, but she’s a puppy again. If this show were funnier, she’d have been in a crate. Sam and Luna are caught and thrown in jail, until Sam volunteers to be Bill’s lunch. All right, this could be good. Remember Sam’s fantasy about Bill a couple of seasons back? Bill may not be hungry, though, because he plans to fill up on Lilith blood. In the blood room, he finds Doctore kneeling and weeping before the cabinet. Apparently, Lilith has been two-timing Bill, so he rips Doctore’s head off. God, Bill. Look at your life. Look at your choices.

Russell and Steve pay Jason a visit and get him to reveal everything he knows about Sookie and the faeries. He leads the way, which is the best place to put Jason, so Steve can look at his ass.

Rosalyn returns to HQ with Pam and Jessica. Apparently, she’s been dragging Jessica by the ear all the way from Shreveport. Seriously, if Southwest offered a direct flight from Bon Temps to New Orleans, they could be raking in some major cash this season. The brute squad leads Pam to a cell, and in a moment that reminds me why I keep watching this show, Pam and Sam pass each other in the hall. “What the f*ck are you doing here?” They ask each other, before Sam calls out, “Help Luna!” Then, in the best reply ever, Pam asks, “Who the f*ck is Luna?” This is perhaps the best scene in the history of the show.

Bill washes Doctore off his hands, then is paged over the Authority PA system, because sometimes vampires can hear people talking a mile away, and sometimes they can’t. It’s best not to question it. Jessica apologizes, but Bill is in no mood. Jessica stands up to him, and Bill tosses her across the room, earning my eternal rage and hatred. Who will stand up to Bill?

Of course! Lilith shows up again and tells Salome that she’s the chosen one, too. Oh, this might be getting good. Now, Salome and Bill can fight over the blood. I doubt Rosalyn stands a chance, but I have a feeling she’ll survive, either way. She seems like she’d be a good choice to head the Authority when all this is said and done.  

Jason takes Russell and Steve to the faerie field, and I realize this is all part of the Plan. They knew this would happen, and Jason’s just playing his part. If Russell had been smart, he would have asked Jason, “Are you leading us to the faeries as part of some bigger plan?” Maybe next time. The vamps flit about, trying to find the faeries, while the faeries look on from their hiding place. Sookie wants to go fight, but Miss Elder has a change of heart and says no. She goes out to face Russell alone and blasts poor Steve and Jason across the field.

Okay, before this goes any further, I think I’d care more about this character if she hadn’t just been introduced to us in this episode. She’s had “doomed” written on her forehead since she showed up. Sure enough, Russell drains her pretty quickly, which grants him the ability to see into the faerie club. These faeries need to get their act together. They should call on the spirits of the queens from the Stonewall riots for help in defending their bar from illegal raids. 

I’m counting on Sookie to summon every ounce of her faerie mojo and put an end to Russell once and for all. As a bonus, she should put Steve down the disposal like she did with Russell’s last boyfriend. Or, maybe the faerie blast will give Jason new powers. Then he and Sookie can team up and deliver a He-Man/She-Ra beating to Russell, which is fitting, since Jason used to wear He-Man pajamas. More likely, Sookie will offer to go to Authority HQ with Russell in order to spare the lives of the faeries. That will ensure almost everyone is in one place for the finale. Maybe Tara will ask Lafayette to help her rescue Pam. Better get moving, kids. It’s a long drive to New Orleans, and Decadence is only days away. You’ll never find a hotel. 

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