When last we left our merry band of fangs and fangbangers, Tara had just emerged from the ground, ready to pounce on poor, not-so-innocent Sookie. I’d be a little worried, if I were Sookie. Tara doesn’t look so great. Trust me, I know that look. That’s the same look I have when someone happens to wake me up after a weekend-long bender, and I’ve been known to bite. As much as I’d like to draw some parallel between what’s happening to Tara and some metaphor about friends changing and growing apart…I got nothing. Sometimes, you get your brains blown out, and your friends make a deal with a vampire to bring you back. Sucks to be you.
Pam commands Tara not to bite Sookie and Lafayette and then confines her to the house. If last season was all about Tara’s attempts to believably open a door, this season is definite proof of character development, as she takes on a whole house. Go, Tara!
Since this episode is called “Authority Always Wins,” it’s safe to assume we’re finally going to see some Authority action. Bill, Eric and Nora are trotted off to the Authority in chains, and Nora gets an especially chilly reception from some vampire ice queen. Then, just when I think the Authority is going to be some empty sound stage/warehouse, the prisoners find themselves in a pretty posh office building, where vampires toil day and night doing vampire paperwork and making vampire PowerPoint presentations. The trio gets tossed in the office jail. If you’ve ever been a temp in corporate America, you know that’s where they stick you to do data entry or stuff envelopes all day.
Meanwhile, at the grossest family picnic ever, the wolf pack is chowing down on Marcus, who can’t be that fresh by now. And like any good mother, Martha urges Alcide to have a little something before he leaves. He declines, and as a vegetarian, I know exactly how he feels. Nothing will make you want a salad faster than seeing a rotting carcus ripped apart. For some reason, Sam and Luna are still there. Finally, Luna realizes this, grabs Sam and leaves before dessert is served. Smart girl.
Back at Sookie’s, Tara is on a rampage, trashing the kitchen. I swear, every time Sookie cleans that kitchen, something or someone comes along and destroys it. Just like Martha did with Alcide, Sookie and Lafayette try to get Tara to eat something. “Have some Tru Blood. I always keep it on hand for guests.”
At Fangtasia, Pam returns and puts on some lipstick in preparation for her flashback. Picture it: San Francisco, 1905. Pam is a prostitute. Or maybe she’s a madame. Not sure. Anyway, she goes to check on one of her girls and finds her bloody and dead. Some things never change. Back in the present, she tries to call Eric, but he’s busy being a prisoner of the Authority. He, Bill and Nora get comfy in their cells. Bill tries to sweet talk a release for Eric and Nora, but the Authority doesn’t go for it. Instead, they turn on the UV rays and give the captives a healthy orange Jersey Shore glow.
Martha, the freaky-ass mother wolf, shows up at Luna’s and wants to see her granddaughter, claiming blood is blood. Luna doesn’t want Emma anywhere near those crazies, and who could blame her? Sam, for some reason, tries to convince her to consider the family connection, and Luna says the most sensible thing ever and tells Sam to forget it. “You either have my back or get the f**k out.” Sam calls her a psycho and leaves. I’m not sure where Sam is coming from here. He fed his own family to gators, right? So why the sudden family ties? Shortly thereafter, Emma turns into an adorable wolf puppy, wearing pajamas. You can tell Luna is thinking, “Oh, great. Now I’m going to have to pay a pediatrician and a vet.”
Back at Sookie’s, Tara is still rampaging, and I secretly hope that she does this all season. She could always be in the background, trashing the set. The sun is coming up soon, though, so they have to get her underground. They trap her, silver her and put her in Eric’s cubby. Sookie is getting pretty good at taking people down.
You know what this show needs? More subplots. Andy confesses his sexual escapades with Holly and her couch to Jason, and Jason recommends he keep things casual. They check out an abandoned car. It’s Debbie’s. Oops. Sookie should have buried the car. I’m sure her fingerprints are all over it, too. Andy finds a vial of V and pockets it, before having second thoughts and giving it to Jason.
