True Blood: Gay Vampire American Pride

Welcome to Season Five of HBO’s hit vampire dramedy True Blood. This show has become synonymous with summer, so put on your bikini, pop open a frosty bottle of Tru Blood and soak in the deadly rays of Bon Temps’ early November sun. Do you all remember what happened last season? Personally, I had to watch last season’s finale today to remind myself just how loopy this show is. Remember poor dead Marnie (aka Aunt Petunia)? Remember poor dead Jesus? Remember poor dead Nan? Remember poor dead Tara? Remember Lafayette‘s frohawk? That’s a lot of death and questionable hair choices for one season. Will it all be resolved in tonight’s episode? Let’s find out!

Warning: Spoilers ahead!

“Turn! Turn! Turn!” carries on the tradition of naming episodes after songs, and Eric carries on my tradition of hiring hot, Nordic-looking housekeepers at the FBOTU compound. He cleans up Nan’s goo at super vampire speed while Bill leaves a message for Jessica. He calmly explains that he’s going out of town and that she can use the mansion. By “out of town,” he means “running for our undead lives,” because the Authority wants Bill and Eric dead.

Meanwhile at Sookie’s, we get a quick repeat of last season’s finale, where Debbie blows a hole in Tara’s head and Sookie blows a matching hole in Debbie’s head. I know I give Tara a hard time because her acting is so…how do I put this nicely…one-dimensional and unconvincing to the point of hilarity. But I have to confess that as a corpse, she’s never given a better performance. Just as Sookie and Lafayette are dealing with yet another massacre in Sookie’s kitchen, Pam arrives looking for Eric. This doesn’t exactly ring true, because I thought vampires had better tracking skills than that. Pam senses this, too, figures out the writers are setting her up and tries to leave. But Lafayette and Sookie convince her to stay and turn Tara into a vampire. Run, Pam! Run!

Remember the scene in last year’s finale, where Jason opens his door, completely naked, expecting Jessica, and a newly vamped Reverend Steve is there instead, looking at Jason like he’s a big ol’ steak, medium rare? Well, the Reverend tries to convince Jason he’s just a naive young vampire alone in the world, but even Jason is smart enough not to invite the guy in. So, the Reverend just glamours him. There’s something about the Reverend here that feels a little…extra predatory? Maybe it’s the purple cardigan and matching plaid shirt.

If you recall, Sam and Alcide had an altercation with pack leader Marcus, and Alcide killed him. Well, now the pack is looking for Marcus, and they’ve followed the scent to Sam. Sam doesn’t have time to play with the doggies, so he turns into a bird and flies away. That’s a relief. I’m sure that’s the end of that.

Back at Sookie’s, Pam gets buried with Tara, but Sookie questions Pam’s commitment to Sparkle Motion. Pam snaps, “I’m wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for you all. If that’s not a demonstration of team spirit, I don’t know what is.” Well said, Pam. I don’t know what’s worse: Sookie murdering Debbie or making Pam wear that awful outfit. (It’s the outfit. The outfit is worse.)

Naked Sam shows up at Luna‘s house, and because this is Bon Temps, neither she nor her daughter find this unusual. Luna tells Sam to just tell the werewolves that Alcide killed Marcus, but Sam’s too noble for that. Right on cue, the naked werewoman shows up again and threatens Luna and the kid, so Sam gives her a false confession to protect everybody (except himself). He agrees to go nakedly and peacefully. God, if I had a nickel for every time I made a false confession while standing naked on someone’s porch in the middle of the night, I’d have enough money to hire someone else to watch this show.

Back at Jason’s, Reverend Steve does the most sensible thing all night and puts tape over Jason’s mouth. Unfortunately, he also covers him with a blanket, so we don’t get to see the goods. Season Five and still no dick shot. I give up. The good Reverend then begins his monologue and says he was jealous of his wife sleeping with Jason. He tells Jason, “I’m a gay vampire American.” Happy pride month, everybody!

Since Jason is basically a nice guy, and since this has happened to him countless times before, he makes a good attempt at letting Steve down easy. But poor Steve is not only a new vampire, he’s a new gay, so he hasn’t learned to deal with rejection by blonde twinks yet. Obviously, this calls for some chomping on Jason’s neck, but Jessica arrives just in time to save him and make a lifelong enemy of Steve. I feel your pain, Steve. If you’d like some insight into uncomfortable love triangles with straight couples, perhaps you’d like to read my college journal.

