True Blood: Hoyt Says Relax

Before we begin our recap of “Let’s Boot and Rally,” this week’s charming new episode of True Blood, I should tell you that I’ve technically had a little to drink. Well, not drink, exactly. I had all this extra vodka lying around and decided I didn’t want it to spoil while I’m at Comic-Con. Plus, it’s been very hot lately, so I had a big container of melon balls in the fridge. You see where this is going, right? Yes. Vodka + melon balls + True Blood equals a festive evening. So, here we go.
Coincidentally, Sookie is also having a festive evening. She is just about to get some Alcide lovin’, when a.) she barfs on Alcide’s shoes and 2.) Eric and Bill show up. I can forgive the interruption, but the barfing? Sookie, are you 12? All of gaydom hates you right now.

Speaking of gaydom, Lafayette has a prayer/temper tantrum and asks for help from Jesus (his dead boyfriend). Jesus doesn’t respond…yet. But it’s sweet that Lafayette is reaching out for help, since he did almost kill Sookie last week. (Does anyone mind if he kills her now? Especially after ruining her night with Alcide?!) 

For their festive evening, Patrick and Terry get tied up by their military buddy, Eller. At least, that’s what I think his name is. I’ve just been calling him EZ-Light Charcoal Briquette, because you just know he’s doomed. As for Terry, he’s looking very sassy with his tousled locks. Even in the harsh light of the bunker, he looks like a young Jennifer Aniston.
Now, here’s the first of two amazing parts of this episode. (If you’re not counting the melon balls. And why should you? I’m not.) Jason wakes up in the past or a dream, and he’s wearing his He-Man pajamas! Oh my glob, I want those. And if Jason is still in them, all the better. Jason’s adorable dream soon turns into a nightmare, though, as mom and dad start bleeding out from their neck wounds, and mom asks Jason if a little sex will make him feel better. Thankfully, Jason wakes up, and thankfully, he’s naked. Sheriff Andy wakes up naked, too. So, apparently faeries do exactly what I do whenever I’m the designated driver for the evening.
Back at Alcide’s sexual frustration, Sookie sits down for a chat with Eric and Bill, and things devolve quickly. Sookie comes to the realization that her life sucks now, and there’s no going back to whatever it was she did before the series started. X-Men? She grabs her coat and says, “Let’s go find Russell.” She even acknowledges Tara’s handiwork with the door.

At Fangtasia, Tara borrows something slutty from Pam’s closet and looks FINE. Is it possible I’m starting to like Vampire Tara? Pam puts her to work, then has to set some ground rules about not feeding on customers or in public, or on customers in public. Tara’s tending bar, when Jessica shows up, dressed like Sandy at the end of Grease. She and Tara go together like ramma lamma lamma ka dinga da dinga dong.

Bill and Eric want Sookie to unglamour Alcide’s parking lot attendant, or something. It’s not clear yet. In fact, a lot of things are getting unclear. Sookie jumps into the guy’s head and learns that a female member of the Authority freed Russell. Meanwhile, Nora is frying in her cell, while Salome looks on uncomfortably, suspiciously, like she might be the female member of the Authority who freed Russell. She says Bill and Eric have until dawn to find Russell, or else. 

By the way, I love the cleaning crew at the Authority. I want to see more of them. They’re like the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of True Blood.

Back in the bunker of love, Eller describes seeing the fire chasing down its victims. He says a fire monster is coming for them all. Before you can say “Ann Bowman lives!” Terry flashes back to Iraq. One of the wounded puts the old Ifrit curse on the boys. Terry remembers!

Jason gets dressed (damn it) and goes to investigate the murder of the shifters. He and Andy try to piece together their faerie night. Andy wants to forget all about it and carry on with Holly. Jason doesn’t look so good. He’s having an existential crisis, and it’s playing out across his manly brow. Andy interviews Sam about the murders. Sam tells him they’re shifters, and to his credit, Andy isn’t even phased by this “hinky” sh*t anymore. 

