True Blood: Blood and Nuts

Another season of True Blood comes to a bloody, gooey close. If you take a moment and look through the puddles of guts and gore, naked bodies and loose plot threads, you’ll find that Season 5 really did have a message. Fanaticism, whether it’s of the religious kind, the military kind or the political kind, ruins everything for the rest of us. Pam sums things up nicely, as she always does, and says that for as long as she’s lived, it’s always the same old story. Fanatics. Only this time, it’s the vampires drinking the Flavor-Aid (or Lilith blood, as the case may be).

The finale begins where we left off last week. Russell has his eyes (and appetite) set on the faerie dance troupe. Sookie and the Princesses of Power blast Russell with all their faerie mojo, and you can tell Sookie’s powers are flickering. I was really hoping we’d see her get recharged or find some way to unlock the next level of power this season. You know, like Sailor Moon. Russell seems to be enjoying the attention, that is, until he’s knocked backwards into Eric’s arms (and stake). Honestly, I did not see that coming. I thought for sure that Sookie would offer herself to Russell to save the faerie kids. Eric enjoys his revenge, while poor Steve looks on, horrified and gasping. He runs off, living to fight another day. But how is Sookie going to get to Authority HQ now?

Eric’s sister Nora (free of her brainwashing and barrettes) thinks Sookie smells yummo, and I’m left wondering why the vamps can suddenly smell faeries so well this season. Eric forbids Nora from feeding on her and thanks Sookie for being so faerie-tastic all the time. Sookie revives Jason, but he’s developed a new power of his own: he sees dead people. Namely, Ma and Pa Stackhouse, who are kind of bitchy, truth be told.

Back at Authority HQ, the blood is still whispering to Bill, the same way a pack of Oreos talks to me. The vamp brute squad brings in a naked Sam for Bill’s lunch. Bill looks him over, mouth watering, but passes, because he’s a filthy shifter, after all. He’s also seen too much, which is ironic, since he’s the naked one in the room. Sam shifts into a fly and escapes, while Bill chases and swats at him, like a big ol’ bloodthirsty pussycat.

Eric and Nora drop in on Fangtasia, and Tara gives them the bad news: Pam is gone. Despite Nora’s protests, Eric plans an assault on the Authority. I love when a plan comes together.

Sookie wants to take Jason to a hospital, but Jason’s too distracted by visions of his dead parents to comply. Eric, Nora and Tara show up to convince Sookie to join their crusade. He plays the Bill card, and Sookie agrees. Aw, she still loves him, that crazy kid. Jason says he’s going, too. Yay! They just need to pick up Lafayette and Andy from Merlotte’s and Miss Piggy from Paris, and the whole gang will be back together.

Bill gives another stupid Lilith speech to the brute squad, and I so don’t care anymore. He sends them off to look for Sam, and Salome looks worried. Bill confesses he killed Doctore, and that he’s the chosen one. Bill tells Salome she’s chosen, too. Good move, Bill. Keep your enemies close and your John the Baptist beheading girlfriends closer. I think that’s in the Bible. I’m not sure, since my hands burst into flames whenever I try to touch one.

In the holding cells (or pantry, I guess), we see masses of crying, naked people, which reminds me of a few of my lost weekends in the 90s. If you recall, last week I begged the writers to put Emma in a crate. Thankfully, they read my recap, ran back into production and shot a new scene, just for me. Thank you, True Blood! I realize now that it’s less traumatic to expose a puppy to a bunch of crying, naked people than a 9-year-old. Of course, I grew up in the 80s, where children were exposed to crying, naked people all the time. But that was another era. Naked Sam stops by the detention center and tells Luna that Bill is cray-cray and they need to get out and leave Emma behind. This is brilliant advice, and Luna promises to give it some thought.

In another part of the jail, Jessica tells Pam that Bill is cray cray. Eric, too. Pam doesn’t buy it. Not Eric, she says. In case you haven’t noticed, Pam has the tiniest waist in the entire world. I wish there was an episode where Pam just tries on clothes. I would watch that sh*t on a loop.

Back in the trailer park, Alcide and his dad flirt over a dead animal. Gross. Put on some leather gear, boys, and go to the Eagle, like the rest of us. Dad gives a speech about parenthood and the general unfairness of life. Then, on cue, Martha shows up with Rikki, Alcide’s former sparring partner. Yes, she has a name, and apparently, it’s Rikki. She’s having a bad reaction to V. The symptoms include making really bad acting choices. Alcide throws her over his shoulder and takes her into the trailer. It’s like a redneck werewolf version of Gone With the Wind.

Jason gathers weapons and ammo and tells Sookie that once they’re inside the Authority, anything with fangs is fair game. Sookie tells him that killing their friends and a bunch of vamps won’t bring their parents back. But their parents are already back, and they’re encouraging Jason to kill some vampires. Ugh, parents, am I right? Jason says he’s ready and willing to…Kill Bill. I hope he grabs a sword and puts on a bright yellow bodysuit. 

Alcide and his dad try to sweat the V out of Rikki-Tikki-Tacky. While she’s detoxing, she asks Alcide where he’s been the past few episodes. He explains he’s been on the press junket for Magic Mike and hasn’t had time for all this True Blood bullsh*t. She says the pack members were forced to drink low-quality vampire blood that JD bought on sale at Sam’s Club. Alcide’s dad offers him a vial of primo vamp blood, so he can fight JD and take back control of the pack. Cue Donny Osmond singing, “I’ll make a man out of you.” 

Back at Merlotte’s, Lafayette, Arlene and Holly throw back a few margaritas at the Season 5 wrap party. Lafayette toasts: “To surviving another season!” Not so fast, kids. Morella and Andy arrive, so he can break up with Holly. I guess Morella doesn’t know Russell is dead and faerie dance rehearsals are back on. Andy tells Holly what’s going on, and Holly is not surprised, which makes her my new favorite character. Just when you think things can’t get any kookier, Morella downs a container of salt and goes into labor.