Meanwhile, Eric and Bill have been picked up by the Authority and thrown in a trunk. They have no choice but to cuddle up and think of a plan. I know, let’s blow up the car! It’s a great trick, and I might have to use it the next time I’m tied up in someone’s trunk, which happens more than I care to admit. In the wreckage, the boys are saved, surprisingly, by one of their captors, Nora, whom Eric greets with a long, passionate, boner-inducing kiss. Bill looks jealous, and I don’t blame him. That is, until Eric reveals who the mystery woman is. “It’s my sister, actually.” Is this Game of Thrones?

Back at Sookie’s, she does what she’s best at, which is removing dead bodies from her kitchen. Lafayette wonders why she doesn’t just call the police. It was self defense, after all. Plus, she’s a white girl, and her brother’s a police officer. She’ll probably get the key to the city. She then explains that it wasn’t exactly self defense, because she made the decision to pull the trigger. Still, you could lie, Sookie. Let someone else dispose of a body for once. Or could it be that Miss Stackhouse is developing a little taste for blood…and drama?

Turns out Eric’s sister is related by maker only. If so, then where the hell was she when Godric was fried on a rooftop? She tells the boys they must disappear tomorrow forever and can never see Sookie again or come to her aid or taste her blood or make sweet, sweet love to her fairy vagina or endure her horrible wardrobe of gingham sundresses…ever again.

Speaking of Sookie, she and Lafayette remember that there’s still another body they have to deal with, so they go off to dismember and bury Jesus. Sookie offers to do the dirty work (again, I think she enjoys it), but Lafayette says no. It’s his boyfriend, after all. He reasons that Jesus deserves more than being wrapped up in a shower curtain. Awww. See? Gays can love, too. They go in together, but there’s no Jesus. And Lafayette is getting pretty f**king tired of Sookie trying to be comforting. Sookie goes to wait in the car, while Lafayette tries to summon Jesus. This is usually when Jesus appears in a shadowy corner of the room, but no dice this time.

Remember Holly the Wiccan waitress? Her kids come home early from fishing and find mom in bed with Sheriff Andy. And…we get to see Andy’s ass! I didn’t even know I wanted to see it until I did. Now I’m glad I did. Wade and Rocky are none too pleased. Wade…or Rocky…says, “On the couch, Mama? Where I sleep?” It’s meant as a laugh line, but it makes me sad, and I can’t help imagining Holly, Wade, Rocky and Andy discussing all of this on Jerry Springer. Andy does the gentlemanly thing and hightails it out of there, and I’m reminded why I never spend the night on a foldout couch after going home with a Wiccan waitress with kids. Too complicated.

Oo, remember at the end of last season when a fellow vet of Terry‘s showed up, and they shared that masculine hug? But then Ghost Rene warned Arlene that the past was coming back to haunt Terry and she better run? Well, she didn’t. Instead, she’s having breakfast with Patrick, the kids and a seriously pissed off Terry. Somehow, Arlene’s kids have aged a couple of years since yesterday. Of course, kids mature faster in the South. I think it’s the heat. (Sophia: It’s the gin!) Terry’s not dealing with breakfast too well and snaps at the kids and Arlene. Then, when Arlene mentions the fire…Terry twitches and his friend gives him a meaningful look, and I think, “What fire?” Oh right! The fire that they thought was started by the ghost. Got it. So, go ahead and bring on crazy Terry. And make him take his pants off.

Meanwhile, Sookie puts up a new shower curtain. She probably buys them in bulk at Costco. Sookie showers and has flashbacks of when she was a lonely kid with an adult voice and had no one but Tara to protect her. She then gazes out lovingly at the shallow grave where she dumped her best friend, and the mound gazes back. It’s unintentionally hilarious, but the mound of dirt is acting circles around Tara, so I can’t complain. Then Lafayette takes a bath and spies Sookie’s Lady Schick razor. Oh no. Don’t do it, Lafayette! Plus, ew. Don’t commit suicide with Sookie’s cheap, plastic razor.

Finally, Alcide shows up, but he has his clothes on for some reason. Sookie goes to get lemonade (and, I assume, condoms) and steps on a tooth in the kitchen. Is it Debbie’s? Tara’s? Maybe Gran’s? Or it could be left over from when Maryann was making body part soup? Anyway, there’s been a lot of death in that kitchen. Alcide tells Sookie that Russell is back. Say what? That can’t be, because that would mean the vampires lied to Sookie. D’oh!

