FBOTU’s Weekly Comics Load: With Extra Syrup


Just when you think comics can’t get any weirder, they do! This week is chock full of misleading covers, surreal storylines and weird superhero sex stuff. So, you know, your usual, run-of-the-mill Comics Load. Be sure to share your own reading list, thoughts and observations in the comments section of over yonder in ye olde Comics Forum!

Brian‘s Load image

image Astonishing X-Men: Xenogenesis #3
How does Emma Frost manage to keep her girlish figure while chomping down on a stack of pancakes? Maybe that precarious balancing act forces her to engage her core as she cops a squat on her hunky boyfriend’s back. Miss Emma is looking disproportionally fierce feasting on the dripping, syrupy goodness on the cover – which has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the story. I mean, really, pancakes aren’t even mentioned in the book. Nor is Emma’s enjoyment of them. Also, just how long did it take Emma to grow out her long, flowing Malibu Barbie hair? Was she auditioning for the lead in Disney’s new Rapunzel movie? If so, Emma, girl, you didn’t get the part; time to move on and cut that freakish mane. Also, did anyone notice that’s there’s not one, not two, but FOUR freakin’ splash pages in this comic alone? Methinks the artist was under the deadline gun and needed to bust out the book.
image Valkyrie #1
I flipped and flipped and flipped through the pages of this comic and never once did I come across Tom Cruise, Hitler, nor anything remotely Nazi related. WTF! What kind of film adaptation is this…oh, wait, oh, ok, this isn’t based on that little seen, would-be-blockbuster-movie-that-tanked starring Tommy Boy. It’s actually a special spotlight issue on that Marvel Heroine, Norse-y Asgardian chick. Well once I figured that mess out I can say that the story ain’t half bad, but the art is, how do put this nicely, a little stiff. Usually, I love things that are stiff, but in this instance, not so much; which is sad because Phil Winslade is the artist responsible for that gorgeous Elseworlds graphic novel Amazonian from a few years back featuring DC’s Wonder Woman. And I mean GORG-eous art! Seriously, try to find yourself a copy, it’s pretty amazing. So either Winslade is phoning this issue in or has artistically fallen and can’t get up. Either way, please note, Tom Cruise does not make an appearance.
image X-Men vs. Vampires #1
This mildly amusing mutant-fied anthology has one good thing going for it: Dazzler vs. 70s era disco vampires! Like, OMG! It’s a dream come true! This is such a horror-loving, camp-craving, comic-book-nerd-reading, gay man’s geeky wet dream that I think I might just explode. It has all my favorite things: Dazzler using her laser-light powers, Dazzler riding a badass hog, a jive-talking afro-sporting vamp, disco leisure suits, a mirror ball of death and carefully coifed, perfectly-layered hair. Seeing as how my partner of 10 years is a hairstylist, I’m more than sensitive to how important a good haircut is and, in most cases, how much more important a super-great blow-out/style is. Thankfully, our mutant songbird Dazz sure knows how to primp and do herself up right before she hunts vampires – something I’m sure she gleaned from the master vampire slayer herself, the beloved Buffster. Now, why doesn’t Dazzler have own series again, one where she fights mutant monster menaces? Missed opportunity, Marvel! Missed opportunity.

Chance‘s Load image

image Batman: Detective Comics #869
I know I’ve asked this question before, but why, oh why, does anyone live in Gotham? It’s a war zone 100% of the time, populated by criminals and lunatics. If you live in Gotham and a scary-ass “philanthropist” who wears a porcelain half-mask to hide his disfigurement hosts a free carnival based on a medieval orgy of violence, for the love of god, don’t go! You know what? Let them go. Dick needs to grab Tim and get the hell out of Dodge. Use some of that Wayne money to buy a yacht, pick up some hunky models and travel the world. Let Alfred deal with stupid, stupid Gotham for a while.
image Gotham City Sirens #16
I feel kind of sorry for Talia al Ghul. She has money, power and a creepy father, but the poor girl lacks any distinctive features. Whatever comic she shows up in, the writers have to tell us who she is. It’s not like she wears a top hat like Zatanna or her hair in pigtails like Harley. So when she shows up, a nondescript, but clearly attractive woman in the corner, someone always has to point out, “Look, it’s Talia al Ghul!” This time, she shows up looking like Scarlett Johansson from Iron Man 2, which I naturally found curious, because a). that’s a Marvel title and 2.) Scarlett is not stupid enough to go to Gotham. So, I’m thinking Talia needs her own distinctive costume or hairstyle, so we can dispense with the awkward introductions every time. I’m thinking a black, leather bustier and a Snuggie, worn backwards, like a robe. I would never mistake her for an extra again.
image Green Arrow #4
Here we have the fourth issue in a row of Ollie just sort of hanging out in the forest. He seems to be turning into the Lorax from Dr. Seuss: “I’m Green Arrow! And I speak for the trees!” Last month, he got a sympathy f**k from Galahad, another homeless guy living in the enchanted forest, which was cool. But even he seemed to get bored and probably went on a Starbucks run. Next month is sure to bring even more arboreal adventures, and maybe a guest appearance by the Ewoks! Stay tuned!
image Teen Titans #87
Let’s ponder the sex lives of the Teen Titans, shall we? I don’t blame Raven for not wanting to have sex with Gar. What if he turned into a gerbil or something during the act? She would be totally justified in killing him. Do you think Conner made a list of sexual acts that Lex Luthor and Superman would do, and now he’s crossing them off one by one? Do you think Cyborg is rocking a metal c**k? Is that why he’s always in a bad mood? As for this issue, let me sum up: they may have killed the monster thing, or maybe Static barfed him up on the floor. Not entirely sure.
image Wonder Woman #603
It’s kind of weird that J Michael Straczynski used to write for Thor, and Thor just had a big story arc about going to hell and fighting off the soul-eating Keres. And now JMS is writing for Wonder Woman, and this issue features her trip to hell to fight with the Keres. Now, JMS didn’t write Thor’s Keres storyline, and when you’re writing for mythological characters, maybe there are only so many characters to go around. Still, I couldn’t help feeling a little bit of déjà vu here. Plus, I’m having a hard time getting a feel for Diana’s character. She’s serious and stoic, then out of nowhere, she’ll say something that’s kind of sarcastic and lame. It just feels like sometimes JMS remembers that this is supposed to be a new, edgy Wonder Woman, so he’ll throw in some crazy line. It’s disconcerting. Next month, I hope Wonder Woman goes to Asgard for some hot girl-on-girl action with Sif. Or Lady Loki. Or both!

That’s it for this week, kids! Happy reading!

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