Bill and Salome enjoy some religious communion, if you know what I mean, while Sookie and Jason (and their dead parents) zoom towards New Orleans. In a car. Weird. Jason and Sookie talk about their love lives, and Jason has a moment of clarity about loving unavailable men and women (e.g., dead ones). Sookie tries to remain positive, but Jason is ready to give up and just expect the worst. Sookie accuses him of having a rushed end-of-season character change, but he refuses to listen to reason. Luckily, Eric shows up, on top of the car, and tells them to pull over. Oh, Goofy Eric. Where have you been all season?

Back at Merlotte’s, Holly acts as midwife for Morella, which is a lot to ask your girlfriend to do for the fearie you knocked up. Meanwhile, the rest of the cast (and, I’m assuming, some sort of contest winner I’ve never seen before) looks on, sipping margaritas. Morella is really getting into it, and goes for a high C, which turns into an E. Them bam! Four baby girls are born! Morella tells Andy to take care of them and leaves. Spin-off for Andy! Woohoo! Could one of the baby girls replace Sookie as a sacrifice for Merlot? I mean, Werlow?

Luna shifts into Steve and liberates Emma. The Authority receptionist asks him why he’s all of a sudden acting like a female shifter pretending to be a gay, male, Southern vampire minister. Fair question. Luna tries to talk her/his way out of it, but before she/he can escape, Rosalyn shows up and starts yelling about the dead frat boys. They’re still mad about that?!

Alcide and his dad skulk around the pack’s campfire. (Do these people ever have a party indoors? Maybe go wine tasting?) In addition to drinking the really good vampire blood, Alcide chooses his cutest v-neck, sleeveless black tee for the fight. Obviously, he means business. He starts pounding on JD, while Martha and dad hold everyone off. Alcide rips JD’s head off, and everyone bows, just like the beginning of The Lion King and the end of Mulan. He tells the pack to cut this sh*t out. No more nihilism. The werewolves all look around to see if anyone knows what “nihilism” means. Alcide tells them it’s his way or the highway. Papa nods his approval.

Eric and Nora pull the old Star Wars trick and haul Sookie, Jason and Tara into the Authority as fake prisoners. Bill watches via surveillance camera, as Sookie looks right into the camera and makes her best faerie-in-peril face.

Rosalyn forces Luna/Steve to do a live broadcast via satellite with the news. She/he starts puking up blood and shifting back into Nora, live on TV. Then, in a moment straight out of the original V miniseries, Nora tells the world about the Authority, and Rosalyn goes apoplectic. Just in time, Sam flies into her mouth and shifts, blowing her up from the inside! No! Rosalyn! No! I wanted her to live and be a bitch forever. Sam is naked and covered in blood, which is such a  disturbing image, they would never try to use the exact same visual setpiece a few minutes later and expect the same visceral reaction from the audience. Or would they? Actually, Luna doesn’t look so good, either. I guess Sam and Andy are going to be single parents together. With Lafayette as their Manny, it could be a new take on Full House

Salome goes for the Lilith blood, wearing a mauve off-the-shoulder number straight out of Pamela Sue Martin’s Dynasty wardrobe in the 80s. Somehow, I don’t see Bill letting her have the blood. 

Eric, Nora and the gang prepare their assault and jam the cameras and communications, because apparently they know how to do that. Jason blows the chatty receptionist away, as well as a bunch of vamp extras. Eric and Nora hover and fly around, which is a special effect always reserved for finales, and kill the rest of the goons. That was easy. They should have done that earlier in the season. Tara and Sookie head to the detention level to free Jessica and Pam. Pam actually looks impressed. Or angry. Hard to tell. 

Eric and Nora work on disabling the security system, while Jason continues to shoot vamps. Tara frees Pam, and they share a nice, long kiss. Jessica says, “I knew it!” Welcome back, lesbian Tara.  

Bill strolls into Salome’s room for a chat. Apparently, they haven’t noticed the gun shots, the alarms and the power outage. Salome says she’s sorry Bill’s not the chosen one, but those are the breaks. Bill tries to talk her out of it and warns her that being the chosen one might not suit her. Salome scoffs at the idea. She wants total power and fruit punch mouth, and no one is going to stand in her way or switch the blood with poison. D’oh!

Sookie and the gang escape the trash compactor and find Jason. Jessica tells him she loves him, but he says no f**king way. Harsh much? Eric and Nora turn off the tractor beam and rejoin them. Eric sends everyone topside, while he and Sookie stay behind to save Bill. Pam speaks for everyone, when she says, “You can’t be serious.” Jason is also less than pleased to leave his sister behind.

Salome barfs a little, as Bill gloats and calls her names. He laced some fake Lilith blood with silver and kept the real stuff for himself. Bill stakes her slowly, which is creepy, and we say goodbye to another Authority jerk. Bill’s all that’s left now. Eric and Sookie burst in. Eric tells him that Lilith is a hot mess, and Bill needs to get rid of that blood. Bill calls Sookie an abomination, and she tries to bring him back from the brink by reminding him about her precious faerie vagina. Bill starts monologue-ing about his crappy life, which is never a good sign.

Sookie pleads with him, but Bill drinks the Lilith juice, anyway, and immediately starts bleeding out. Then explodes! Sookie falls into Eric’s loving arms. Hurrah! But wait! There’s more! The blood starts pooling and reconstituting into a naked Bill! Yes! Naked Bill the Vampire God!

There’s just one thing left to say: run!

So, what did you think of Season 5? Share your thoughts and feelings in the comments section below.

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