Jessica tries to encourage Tara and does a vampire version of an “It Gets Better” video to cheer her up. Tara thinks it’s all f**ked up, but Jess assures her the feelings aren’t bad, they’re awesome. Yay vampires! Jess says being a vamp isn’t just about the blood and sex and power, it’s about immortality. The world is wide open…so why the hell are you in Bon temps?

The Scooby gang heads to an abandoned asylum in search of Russell, which raises one big question. With all the lunatics in Bon Temps and the surrounding parishes, how could an insane asylum ever go out of business? On the way, Bill speculates that Nora set all this up. The boys flash fangs at each other, but their sexual tension is interrupted by a call from the Authority. They don’t have much time left. They tell Sookie to stay outside, but she reminds them that she’s one of the only things that can fry Russell, and they better follow her. I like this new “YOLO!” version of Sook.  

Jason starts to piece together the history of the world, realizing that even if people didn’t know about supernaturals until recently, they’ve been around forever. (Same goes for the show Supernatural, too.)

At the scary abandoned asylum, the parking lot guy, Doug, aka Red Shirt, is freaking the f**k out. He’s been to paradise, but he’s never been to New York. Eric says NYC smells like pee and that the people are rude. While that may be true, you’re a vampire who lives in the basement of a dive bar in Shreveport, so what do you know? The Scoobies find a severed hand and a stash of dead bodies, crawling with rats. So, see? Bon Temps is just like New York after all.  

At Fangtasia, Tara has a smoke break, and I have some questions. Why do vamps smoke? We need more rules around here. Where’s Anne Rice when you need her? Then, in the second amazing part of this episode, like a vision out of my high school yearbook, Goth Hoyt has transformed into New Wave Hoyt. He’s rocking a purple sleeveless shirt, with the collar turned up, of course, and a day-glo orange tie. It’s Hoyt Goes to Hollywood! Tara looks at him like he’s a pork chop, and so do I. She tells him to run along, but only to get a better view of that ass, as he walks away. 
In Terry’s flashback, the soldiers pile the bodies up and set them on fire, and I’m suddenly really offended. This is complete and total horror of the realistic kind, not just the scary vampire kind. Terry’s trauma has been played for laughs since season one. Crazy old Terry. But this is serious, and the show should be ashamed. Terry snaps out of it and tells Eller he’s seen the Ifrit, too. Eller lets them go, and Patrick takes him down. Patrick assures Terry there’s no fire demon, so of course the fire demon shows up and sets Eller on fire. 

In probably the best warning against alcohol, drugs, black magic and jazz there is, Lafayette wakes up to find Jesus’s head on the table. Coincidentally, so does Lafayette’s mom, who seems to understand Jesus’s muffled message. I could just barely make it out, but it sounded a lot like, “Can you believe Sookie threw up on Alcide’s shoes?” 
Sam visits Luna to tell her about the shifters. He asks if she knows anybody who would want to hurt them. Before she can get out the greater Louisiana phone book, she tells Sam to take a hike. He says he’ll check on her tomorrow, because, after all, tomorow is another day, and what could possibly go wrong tonight when I step outside this door…now. Sam goes outside and is greeted by gunfire. Then everybody goes outside, because the people on this show always run toward the gunfire.

At the Authority, the Guardian gives another big speech about mainstreaming and humanity and universal healthcare, I don’t know. But intercut with the speech, Jason visits the graves of his parents and finds new resolve: Jason, Vampire Hunter. Tara sucks on New Wave Hoyt in the Fangtasia bathroom, until Jess overhears and tosses her against the wall. Aw, she still cares! 

Finally, the Scooby gang finds Russell, who’s looking pretty healthy nowadays. Instead of everyone rushing over to stake him, they saunter and talk about their feelings. Suddenly, something takes Alcide down in the doorway, or he turns into a wolf. Either way, that’s where the episode (and my vodka-soaked melon balls) end.
Will Jason rise as a new threat to vampdom? Is there enough of New Wave Hoyt to go around? Will we never get to see Grunge Hoyt? Would you still have sex with someone who puked on your Doc Martens? Tune in next time, kids. Thanks for reading!

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