Remember when Rebekah informed Elena that, contrary to popular belief, not everything is about her? The look on Elena’s face said it all: “Hello, it’s called The Elena Diaries!” I’ve been an Elena fan from way back, because, while she’s frequently the archetypal damsel in distress, she’s also brave, compassionate, loyal and always insists on negotiating the distress on her own terms. Is it possible, though, that her doppelganger status, along with being the object of affection for two hot vamp brothers, has given her an inflated ego?
In many ways, Elena has become as much a puppet master as Klaus. (See how she disposed of Jeremy.) So, when things start spiraling out of her control, she gets a little miffed. In fact, this whole episode, called “All My Children,” succeeds in underlining the fact that Elena may not be in as much control as she thinks (or desires).
First up, after dismissing Damon‘s confession of love last week, she begins this episode by calling him up and chastising him for not taking her calls all night. When he hangs up on her to snuggle with Rebekah, she heads over to his place to do her chastising in person. After she berates Damon for sleeping with the vampira who tried to kill her a couple of days ago, Damon proves he’s been balls deep in Rebekah-land, by telling Elena, “Maybe, for once, something I did had nothing to do with you.” Elena really doesn’t like hearing that, so she tells him that Esther is going to kill all her kids, including his new blonde codpiece. Damon’s like, “Win-win,” which pisses Elena off even more. Stefan shows up and agrees with his brother. Nothing is more important than killing Klaus, not even Elena’s second thoughts. Nice try, vamp bros, but there’s only one thing Elena can do when backed into a corner, and that’s unravel a whole season’s worth of anti-Klaus plans.
Rebuffed by the Salvatore boys, Elena seeks out sympathy from Bonnie, who is having none of it. She and her deadbeat mom are going to help Esther with her full-moon, Originals-killing ritual. Again, Elena is none too pleased that she’s lost control of the situation. So, when Elijah shows up and invites her for a long walk in the deep woods, Elena goes along and finally confesses the true intent of Esther’s plans. Though Elena thinks this puts her back in control of the sitch, she’s still wrong. Elijah imprisons her in the caves, with Rebekah as guard, and uses her as a bargaining chip with Damon and Stefan. Either they stop the ritual, or Elena dies.
The boys enlist Caroline to distract Klaus while Alaric daggers Kol down at the Grille. Meanwhile, Rebekah tells Elena she still can’t believe she’s the star of the show. The witches perform the exposition part of the spell and explain that once the Originals are turned back into humans, they can be killed. That’s where Finn comes in. Since, they’re all connected, Finn will sacrifice himself, and the others will fall.
Because this is The Vampire Diaries (sorry, Elena), and the best-laid plans o’ vamps an’ men (doppel)gang aft agley, things don’t exactly work out as they’d hoped. Klaus undaggers Col and sends Alaric home with Psycho Woman to nurse his wounds. Rebekah douses Elena with gasoline (or Damon’s semen, I’m not sure) and threatens to set her on fire. The only thing Stef and Damon can do to stop Esther’s ritual is eliminate one or both of the Bennett witches.
Just when I think Stefan is about to free up Kat Graham’s schedule to star in Honey 3, Damon uses the vampire loophole and turns Abby into a vamp. Esther and Finn disappear, and the Originals are free to continue wrecking havoc in Mystic Falls. Elena, for her part, seems thrilled to be the center of attention again. She tries to go to Bonnie to gloat about her triumph over Rebekah, but Bonnie’s in no mood for Elena’s ego bullsh*t right now, since everything bad that’s ever happened to anyone ever is because of Elena. Secretly, this pleases Elena, I’m sure.
Back at the Salvatore frat house, Damon outs Stefan as being on the blood wagon. We also learn that Stefan was supposed to turn Abby, not Damon. At this point, it’s getting harder and harder to root for either of these guys. It’s like asking, “Which serial killer should I be sleeping with?” If those are your choices, maybe you need to take a long, hard look at your life.
Elijah, meanwhile, is doing just that and realizes that maybe Esther is right, maybe being blood-sucking monsters isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Rebekah unleashes her most powerful pout at this, then drops some seriously bad arboreal news on Klaus. There…is…another…white oak tree. (And she filmed it on her awesome EVO 4G phone!)
You know Elena is just off-screen, tapping her foot, because none of these final, shocking moments involve her. Sorry, El. We have one more scene without you before we can wrap this up. Alaric wakes up in the middle of the night, but instead of going to the bathroom, getting some water or buying stuff on QVC, he starts snooping through Psycho Woman’s files, which are conveniently all over the place. Each photo, weapon and spreadsheet is clearly marked “Evidence I’m a Psycho Woman,” but Alaric looks perplexed. That is, until Psycho Woman pulls a gun on him.
Sorry, Alaric. Guess you should have been out trying to save Elena.