At Merlotte’s, Andy and Jason lament that True Blood can only afford one restaurant set, which is crazy, because HBO has so much money. Judge Clemens approaches and asks Andy to clear his son of a traffic charge. Andy says okay, which tickles the judge’s “hang lows.” Is he hitting on Andy? Has everyone turned gay? Is this Glee? The judge then pays Andy for his shady services. Jason approaches Hoyt, but gets rejected, so maybe things haven’t gone completely gay yet. Hoyt’s friends call Jason a “girlfriend f**ker,” which I’m guessing is a slur of some kind in the straight community.

Back at Sookie’s, Alcide tells her that Russell wants her blood, so she should come stay with him. Oldest line in the book, Alcide. It’s never worked for me but, then again, I don’t look like Alcide. Sookie says Al won’t want her to stay with him when he knows the horrible truth about what she did last night to his… Just in time, a very alive and freshly shorn Lafayette runs in and stops her. He used Sookie’s razor to get rid of his frohawk! Praise Jebus! He and Alcide do some growling and posturing, but essentially Lafayette tells him that he and Sook are through with supernatural folk. I wonder if Tara can hear that from the hole in the backyard? Sookie backs him up and Alcide leaves, with his clothes still on, which is just crazy. The boy has a stripper movie to promote. Let him get naked!

Meanwhile, the wolves are torturing Sam. They want to know where Marcus’s body is for some reason. I’d check Sookie’s backyard. Marcus’s mother, big bad Martha, shows up and explains that they need his body back to perform a ritual. Martha says no harm will come to Luna or the kid if he takes them to the body. I thought that was the same deal he got last night from the naked chick. These werewolves aren’t very good at this.

In the shipping crate, Eric is pounding his sister while Bill listens. Poor Bill. The sibling sodomy is interrupted by a call from Alcide. Oh crap. Now the boys have to go back and save f**king Sookie. Did not see that coming. 

Back at the vamp mansion, Jessica is having a party. Where did she get friends? Did she glamour them? No. They know she’s a vampire, and they want her to join their sorority. Plus, she’s either dyed a lock of her hair, or she’s got those crazy feather extensions everyone was wearing last year. Of course, in Bon Temps, it’s still last year. Actually, I think it’s just been like 18 months since the series started back in 2008. So, she might actually be ahead of the trend on this one. Jason crashes the party, but Jess tells him that when she’s not saving him from gay vampires, they really are just friends with benefits.

Back at Merlotte’s, the only dining establishment in Bon Temps, Patrick tells Terry that everyone in their company has had suspicious fires. All because of that time they did that thing in Iraq. Patrick wants Terry to help him, but Terry says no. So, some sh*t went down in Iraq? Of course, this was before the end of DADT, so maybe they’re covering up a gay scandal or love affair.

At Sookie’s, Sook and Lafayette hang out by the grave, waiting for Tara to rise. At the same time, the werewolves dig up Marcus’s grave. Just as they’re about to throw Sam in, Alcide and Luna show up. For some reason, Alcide is still wearing clothes. He confesses to the murder of Marcus, then sh*t gets real, y’all. Apparently, this makes him the pack leader. But not everyone’s convinced. Instead, Martha and her friends turn into wolves and start eating Marcus! I guess that’s the ritual they mentioned before. Because of this, I’ve decided to bring back the phrase “grody to the max,” and I’m somewhat embarrassed I didn’t use it for the brother/sister shenanigans above. Too many years of Wincest fan fiction, I guess.

Some friends of Nora’s bring new papers and identities to Eric and Bill, so they can join the vampire witness relocation program. Yeah, right. Like they would ever leave Sookie in danger. But before they can pretend to leave town, the Authority arrives and kills everyone and surrounds the boys and Nora. At this point, I was really hoping Chris Meloni would arrive and take his clothes off. No such luck.

Still graveside, Sookie waits for Tara to rise and sends Lafayette to get some snacks, because why be hungry? Pam emerges first, looking resplendent in her Wal-Mart ensemble. But no Tara. Sookie begins digging, which feels like a terrible idea. Then, just when you think she’s gone for good…guess what? She gets her vamp on and rises from the grave. Pretty aggressively, too. I’m left wondering if Tara is still a lesbian. That seems like years ago, though in Bon Temps time, it’s been two days. I wonder if Pam’s blood makes her a super lesbian now. I hope so. I would definitely cheer for Tara, the Super Lesbian.

What did y’all think of the premiere? Did it meet expectations? What did you think of Reverend Steve? Jessica’s hair? Lafayette’s new look? There’s much to discuss. Let us know what you’re thinking in the comments section.

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