If you’re breathlessly wondering what happened to Terry and Arlene, after they committed husband/wife homicide on poor Patrick, you’re out of luck. They’re not in this week’s True Blood, so I’m going to assume Arlene is now pregnant with a fire demon baby, and Terry’s at the salon getting his hair blown out.
“Gone, Gone, Gone” begins with the creakiest TV/movie trope around nowadays: the fake newscast full of exposition. At least we get to see Steve, who must have just come from the salon himself, because his hair is defying gravity. He reassures everyone that everything’s going to be okay, and I, for one, believe him. Sookie is unconvinced, though, so she turns him off (in more ways than one, I’m sure) and settles in with some Chinese takeout. I’m sorry, what?! Where, exactly, in Bon Temps, is there a Chinese restaurant? I know Pam and Tara were rocking the look at Fangtasia last week, but that’s all the way in Shreveport.
Before Sookie can explain where she got the food, creepy Coroner Mike shows up, and he’s looking for an order of Sookie takeout. Proving she’s still got the killer instinct that made her so interesting at the start of the season, she improvises a stake out of her chopsticks and turns Mike into goo. Ah, that’s why it was Chinese takeout and not Merlotte’s. Still, I’m dying to see this Chinese restaurant in Bon Temps.
At the Authority, Techie Molly gets staked, but makes a pretty good farewell speech about old books having no relevance in modern life. Russell is getting bored with all this religious crap, so he invites Steve out for a night on the town. Salome wants everyone to stay in and do homework, but finally gives into peer pressure and allows it. No sign of Steve’s puppy, though. Maybe she’s at the groomer’s.
Hoyt’s mama drives him home, and I hope he’s planning to swipe her eyeliner and head back to Fangtasia for more Goth Hoyt action. Sadly, Hoyt says he has a second chance at life, so he’s going to leave the show and join a drilling crew in Alaska. Hoyt on a drilling crew makes me think of Hothouse Video, so I’m intrigued to see where this is going.
The new vampire sheriff, Russell Brand, interrogates Pam and Tara about business at Fangtasia. Pam knows how to run a whorehouse, but does she know about viral marketing (or just viruses)? He orders them to make some changes and some vamp babies, or else.
Bill swipes some Lilith blood, and I’m beginning to wonder just how long this blood is going to last, with everyone helping themselves all the time. Eric is brought in, and Bill tells him he’s got to accept Lilith or meet the true death. Bill gives him and Nora some Lilith blood, so they can trip balls together and see the bloody, gruesome light. Eric starts tripping, as Bill watches from the control room. Nora expects Lil to put on a show, but Godric shows up instead and starts throwing shade at his wayward children. Captain Buzzkill obviously pisses Lilith off, because she arrives and rips him to shreds, leaving Eric and Nora screaming. Bill just rolls his eyes.
Russell and Steve share a sweet and intimate little dance, while Russell whispers sweet, murderous nothings in Steve’s ear. They are surrounded by the lifeless bodies of frat boys, and I get a little nostalgic for my college days in the basement of some frat, dancing the night away. If only I’d had “Teenage Dream” playing in the background.
Jess shows up at Merlotte’s and is greeted by rednecks with guns. Luckily, Sam and Lafayette hold them off, then send them away, with a side of fries. Jason arrives, then he and Jess are both surprised to see Hoyt walk in. Uh oh.
Tara asks Pam if she’s going to start popping out vampire babies. Predictably, Pam declines and says she’s willing to leave it all behind and live on the run with Tara, just like she did with Eric. Is everyone leaving the show? Hoyt’s drilling in Alaska. Pam and Tara are doing a road trip. I hope Lafayette gets a cooking show.
Hoyt tells Jess and Jason that he’s leaving the show. He was in Battle: Los Angeles, after all, so the movie offers must be pouring in. They try to talk him out of it, but he’s determined. He asks Jess to glamour him, so he can forget all about her, the show, the man-eating pigs, everything. He wants Jason gone, too. It’s Eternal Sunshine of Hoyt’s Mind. In a heartbreaking scene, Jess complies, and takes it all away. If I still had tear ducts, I would be crying right now. Instead, I just splash a ginger ale/oxycontin cocktail in my face.
Jason and Sookie look for more clues under Gran’s bed. I’m seriously hoping they find her vibrator, complete with a crocheted vibrator cozy. Proving he’s getting smarter by the day, Jason deduces Gran wants them to look under the floorboards. He finds Gran’s dusty box (ahem) with a scroll, full of faerie writing, or perhaps instructions for waterbending. It’s hard to tell.
Sam and Luna commiserate over little, lost Emma. Steve is going to be in New Orleans tonight, but Luna worries they can’t get there in time, obviously forgetting they’re shifters who can turn into cheetahs or eagles or whatnot. Sam decides to use credit card miles to fly, instead of turning into snakes and just hiding in the lavatory on the plane. Shifters confuse me; what good are they?
Sookie and Jason take the waterbending scroll to Bon Temp U for analysis. A nice character actor tells them the scroll is over 200 years old, and the language is not human. Proving that Sookie and Jason are now on the same IQ level, they both realize it’s probably faerie writing. You don’t say!
Steve makes his TV appearance, and Russell is babysitting Emma back at the Authority. They trot Eric in to prove he’s all repentant and reborn now. I guess Techie Molly didn’t get the same option. Eric apologizes to Russell and forgives him for killing his family. Bill just rolls his eyes.
Jason pulls Hoyt over and tries to get him to remember him, or at least head towards the Authority, so all the major characters can be in one place for the finale. Jason finally gives up and sends him on his way. No goodbye kiss?! Jason collapses into tears, and Sookie tries to comfort him. Somewhere, Bill just rolls his eyes.
Bill sends his goons to retrieve Jessica. No word on how they travel from Bon Temps to New Orleans. Did they drive? Or use some of Sam’s miles? Either way, Jess arrives at the Authority and figures things out pretty quickly: Bill has lost it. He tries to give her the Lilith brainwash, but she remains skeptical. Go, Jess!
Proving once again that Vampire Tara is fabulous, she lures Russell Brand to Fangtasia by telling him she may have accidentally killed poor Ginger. Ginger, in full-on awesome mode, stabs him in the neck with a silver blade, and Tara lops off his head with a f**king sword! Pam, unaware of the plan, says “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Tara says, “We’re not running. No one f**ks with us in our house.” Pam looks impressed, but is this enough to get them to New Orleans for the finale?
Emma has finally turned back into a kid. If I were her, I would fire my agent, because I would not be happy a dog got more screen time in my role than I did. Sam and Luna, as mice, jump out of Steve’s briefcase and scurry about Authority HQ. Okay, we almost have the whole cast at the Authority now. We just need Sookie, Jason, Lafayette and Alcide there to make it a party.
As if on cue, Russell suggests hauling in a faerie to try to harness or manufacture some daywalking juice. After delivering a spirited speech, and tossing Salome across the room, he takes off to get his faerie on. Bill starts to roll his eyes, but realizes this means Sookie’s in danger. He looks meaningfully at Eric. I knew a threat against Sookie would unite the boys, and snap Bill out of his Lilith reverie.
Sookie and Jason take their waterbending scroll to Claude and are surprised to learn he’s over 100 years old. He reveals all those years have been dedicated to intense faerie choreography, which we already suspected. He calls in Morella, who is great with Andy’s child. She reveals the scroll is a contract between Sookie’s ancestor and the vampire Werlo, offering him the first-born fae-bearing female offspring. Somehow, Sookie is the first-born fae-bearing female offspring in generations. I was going to make fun of this, until I realized that in my own family tree, I’m also the first faerie in generations.