Speaking of giving it to Jason, Rev. Steve Newlin is on the talk show circuit, claiming Jesus loves vampires. No word on whether he loves gay vampires.
At Merlotte’s, we get more Terry flashbacks. He accidentally attacks Arlene, then freaks the f**k out. Despite my crush on him and his perfectly feathered hair, I have to draw the line at physical abuse. Arlene, girl, you need to break up with him. Or give him one more chance. I don’t really care about these people.
Back at Sookie’s, Lafayette doesn’t like my idea of letting Tara rampage all season and wants to stake her. Sometimes, dead is better, after all. Sookie stops him and says they just need to give her time…and a copy of An Actor Prepares.
At the police station, Jason watches Rev. Steve on TV. When the reporter asks him if there’s anyone special in his life, he mentions a “she.” Is it just me, or did Jason look a little disappointed? Andy tells the deputy to let the judge’s son off the hook. Yay! More subplots. Suddenly, an extra bursts into the station and smacks Jason for sleeping with his mom and busting up the family. Jason confesses he’s probably slept with every woman in town. Does that mean he’s ready to move on to the men? I’m not entirely sure that’s how bisexuality works, but I’ll take it.
Back in Pam’s flashback, she wanders the foggy streets of Universal’s London/San Francisco backlot alone. So, of course she gets jumped and almost knifed. Luckily, Eric arrives, looking very dapper in top hat and tux, and severs the guy’s jugular. Like a true gentleman, he pays for her bloody dress, then runs away. Pam is overly familiar with blood and death, it seems.
At the Authority, a faux-friendly interrogator tortures Bill and asks him questions about the bible, which is exactly how I remember church. Apparently, the vamps have their own bible, and it predates the old and new testament. So, they’re like prequel Mormons. Turns out vamps were created first, in god’s image, so god is a vampire. Adam and Eve and all humans are just food. Bill swears he doesn’t believe in or follow the teachings of the sacred text, but he gets tortured anyway, because that’s what always happens anytime someone is threatened with torture on TV or in movies. Eric meets a similar fate, but he won’t turn on Bill. And Bill won’t turn on Eric, which is sweet. I’m totally shipping them now.
At Jessica‘s never-ending frat party, Rev. Steve shows up. There’s nothing better than a preacher-turned-vampire at a rave, let me tell you. I think I may adore him. Steve offers Jess $10,000 for Jason. In cash. Hot! She asks for $20,000, then teases him about how hard Jason’s body parts are. Negotiations break down, though, and a fight ensues. Jess says, “Hair-pulling? Really?” and tosses him out, along with the party. Steve taunts her about Bill’s questionable future as King. Pull her hair again, Steve!
Proving she has questionable decision-making skills, Arlene goes to see Patrick, alone, in his motel room. She tries to get info out of him about where this plot is going, but he keeps quiet. Terry shows up, and I’m grateful he doesn’t go into a rage and accuse Arlene of cheating on him. Instead, Arlene goes into a rage and warns them to fix this Iraq flashback mess or else.
At Sookie’s, Tara wakes up and says she will never forgive Sookie or Lafayette for turning her into a vampire. She then decides to take on another door and gets misted with silver in the process. If you’re keeping score, that’s Door: 2; Tara: 0.
Back at the Authority, everyone is rounded up, and Chris Meloni performs a communion ceremony with the blood of Lilith. It’s just like regular communion, only without the stale wafers and cheap wine. Chris lectures Bill and Eric on the power of the Authority, and asks them if they’re part of the anti-mainstreaming faction. The boys say no, and the council debates their fate. Any threat to mainstreaming is a threat to the vampires. They should put that on a t-shirt. I would totally buy it at Hot Topic. Before he can stake the boys, though, they offer Russell in exchange for their lives. How are they going to pull that off? They should have offered Sookie, instead. The bigger question here is why would you hire Chris Meloni, then not have him take his clothes off?
So, what did y’all think of this episode? The Authority? Vampire Tara? Let us know in the comments section below.