It all started innocently enough. Kill a little time, read a little Green Lantern. At first, I scoffed at the color wars and the introduction of all the other Lanterns of various hues. I mean, associating qualities and personalities to colors is pretty arbitrary. Blue could just as easily have stood for frigid and depressed as mellow and peaceful. Still, I read on and soon met the goofiest character with the goofiest name in comics history: Larfleeze. You know comic creators are running out of ideas when you get to Larfleeze. I have to imagine it was the last slip of paper in the name jar at DC Comics. If you have no idea who I’m talking about, Larfleeze is a cross between Greta Garbo (he just wants to be left alone) and a warthog (with a face only Mama Larfleeze could love). Hal Jordan keeps saying he looks like Gonzo from the Muppets, but I think he looks more like Uncle Deadly:
So, for the past several weeks, I’ve been taking shots at Larfleeze and the whole Green Lantern craziness, never realizing DC’s insidious plan was about to take hold. I was enjoying a little bag of sliced apples the other day. Perhaps you’ve seen them at the grocery store. They’re intended for kids’ lunches, because, I assume, kids shouldn’t use knives to cut their own apples and can’t bite into them, because kids are always missing their front teeth. As an adult, I love the little bags of apple slices, because, frankly, I’m just lazy. Anyway, as I was enjoying my apple slices, I couldn’t help commenting out loud, “An apple a day keeps Larfleeze away.” WTF?! Where did that come from? I dismissed the slip of the tongue and tried to forget about it. But I couldn’t. As fast as Larfleeze devoured the Green Lanterns, he devoured my train of thought. Suddenly, I was rewriting song lyrics in my head:
Well you came and you took without thanking
Then they sent you away
For a solid hour during my morning commute, all I could think about was ridiculous, repugnant Larfleeze. (“I pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of Larfleeze.”) Then it got worse:
He walked up to me and he asked me to dance
I asked him his name and in a bright orange voice, he said
I have since added such nonsensical phrases as “Another day, another Larfleeze!” and “What would Larfleeze do?” to my verbal repertoire. Needless to say, I’m terrified of opening my mouth in meetings now, for fear I’ll say something like, “Let’s not put the cart before the Larfleeze here, Bob.” It’s becoming somewhat unbearable, and I realize now the sheer power and might of the Orange Lanterns. They get into your head and take over your mind, until all your thoughts and words and actions belong to them. It’s like “A Total Eclipse of the Larfleeze.” Aigh! See? My only hope is to pass this madness on to you. With the color wars in high gear, and the Blackest Night epic event just around the corner, it’s going to be a long day’s journey into Larfleeze this summer.
Say it loud, and there’s music playing
Say it soft, and it’s almost like praying
I’ll never stop saying
Kill me. Kill me now.