As the bickering between A-Team members Bill, Eric, Pam, Jessica and special guest star Jason devolved into a few of them saying, repeatedly “F**king Sookie,” I had to laugh. And agree with them. In this, the penultimate episode of the season, I realized two things. 1.) F**king Sookie was wearing a f**king cute outfit and 2.) when people are either actually f**king Sookie, thinking about f**king Sookie, or Sookie is just f**king there, bad things happen. Remember when dear ol’ Sook was gone for a year? What happened? That’s right—pretty much nothing. Oh sure, stuff happened, but nothing really bad (with the exception of Lafayette’s misguided hairdo choices). Life just sort of…continued, and continued without any supernatural sh*t going on. Now, the one thing I distinctly remember from my college statistics class (which I barely passed because it required actual adding and subtracting) is that correlation does not mean causality. But, c’mon. Nothing happened for a year and then Sookie reappears, and all hell breaks loose? You don’t have to be good at math to put two and two together (which, according to my fingers, equals four). Aside from being, as Pam so eloquently calls her, a “Gash in a sundress,” the girl’s a walking hellmouth.
“Just the tip, I promise.”
As Andy makes his way home through the woods, a miracle happens: he doesn’t run into anyone from Bon Temps, Shreveport, a pack, a backwoods meth lab, Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin, or any of the other millions who regularly frequent the woods. He does, however, see some glowing lights. Is it Glinda? Nope, it’s another faerie, and this one’s got the hots for our dear ol’ V addict. After calling him fit and handsome (she’s clearly into the daddy look), she makes him swear to protect her (this, class, is called foreshadowing). She lights up her finger, E.T.-like, and they touch pointers as he vows to protect her, and we begin writing our own E.T./Elliot slash fiction. After they do it in the woods (again, nobody sees this), he returns home to find a worried Arlene. Seeing Arlene making herself at home in chateau Bellefleur was a lot like watching Lucy Ewing tromp around South Fork. You know she’s family, but you also know that Miss Ellie wants her to use a coaster. And in the “Loose Thread” department, Andy’s cousin and grandmother have completely disappeared, so don’t bother looking for them. Arlene and Andy have a good old-fashioned Southern talk about what’s real—family, friends and the like. They’ll probably talk more about this next season with Sally Field and Olympia Dukakis after Shelby’s funeral.
Back at Pep Boys, Alcide and Sam continue to terrorize the one guy from Mary Kay’s pit crew who had to work late. Maybe he didn’t pay his union dues, but do they care that it’s Labor Day weekend? Nope! Somewhere, a bald eagle cries as he punches his time card. Luna shows up all upset because Mary Kay took Emma out of school, and now she doesn’t know where she is. This makes Sam and Alcide put on their very angry eyes. There’s a lot of macho posing and flexing going on, until Luna’s cell phone rings. It’s Emma, and though she doesn’t know where she is, they check the caller ID and discover that she’s calling from Alcide’s house. Relieved and confused, they make their way over there to confront Mary Kay. Now this would have been a perfect moment for Sam and Luna to Wonder Twin their way over there. Form of an eagle! Shape of an ice eagle (you know what I mean), but nooo. They drove. Either 1.) the producers used up their FX budget (more on that later) or 2.) they couldn’t figure out where to put Alcide. Ummm…I know exactly where to put Alcide.
“I’m lookin’ for a dream on a mean machine, with hell in his eyes!”
So, while all this is going on, Debbie and Mary Kay are having a heart-to-heart about their future together. The thought that Debbie would even have to contemplate choosing Mary Kay over Alcide completely supports my long-standing argument that Debbie is a f**king moron. Anyway, remember how Luna proves she’s a good mother by answering the door holding a dish towel? Mary Kay’s a bad father because he sends his daughter downstairs to color while he screws a werewolf off camera. And because he’s a bad father, you have to assume that he didn’t pack any crayons, which also makes him a terrible father.
That awkward moment you realize your shifter boyfriend probably just killed your werewolf ex-husband.
Alcide, Sam and Luna show up. Luna tends to Emma, who doesn’t seem all that bothered by anything, while Alcide and Sam go up to the bedroom. But it’s not what you think. (Or what I hoped.) As Debbie hilariously says something along the lines of “Alcide, what are you doing home so early?” Sam and Mary Kay start fighting and, in the process, destroy most of the furniture. Alcide’s upset with Debbie for cheating on him, but I have a feeling his anger really stems from the knowledge that all that damage means he’s never going to get his security deposit back. Sam stops short of killing Mary Kay, but Alcide finishes him off (not that way). Now he’s really upset. Sure, Alcide will assist in murder, but he doesn’t like to get his hands dirty. It’s really Debbie’s fault, he decides, and then sort of were-divorces her by telling her that he won’t hunt or eat meat with her. Um, Alcide? I’m a vegetarian, but I’ll eat meat with you. (Call me??!)
We learn that F**king Sookie, Tara, Jesus, Lafayette and Holly were not zapped into some other realm (which would have been cool), but inside Moon Goddess. Lemme get this straight: if you hit the thing that’s barring you from entering you’re zapped…inside. Oh. Ok. Bill, who suffers from some malady compelling him to speak only in short expository sentences restates the obvious goals of the vampire mission. Pam wants them to hurry up because she has a mani-pedi scheduled for 4. Now, you know I want my Pammy looking her bestest at all times, but wouldn’t a vampire’s nails either never break or vampiricly regenerate to the way they were when she became a vampire? Whatever, I’ll overlook it as long as Pam’s happy.
