My Gums Are Bleeding Just Thinking About It

I adore Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. He’s charming and funny and smart. Plus, the superhero body doesn’t hurt. However, this billboard has been erected directly across from the FBOTU compound, and I need it to go away.

Whenever I open my window or go for a walk or wake up from a drunken stupor, that is what I see. Like I said, I adore Dwayne, but everything about this idea just grates on my soul. However, since I am highly susceptible to marketing, I went online and looked up the trailer. By all appearances, Tooth Fairy is a delightful family film that teaches an important lesson about believing in your dreams. I mean, it’s got Julie F**king Andrews. Seems like a perfect film for the holiday season. But wait, it’s being released on January 22. That’s not even on the only holiday weekend in January!

Now, I’ve lived in LA LA Land long enough to know that January is the cinematic graveyard month, when bad movies are dumped and quickly forgotten. I don’t know any filmmakers or actors who exclaim, “Yes! We’re getting a January release!” So, my only hope is that the movie tanks so stupendously that The Rock himself will come demolish this monstrosity the day after the movie opens. But if he agrees to wear his little blue fairy tights from the movie, I will forgive all.

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