It takes at least three blondes to outwit a brunette. Do the math, girls.
Two blondes don’t make a right.
Tia Petunia magically stabs some girl who probably just got her SAG card by saying one line on the show. Everyone’s really upset with her about that, especially Antonia, who decides she’s done with the whole necromancing thing. Not so fast, senora! Marnie casts a binding spell on Antonia, which not only forces her back down her throat, but also erases all traces of each and every accent she’s used before. She now sounds like a background player on Hee Haw. Holly and F**king Sookie decide to talk to Tia Petunia. This scene is basically transcribed from that episode of Oprah where she and Suze confront the Octomom. She’s a good person, she’s made bad choices, she was a doormat, and now likes it when people fear her, she has the power to end it all.
“YOU get a new accent and YOU get a new accent and YOU get a new accent!”
Jesus reports that the extra’s not dead, and Tia Petunia agrees to let him help her. He’s lying. The new union member (Happy Labor Day weekend!) is dead. He needs her blood to cast a spell to separate Marnie from Antonia, so he and Lafayette go into the back room (but not that kind of back room) to get to work.
Jason tells the vamps that F**king Sookie is inside. Suddenly, they’re attacked by the possessed vampires, and Bill stakes one into a pile of goo, while Pam snatches another’s vintage Cartier necklace (smart girl). Tia Petunia then emerges with F**king Sookie. She explains that the forcefield is made of pure sunlight and therefore deadly to vampires. Bill tests this by frying the remaining possessed vamp to an extra crispy golden brown. Bill’s upset, probably because he wasn’t the one to explain what was going on, and then Pam gets upset when Eric and Bill agree to kill themselves in exchange for F**king Sookie’s safety. I think the camera and sound guys were upset, too, because Bill’s voice didn’t really match up with his mouth in the long shot focused on Eric. While those technicians get a scolding, Pam gets a bazooka and fires. ‘Atta girl, make that manicurist earn her five bucks.
She should have done this 11 episodes ago.
Jesus tells Lafayette that he may show him a very dark part of himself. (Insert your own anatomy joke here.) Jesus starts to cut himself (just so he can feel something other than the eyes of HBO subscribers waiting for some resolution) and then begins to fellate his own bloody finger. Didn’t Sissy Spacek do this same thing in Carrie?
Um…I guess that’s one way to take a guy’s pulse.
Missile go BOOM! And Jason’s turned into Two-Face and starts sucking on more of Jessica’s blood to feel better.
Tia Petunia’s bent over the blood puddle on the floor, which apparently is doing double duty as Dumbledor’s pensieve. She sees the present, which we’ve just seen (and, again, Bill’s probably pissed he’s not showing it) and the future, where she sees herself with a bullet hole in her head (this, too, is called foreshadowing). She’s officially freaked out now and asks everyone to join hands, presumably for a rousing rendition of “That’s What Friends Are For.” Nobody moves. See, Tia Petunia? Nobody likes a bully!
In the back room, Lafayette ties Jesus’s hands with a scarf and pours some of the potion on his wounds. These boys really need a safe word.
Back to Just Inside:
The group joins hands and start chanting, which leads to…
All the vampires start walking like the background dancers from “Thriller” toward the forcefield. It’s clear that Marnie’s voice coach doubled as choreographer.
Sookie goes all faerie on their asses and blasts the circle apart.
The forcefield breaks and Jessica declares she’s sick of this necromancing sh*t. We concur, and Bill and Eric make their way to…
Tia Petunia’s super-pissed now and encircles F**king Sookie in really bad CGI fire.
Jesus starts talking like Christian Bale as Batman and casts a spell that frees Antonia from Marnie’s lower intestines.
F**king Sookie tells Bill that Marnie’s the bad one, and all the others are innocent. Now he’s pissed, because it’s been, like, 20 minutes since he’s the one who’s explained anything. So pissed, in fact, that he shoots Marnie in the head.
Exhausting, right? Well, everyone’s tired, honey, even Jesus and Lafayette who, hours later, get into bed to recount the day’s events. I’m sure they talk about something, but to be honest, I’m so distracted by the godawful headboard and leopard blanket/pillow ensemble, that the only thing I notice is Marnie hovering above the bed and coming in Lafayette’s mouth. Probably nothing that bed ain’t seen before. I’m spent.
Those pillow shams are why gays can’t get married.
Robb Pearlman is the author of the Spoiler Alert: Bruce Willis is Dead and 399 More Endings from Movies, TV, Books, and Life, coming this November, as well as The Q Guide to Sex and the City and upcoming adaptations of Alice in Wonderland and Winnie the Pooh. He is an editor of pop culture and entertainment titles, including the upcoming The Joker and The Syfy Book of SciFi. Robb is known by name in comic book stores in such wide ranging locales as New York, Gotham City, Brigadoon and Alderaan. An only child in constant need of validation, he promises to accept your Facebook friend request.
Read all of Robb’s True Blood recaps here.